Dating After Divorce – Giving Up Control
ByAnother beautiful autumn day in Colorado! This morning I played hooky and went for a 6 mile h
ike with my oldest daughter. We’re very spoiled in that we live in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains so great hikes abound right outside our door. We would have waited til this weekend to hike except for two things – snow is predicted AND the trees and bushes are turning color so fast that we might have missed it had we waited. I’m SO glad we didn’t wait. It was breathtakingly beautiful up the mountain. The pictures in this post were taken by my daughter.
Back to the subject at hand…
I received a Declaration of Nullity (annulment) almost exactly 2 years ago. I’ve been dating for 3 years. Yes…I started dating before I received an annulment.
Until very recently, I didn’t consider dating after being divorced and before receiving an annulment to be wrong. Yes, the thought had crossed my mind and it was logical to conclude that it WAS wrong. Why? Because even when you’re divorced, your marriage is still considered to be valid by the Catholic church until you receive a Declaration of Nullity. That means that in the eyes of the church, without an annulment, you’re still married. And we all know that it’s wrong to date while you’re married. I thought, “Come on..that’s going a bit too far” and dated anyway.
When I read the book Divorced. Catholic. Now What? I came to a better understanding of this. Actually, I already had a good understanding of it but now it was “in my face.” But I still didn’t listen. Yes, I read that book recently – after receiving an annulment, so what am I talking about? Well, I was dating a Catholic man at the time who hadn’t started the annulment process, so, obviously, his marriage had not been declared invalid by the church and, therefore, in the eyes of the church, he was still married. I didn’t want to stop dating him so I rationalized and dated anyway…still thinking, “Come on…that’s going a bit too far.” (Yes, it was my relationship with him that ended last week and started me thinking about and writing on this topic.)
Let’s go back in time a bit….
About a week after my divorce was final, I happened upon a Catholic singles’ site called CatholicMatch.com. I hadn’t been looking for such a site…it was actually advertised on the AOL homepage that day which surprised me to no end. And, strangely, I never saw it there again. I joined the site and remained an active member for most of the next 6 years! (Man, that’s a long time…kind of disheartening.)
For the first 4 years, I just wasn’t ready for a serious relationship but I wanted/needed to 
have a connection, and my membership definitely filled that need. I developed online friendships with some very good men over that time and those friendships kept me from being extremely lonely. I actually met only 4 men from there in person (I was very picky and cautious!). I went on to have serious relationships with 2 of those men, both of which ultimately “failed” (the relationships, not the men :0)). So, what’s the problem?!
Well, after this latest failed relationship, I have some thoughts about that.
I have spent my life trying to be in control of my life. Believing in God but not trusting him enough to hand my future over to him…completely and without strings attached. That’s something I’d heard about but it was a frightening concept and I wasn’t quite sure how to do it…and since I didn’t even try, I guess I just didn’t want to do it.
Here I am now…51 years old…one failed marriage…two failed relationships after that…hmmm. My control over my life hasn’t worked out in my favor, has it? And I’ve experienced more than enough heartache for any one life time. So I’m having some serious discussions with myself about what to do next.
Sigh.
My head is telling me to hand my life over to God – NOW! – FINALLY! And, guess what! That thought STILL frightens me and I’m still pulling back from it. Yet, I KNOW it’s what I have to do. Why? Because I’m failing miserably as the one in control. God knows what and who’s best for me so much better than I do. (Yes, I trust him. The scary part is wondering what his time table will be.) I heard a wonderful story recently from a woman who DID give up her life to God. The results were amazing and inspiring and exciting. God came through for her in ways she hadn’t even imagined…and miracles were involved in her story, too. I want that! Of course, it’s possible that God doesn’t have marriage in mind for me. I’m thinking that marriage with a man I love and respect is what I really want, however God may have a different path in mind for me that will actually result in greater happiness for me. I can’t imagine what, but then I don’t know the mind of God. If I give control to God, I need to be open to other possibilities. (this is scary)
So HOW exactly does a person give up control to God? I’m not quite sure. But I have some ideas (surprise surprise :0)).
First, of course, I need to tell God that my life is now completely and utterly HIS to do with as he sees fit. I won’t stand in his way. (Why is this so frightening?)
Second, I need to ask God to let me know, in NO uncertain terms, exactly what it is he wants me to do. I no longer trust myself so I really, really need for God to hit me over the head with his plans. If he decides that I should fall in love and marry, he’d better make that man painfully (no, not painfully, please)…let me rephrase that…he’d better make that man joyfully and EXTREMELY apparent to me. Actually, I’ve already asked God to give me a specific sign for if/when he sends that man. Since only God and I know what this sign is, I’ll probably faint if it ever actually happens. It’s nothing terribly out of the ordinary but just different enough that it would be a bit curious and very apparent to me. I’m pretty sure that God loves a good joke, so I think he’ll actually follow through with giving me this sign just for the pleasure of seeing the shocked look on my face (and then there’s the fainting part). Is it terrible of me to ask for such a sign? I don’t think so. God will make Mr. Right apparent to me in any way he chooses…this sign would just be very cool and fun.
Third…I’m not sure.
What do you think?
What does giving up control of your life to God look like to YOU?
I could really use some more perspectives on this, so please leave your comments. Also, if you have a personal story about having given up control of YOUR life to God, please share that with us.
Until next time, God bless you and your loved ones.
Manya
It just occurred to me that the only thing about my life with which I’m not content is the fact that I’m not in a relationship…one that I’m passionate about and thoroughly convinced is THE right one for both of us. I’m pretty happy with everything else. It suddenly seems a bit odd to me to be placing so much emphasis on this one area of my life. It’s one area, though, that has a profound impact on all other areas of a person’s life so I guess it calls for quite a bit of emphasis. Definitely food for thought….
