Comments on: Separation & Divorce – The Grieving Process http://divorcedcatholicmoms.com/2009/02/separation-divorce-the-grieving-process/ Just another WordPress weblog Thu, 26 Aug 2010 23:39:33 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0 By: Manya http://divorcedcatholicmoms.com/2009/02/separation-divorce-the-grieving-process/comment-page-1/#comment-1432 Manya Sun, 23 May 2010 15:42:32 +0000 http://divorcedcatholicmoms.com/?p=357#comment-1432 It also sounds to me like he's going through a midlife crisis. Yes, he's hurt you terribly and he's destroyed the trust you had in him. He'll need to work to rebuild that and you'll need to be open to working at trusting him again. Can it be done? No one can say but you'll never know if you don't try. Have you read the stories on <a href="http://www.faithandfamilylive.com/" rel="nofollow">http://www.faithandfamilylive.com/ </a>that I gave links to on my site? Sorry, I don't remember off hand which post those are in but you can search for them using the "search" box at the top of the right hand column. Or go to that site and search for articles on marriage, separation and/or divorce. There are some excellent stories there from people who have been through similar experiences and were able to heal their relationships! I apologize for not doing the search for you but I'm in a hurry this morning....we just brought my mother home from the hospital yesterday and I need to be leaving soon. May God bless and bring you peace! Manya P.S. Updating this reply....see this article - <a href="http://divorcedcatholicmoms.com/articles/is-divorce-inevitable/" rel="nofollow">Is Divorce Inevitable</a> - for links to the articles I mentioned. It also sounds to me like he’s going through a midlife crisis. Yes, he’s hurt you terribly and he’s destroyed the trust you had in him. He’ll need to work to rebuild that and you’ll need to be open to working at trusting him again. Can it be done? No one can say but you’ll never know if you don’t try.
Have you read the stories on http://www.faithandfamilylive.com/ that I gave links to on my site? Sorry, I don’t remember off hand which post those are in but you can search for them using the “search” box at the top of the right hand column. Or go to that site and search for articles on marriage, separation and/or divorce. There are some excellent stories there from people who have been through similar experiences and were able to heal their relationships! I apologize for not doing the search for you but I’m in a hurry this morning….we just brought my mother home from the hospital yesterday and I need to be leaving soon.

May God bless and bring you peace!
Manya
P.S. Updating this reply….see this article – Is Divorce Inevitable – for links to the articles I mentioned.

]]> By: Manya http://divorcedcatholicmoms.com/2009/02/separation-divorce-the-grieving-process/comment-page-1/#comment-1431 Manya Sun, 23 May 2010 15:34:16 +0000 http://divorcedcatholicmoms.com/?p=357#comment-1431 I can't advise you beyond recommending that you keep praying about this and trust in God. As for the devil...I wouldn't think he'd sway you towards reconciling with your husband...that's not the kind of thing the devil would want. I believe that a marriage relationship in which both people want to reconcile can be healed. It will take a lot of work and a lot of rebuilding of trust and a lot of prayer. Please talk with a priest and, hopefully, your husband will go with you. Also...have you considered Retrouvaille? My prayers are with you! Manya P.S. Again, this is purely my personal opinion, but I think it's always best to face ones fears. I can’t advise you beyond recommending that you keep praying about this and trust in God. As for the devil…I wouldn’t think he’d sway you towards reconciling with your husband…that’s not the kind of thing the devil would want.
I believe that a marriage relationship in which both people want to reconcile can be healed. It will take a lot of work and a lot of rebuilding of trust and a lot of prayer. Please talk with a priest and, hopefully, your husband will go with you. Also…have you considered Retrouvaille?

My prayers are with you!
Manya
P.S. Again, this is purely my personal opinion, but I think it’s always best to face ones fears.

]]> By: Edwina http://divorcedcatholicmoms.com/2009/02/separation-divorce-the-grieving-process/comment-page-1/#comment-1413 Edwina Fri, 21 May 2010 20:27:31 +0000 http://divorcedcatholicmoms.com/?p=357#comment-1413 Continued. I should mention that when we married 17 years ago we tried to have a family and the pregnancies were unsuccessful. I'm 47 years old as well. Adoption is out of the question for him and he doesn't want to try surrogacy. He says he loves me all the time now but how could he if he's not home yet. He has his own place and claims he'll break the lease which he didn't want to do a month ago. It just seems he's having an easier time with this than I am. He doesn't seem to see how much pain he's caused me. My family says he's selfish. He's on my mind 24/7 is this normal? Or am I obsessed! Help! Continued.

