It Was A Dark And Stormy Night…Divorce

Which it definitely is here tonight! And I’m loving it.  Storms are great – when you don’t have to go out in them.  My children would disagree with that.  My 24yo and my 18yo had a great time walking up to the mailbox tonight in a driving rain (and lightning…I know..not too bright :0)) and then racing back to the house in it.  Our dog thought they were nuts!  She prefers to hide under my desk when there’s thunder and lightning.

My divorce was a huge storm in my life (and I’m betting you feel the same way about yours). While I can’t say that I’m glad that particular storm came into our lives, I CAN say that there were some positive results from it.

Our marriage was not ideal but I loved my husband and did not want our marriage to end. Since it did, though, and since I now have some significant amount of time as a buffer, I can see the positive things that have taken place in me as a result.

Having the rug pulled out from under you and being forced to live your life on new, unfamiliar and unwanted terms will either make a person cower and hide under the desk, hoping the scary stuff passes them by but doing nothing to make sure it does OR it will make a person walk out into the storm and do what they can to weather it (and perhaps even find pleasure in it!).

“Personal courage isn’t the absence of fear; rather, it’s the ability to put fear aside and do what’s necessary.”

(I don’t know who said that, so can’t give them them their due.  If you know, please let me know and I’ll correct that problem….)

At any rate, it’s SO true!

If you are in the middle of a storm in your relationship, perhaps what I learned from mine will help:

1. Do all you can to make your marriage good again – be willing to change yourself to make the relationship better. One very important lesson I learned was that you can NOT change someone else.  However, in changing yourself, others just might find the motivation to change themselves, too. If it still falls apart, however, you won’t spend the future second guessing yourself for not having done your part to try to save it.
2. As frightened as you might feel, stand on your own feet. Do what’s necessary – financially and emotionally – to make your future secure. If that means going back to school in your 40s 50s or 60s – then do it!  I know it isn’t always possible to do so.  But if it is…please go for it.  Returning to school was the absolute best thing I did!  Not because it prepared me to return to the workforce after being a stay-at-home mom for almost 20 years but because it brought back my self confidence in HUGE measure.  THAT helped me to keep putting one foot in front of the other to make a new life for myself and my children. Of course, that’s not the only way to rebuild self confidence.  Live in a way that will make you proud of yourself.
3. If you need help – don’t hesitate to ask for it or to accept it when it’s offered! People, especially those who love you, WANT to help.  Let them.  It is NOT a sign of weakness but of wisdom.  Then, later when you’re able to, repay them.  For example, my parents helped me in many ways – one of which was moving here so they could physically help me with my children.  They also used to come over and do yard work and house work for me when I just didn’t have the time or motivation.  Now they’re in their late 80s and THEY need help.  I’ll be here for them for as long as they need me.  I’m doubly blessed in that I share this care with sisters and a brother.
4. Take the high road even when those around you are taking the low one…meaning, hold onto your integrity through the very difficult times. You will never regret having done so and you will make quite an impression on those around you.
5. Avoid being a victim – make the best of a bad situation and you will probably come out ahead. That reminds me of another quote.  Again I don’t know who said it but it’s also a good one…

“The best revenge is a life well lived.”

And here’s a proverb that’s very appropriate and speaks to hope and optimism:

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly”

It may seem to you that your world is over but I promise that when you hang in there and keep things like the above in mind, you WILL become a butterfly.

So, while I wish that storm hadn’t come into our lives at all, I’m grateful for the positive changes it brought about in me. I’m more confident now, I have no regrets as far as feeling that perhaps I didn’t do enough to save my marriage and I started my own business! (sounds kind of butterfly-ish :0))  I’m grateful that, like my children tonight,  I went headlong into the storm and found that the results could actually be enjoyable.  Who’d of thought?!  (Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I’m glad my divorce happened because it resulted in some good changes in myself.  I’m saying that some good things DID take place so I’m going to embrace them instead of focusing on all the bad things that took place.  Ideally, of course, good changes take place within your marriage and relationship.)

Til next time…

God bless you and those you love.

Manya