Manya, thank you so much for this post. I’m a Catholic convert (11 yrs now) and there’s still so much I don’t know or understand. I’ve been asking God for several years now to help me be a better Christian, wife, mother, friend, etc. I’ve also asked for his help in my chosen vocation, to tell me if that is where he feels my best talents lie, and if so, to lead my clients and me to each other (and if not, to lead me to the vocation he feels is best for me). Now, my marriage (to a life-long Catholic man) has failed, my business has all but failed, and I’m still not sure what God wants me to do. I’ve asked him to use a baseball bat on my head, just to be sure I get his message!
) I’ve told God several times that I’m giving up my life to him, and I asked him to lead me as he wishes. I, too, wonder what it means to give ourselves up to him. I thought I was doing that, but am I really? I don’t have a clue. I can’t tell when I’m doing something because *I* want to do it or because God is leading me to it (whether “it” is a man I’m dating, a job I’m seeking, etc.). I don’t think I’ve ever been more confused about anything in my life. I look forward to reading more comments and learning more about what giving up control of our lives to God looks like. Great post!
Well, at least she got an annulment: I can’t, so I won’t fit in as a Catholic. I loved being Catholic. I don’t think I will fit in a protestant church. So my Christianity is all washed up. I will just pray at home, and watch teleevangelists. I wanted to bring up my children as catholics, but my ex does not want to take the youngest one to cathechism. The oloder one has first communion. Good luck some things you cant controll despite prayer, and good works and that is the free will granted to other people: and that means that your wife can leave the house. Divorce happens to good people, and the Catholic church should not penalized them form it, not that I belive in allowing families to separate. But, let’s be realistic.
Don,
You’re absolutely right, of course, about lots of things being out of an individual’s control due to the free will of others. Prayer isn’t meant to be a means of controlling anything or anyone, although we silly humans try to use it that way. Personally, I think the prayer God wants to hear and the one that does us the most good is, “Help me: to be better…to understand…to be wise…to…whatever we personally need in order to make it on this journey through life.”
Why do you say you can’t you get an annulment? Did you go through the process and your marriage was determined to be valid? Or are you assuming that it would be found to have been valid?
And even if that is or would be the case, why does that result in your not “fitting in” as a Catholic? You are still Catholic and welcomed in the Catholic church. Take a look at the quote at the top of the right column on this page from Pope John Paul II.
Divorce does happen to good people…and I don’t believe the Catholic church penalizes them…that hasn’t been my experience anyway. I know that many have had negative experiences with the Catholic church as a result of divorces but much of what I hear is due to misunderstanding, sometimes on the part of the specific person or priest with whom they spoke. That’s disheartening but we’re all human so mistakes happen. Seek out someone in the tribunal to speak with about divorce and annulment…they have the expertise in this area.
Mostly, though, keep praying. And continue going to mass…televangelists are not a good substitute for that. God can be trusted…he asks for our trust in return.
God bless,
Manya
Kim,
Thank you for joining the discussion! I’m sorry for the challenges you’re experiencing now. I agree that it’s difficult to know if we’re choosing a path because WE want it or because God is leading us there. Perhaps more prayer and really listening to our gut feelings can answer that question? Maybe it’s a matter of practice? Or perhaps a matter of gathering all the facts, comparing them to the church’s teachings, and THEN listening to our gut feelings? And praying….
I don’t have any answers but we can support each other and stumble our way through this together. I find it REALLY helpful just knowing I’m not alone in my beliefs, challenges and concerns….knowing I’m not quite the nut case that some people would have me believe! :0)
Thanks again, Kim. I hope to hear from you again.
Manya
Thank you for your story about dating; my marriage has been annulled and I struggled with seeing a man who was not interersted in getting his Decree of nullity. I have recently told him we can’t see one another until he pursues the process. It is hard and lonely especially when the father of my children wants to control me and last month it was four years since he manipulated the court system to take my two little girls from me. I struggle everyday living without them. I tried to live near my girls but his manipulation nearly destroyed me.
The hardest part now is not allowing myself to go out with this man because we like to spend time together but I think he won’t let God take control of his life fully. I am a convert so it was an adult choice which I fully embraced.
God Bless
In Him,
Kate
Kate,
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and continue to experience. You’re obviously a strong woman of faith.
It’s SO hard to stop dating someone you enjoy being with and with whom you can envision a real possibility of a future together. However, if there are things about the relationship that are not in line with your beliefs, then you’re right to be honest with him about it – and honest with yourself, too.
I do hope that your influence changes his mind and heart. If not, though, you’re a very wise woman to recognize that this isn’t the relationship for you and to take on the pain of walking away. I admire you for that and I’m sure that God has something wonderful beyond your imaginings in store for you!
God bless you and may the Holy Spirit continue to give you (and all of us)the graces needed to persevere.
Manya
Dear Manya,
Just found your blog and love it! I’m looking for vehicles to inspire courage and I’ve found one here.
What does giving up control of my life to God look like to me?
Even though that’s an image which is still somewhat foggy to me personally; I think it grows clearer as it gains depth. I remember many little “conversions” along the way in my life as a Catholic, I’m closing in on 50 now. My spiritual journey reads like laundry list; Charismatic, Secular Franciscan, Catholic School teacher, Church Choir, my faith took on a whole new and real dimention when I got serious about a 12 step program for overeaters. Now I’m learning tools to connect my devotion to some life experience with virtue. For example I need to turn off the computer right now and go to sleep.
God Bless, you & all readers are in my prayers, Teresa