I should mention that when we married 17 years ago we tried to have a family and the pregnancies were unsuccessful. I’m 47 years old as well. Adoption is out of the question for him and he doesn’t want to try surrogacy. He says he loves me all the time now but how could he if he’s not home yet. He has his own place and claims he’ll break the lease which he didn’t want to do a month ago. It just seems he’s having an easier time with this than I am. He doesn’t seem to see how much pain he’s caused me. My family says he’s selfish. He’s on my mind 24/7 is this normal? Or am I obsessed! Help!

]]> By: Edwina http://divorcedcatholicmoms.com/2009/02/separation-divorce-the-grieving-process/comment-page-1/#comment-1412 Edwina Fri, 21 May 2010 19:57:50 +0000 http://divorcedcatholicmoms.com/?p=357#comment-1412 My husband and I have been separated for almost 8 months now. (24 years together). He moved to another state with family but still keeps in touch. It seemed hopeless at first but now he's been talking about coming home. Well he's been saying that for some time now but he seems to be more serious now. I have been praying and praying for strength so that he won't hurt me again. I'm afraid but feel that I should try it out if he comes back. I feel God brought us together and I should try to restore our marriage. I fight with my feelings about this all the time. I'm not sure if i'm hearing from God or the devil. Because I know the devil knows my weaknesses which is the love for my husband. I feel the need to hear from him more often because I feel empty without him. I have a son from a previous relationship whom my husband raised since he was 3 (we have a grandson now). He left because he wanted a child, he doesn't have any. He claims he may be able to live with it now. He feels he can't live without me because he thinks about me all of the time. He was unfaithful prior to our separation because he wanted to have a kid. He's 47 years old. Any advice? I don't know if i can trust him. Should i face my fears? My husband and I have been separated for almost 8 months now. (24 years together). He moved to another state with family but still keeps in touch. It seemed hopeless at first but now he’s been talking about coming home. Well he’s been saying that for some time now but he seems to be more serious now. I have been praying and praying for strength so that he won’t hurt me again. I’m afraid but feel that I should try it out if he comes back. I feel God brought us together and I should try to restore our marriage. I fight with my feelings about this all the time. I’m not sure if i’m hearing from God or the devil. Because I know the devil knows my weaknesses which is the love for my husband. I feel the need to hear from him more often because I feel empty without him. I have a son from a previous relationship whom my husband raised since he was 3 (we have a grandson now). He left because he wanted a child, he doesn’t have any. He claims he may be able to live with it now. He feels he can’t live without me because he thinks about me all of the time. He was unfaithful prior to our separation because he wanted to have a kid. He’s 47 years old. Any advice? I don’t know if i can trust him. Should i face my fears?

]]> By: Manya http://divorcedcatholicmoms.com/2009/02/separation-divorce-the-grieving-process/comment-page-1/#comment-1349 Manya Wed, 05 May 2010 17:13:55 +0000 http://divorcedcatholicmoms.com/?p=357#comment-1349 Phaedra, I'm so sorry. I can't advise you but I can tell you that you're a very wise woman! I was impressed by how you stated your situation and the insight you have. I suggest seeing if your parish, or a parish in your area, provides counselors. Counseling for yourself might be a good idea. If your husband would go, that would probably be good, too. Speaking with your pastor or a priest you're comfortable with would be a great idea. They're there to help us with these things and they have resources to offer, so please approach them. And don't assume to know ahead of time what a priest will tell you. And, YES, you will be okay! I have NO doubt about that. Seek help for yourself, keep praying even if it feels useless...and I'll keep you in my prayers. May God bring you peace! Manya Phaedra,
I’m so sorry. I can’t advise you but I can tell you that you’re a very wise woman! I was impressed by how you stated your situation and the insight you have. I suggest seeing if your parish, or a parish in your area, provides counselors. Counseling for yourself might be a good idea. If your husband would go, that would probably be good, too. Speaking with your pastor or a priest you’re comfortable with would be a great idea. They’re there to help us with these things and they have resources to offer, so please approach them. And don’t assume to know ahead of time what a priest will tell you.
And, YES, you will be okay! I have NO doubt about that.
Seek help for yourself, keep praying even if it feels useless…and I’ll keep you in my prayers.
May God bring you peace!
Manya

]]> By: Phaedra http://divorcedcatholicmoms.com/2009/02/separation-divorce-the-grieving-process/comment-page-1/#comment-1341 Phaedra Tue, 04 May 2010 00:49:01 +0000 http://divorcedcatholicmoms.com/?p=357#comment-1341 Dear Manya, here I was, crying on my sofa wishing there was someone who could help me to process these feelings, and I found you! I'm not sure if you can advise me, as I'm a mess. Will I ever be ok? <em> [this comment has been edited by Manya - Phaedra is in a long term marriage where there is emotional abuse - she feels she needs to get out of the marriage but is feeling a huge amount of guilt and fear.]</em> Dear Manya, here I was, crying on my sofa wishing there was someone who could help me to process these feelings, and I found you! I’m not sure if you can advise me, as I’m a mess. Will I ever be ok? [this comment has been edited by Manya - Phaedra is in a long term marriage where there is emotional abuse - she feels she needs to get out of the marriage but is feeling a huge amount of guilt and fear.]

]]> By: Manya http://divorcedcatholicmoms.com/2009/02/separation-divorce-the-grieving-process/comment-page-1/#comment-871 Manya Sat, 02 Jan 2010 16:09:43 +0000 http://divorcedcatholicmoms.com/?p=357#comment-871 Marcella, You're a great mother, friend and worker...and you have faith. I believe you can be successful in any part of your life with a foundation like that. Not that it won't take work and prayer and picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and starting over sometimes...and forgiving yourself. I'm sorry for what you're going through. Many of us have experienced what you have and felt the same feelings. I hope you've joined the forum at <a href="http://www.divorcedcatholic.com" rel="nofollow">www.divorcedcatholic.com</a> where you can have conversations with others about these things. That helps a great deal. May God bless you and your family and bring you peace. Manya Marcella,
You’re a great mother, friend and worker…and you have faith. I believe you can be successful in any part of your life with a foundation like that. Not that it won’t take work and prayer and picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and starting over sometimes…and forgiving yourself.

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Many of us have experienced what you have and felt the same feelings.
I hope you’ve joined the forum at http://www.divorcedcatholic.com where you can have conversations with others about these things. That helps a great deal.

May God bless you and your family and bring you peace.
Manya

]]> By: Marcella http://divorcedcatholicmoms.com/2009/02/separation-divorce-the-grieving-process/comment-page-1/#comment-865 Marcella Thu, 31 Dec 2009 04:27:55 +0000 http://divorcedcatholicmoms.com/?p=357#comment-865 I have been with my husband for nineteen years, we have two daughters, one twelve and one eight. We have been seperated for 7 months and have started the divorce proceedings around a month ago.I know that divorce is the best for both of us. We both literally have torn our love apart. We both come from disfunctional upbringings I want the best for my husband and just have started praying for him again. I pray that God will send him a woman that will be good for him, I also pray for Gods will for him. I cant help but wish that my husband and I could be together the rest of our lives and wish that God would allow us to both mature enough to forgive one another and be one, the way God made a marriage to be. At the same time I cry and wonder why God put us together only to seperate us and cause us so much pain. I miss all the good things about my husband, and wonder why the bad out weighed the good. Is it because its true or is it because I was not a good enough wife. I want to blame my self but know deep in my heart that its not so. My husband has much pain from his past and takes it out on me. I wish I was strong enough, smart enough to handle his anger and pain, but it seems I was never good enough in any area of our marriage and if he said I was it did not last very long. I dont believe I will ever allow myself to marry again, for fear of the harsh pain of another divorce and I dont think I will every get over my husband. I dont believe I make a very good wife. I have been told I am a great mother, friend and a hard worker. Pray for me to find Gods will for me. I have been with my husband for nineteen years, we have two daughters, one twelve and one eight. We have been seperated for 7 months and have started the divorce proceedings around a month ago.I know that divorce is the best for both of us. We both literally have torn our love apart. We both come from disfunctional upbringings I want the best for my husband and just have started praying for him again. I pray that God will send him a woman that will be good for him, I also pray for Gods will for him. I cant help but wish that my husband and I could be together the rest of our lives and wish that God would allow us to both mature enough to forgive one another and be one, the way God made a marriage to be. At the same time I cry and wonder why God put us together only to seperate us and cause us so much pain. I miss all the good things about my husband, and wonder why the bad out weighed the good. Is it because its true or is it because I was not a good enough wife. I want to blame my self but know deep in my heart that its not so. My husband has much pain from his past and takes it out on me. I wish I was strong enough, smart enough to handle his anger and pain, but it seems I was never good enough in any area of our marriage and if he said I was it did not last very long. I dont believe I will ever allow myself to marry again, for fear of the harsh pain of another divorce and I dont think I will every get over my husband. I dont believe I make a very good wife. I have been told I am a great mother, friend and a hard worker. Pray for me to find Gods will for me.

]]> By: Manya http://divorcedcatholicmoms.com/2009/02/separation-divorce-the-grieving-process/comment-page-1/#comment-781 Manya Fri, 18 Dec 2009 21:37:30 +0000 http://divorcedcatholicmoms.com/?p=357#comment-781 Katherine, I'm so sorry. I've been where you are, and heard what you have (from your husband) and I know the incredible pain and fear. I had even been married for 20 years when it happened and had been a stay at home mom and homeschooler for 18 years. It does take time to get through the feeling of devastation and move on into happiness again. I assure you, that it IS possible and WILL happen...and that it takes work, perseverance, faith....and time. If I got through it and am happy again, you can do it, too! You say you're in a place with no family. Could you possibly move closer to family? That would be a great help to you. Do you have at least one close friend to whom you can vent? It's SO important to be able to talk when you need to. I even joined an online community where I vented often. I recommend that you go to <a href="http://www.DivorcedCatholic.com" rel="nofollow">www.DivorcedCatholic.com</a> and join the forums there...the PERFECT place to talk with others going through this, too. I so wish this one had been available to me back then. Don't hesitate to contact me via email at <a href="mailto://Manya@DivorcedCatholicMoms.com" rel="nofollow">Manya@DivorcedCatholicMoms.com</a> whenever you'd like. God bless you and your children and bring you peace (soon!). Manya Katherine,
I’m so sorry. I’ve been where you are, and heard what you have (from your husband) and I know the incredible pain and fear. I had even been married for 20 years when it happened and had been a stay at home mom and homeschooler for 18 years. It does take time to get through the feeling of devastation and move on into happiness again. I assure you, that it IS possible and WILL happen…and that it takes work, perseverance, faith….and time. If I got through it and am happy again, you can do it, too!

You say you’re in a place with no family. Could you possibly move closer to family? That would be a great help to you. Do you have at least one close friend to whom you can vent? It’s SO important to be able to talk when you need to. I even joined an online community where I vented often.

I recommend that you go to http://www.DivorcedCatholic.com and join the forums there…the PERFECT place to talk with others going through this, too. I so wish this one had been available to me back then.

Don’t hesitate to contact me via email at Manya@DivorcedCatholicMoms.com whenever you’d like.

God bless you and your children and bring you peace (soon!).
Manya

]]> By: Katherine http://divorcedcatholicmoms.com/2009/02/separation-divorce-the-grieving-process/comment-page-1/#comment-776 Katherine Fri, 18 Dec 2009 02:43:28 +0000 http://divorcedcatholicmoms.com/?p=357#comment-776 I have just recieved the final decree for my divorce. My husband decided after 20 years that he no longer loved me and added he had not for at least 10 years and that if I did not do anything about it, perhaps I should find a job and an attorney. Almost 2 years later, I am divorced but still devastated. I am alone with my 2 children in a place with no family. Yes, I have the kids and even some of the money but my heart hurts beyond anything I have ever felt. I just wanted him to love me and I knew I could not change it. I miss being home with my children and I spend every night crying now and yes, I do miss my husband. I know I am supposed to grieve but this is the worst pain I have ever felt. I put on a happy face each day I go to my dreaded job but some days I can barely muster the strength to go on. I don't know what to do. I lost a brother a few years ago but this is so much worse. I pray a lot and many pray for me; I guess God has to take me through it so I can put this behind me but I don't know how. Any advice. I have just recieved the final decree for my divorce. My husband decided after 20 years that he no longer loved me and added he had not for at least 10 years and that if I did not do anything about it, perhaps I should find a job and an attorney. Almost 2 years later, I am divorced but still devastated. I am alone with my 2 children in a place with no family. Yes, I have the kids and even some of the money but my heart hurts beyond anything I have ever felt. I just wanted him to love me and I knew I could not change it. I miss being home with my children and I spend every night crying now and yes, I do miss my husband. I know I am supposed to grieve but this is the worst pain I have ever felt. I put on a happy face each day I go to my dreaded job but some days I can barely muster the strength to go on. I don’t know what to do. I lost a brother a few years ago but this is so much worse. I pray a lot and many pray for me; I guess God has to take me through it so I can put this behind me but I don’t know how. Any advice.

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