Still Catholic (after all this time…) + a Bit on Annulments
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You might wonder why I have the words, “Yes, We’re Still Catholic” as part of the title of this blog. That’s because there’s a common misconception that once a Catholic divorces, they are automatically excommunicated from the Catholic church. Not true!!!
While divorce is strongly discouraged for Catholics and something to be avoided IF AT ALL POSSIBLE, when a Catholic goes through a divorce, they are still a Catholic in good standing within the church – still able to participate in the sacraments (i.e. receive Holy Communion).
Now, here is what a divorced Catholic cannot do:
- Remarry in the church UNLESS their previous marriage has been declared invalid by the Tribunal of their diocese. (By the way, this does NOT mean your children become illegitimate or that the marriage is viewed as never having taken place.)
What would happen, you might ask, if a divorced Catholic does not receive an annulment and decides to marry outside the church? Since their previous marriage had not been declared invalid by the Catholic church, technically that marriage still exists. That person would then still be strongly encouraged to continue attending mass and the sacrament of Penance, however they could not receive Holy Communion because, in the eyes of the church, they are committing adultery (a mortal sin).
What if their marriage was annulled but the marriage of the person they now want to marry has not been annulled? Then, they cannot be married in the Catholic church, and, again, they would be considered to be committing adultery. This situation, however, can get complicated quickly and is way outside my knowledge base, so please contact a priest if you have questions about this.
So….if you decide to marry again and want to marry IN the church so that you’ll be able to continue fully practicing the Catholic faith, then the previous marriage of each person needs to be declared invalid by the Catholic church before the second marriage takes place.
All this can get complicated and, hence, is quite misunderstood by most people (Catholic or not). You may have many more questions that I’m not able to answer well so please contact a priest to discuss them.
Just a couple more things….
I encourage you to pursue an annulment even if you feel that there’s no way you’d ever be granted one. You just don’t know that for sure!!
The annulment process is not an easy path to follow but it’s well worth it. I had to answer many many questions not only about my courtship and marriage but also about my childhood. It took me a long time to complete my answers because it was emotionally difficult to go through the memories again AND to be very honest with myself concerning them. However, THIS is the part of the process that leads to healing!
Also, be aware that the process will take about 18 months from the time you send in the completed questionnaire ’til you’re notified of the final decree. For this reason, I strongly encourage you to start the process as soon as you feel ready, whether or not you have any intentions of marrying again. It IS a healing process and you just never know…you might want to marry again at some point and either you or your future spouse may want to marry IN the Catholic church.
Warmly,
Manya
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Manya,
First, you are an excellent writer.
Second, your advice is good whether you are a mom or a dad like me. The paperwork for the annulment sits on my desk untouched for months. Your blog this time prompts me to find the time to take it up again. I do need that clarity in my life as to where the Church and therefore, Christ, sees my former marriage.
Thanks again for your blog.
Dave
Dave,
You’re welcome and thank YOU for the feedback….and for the compliment! I wish you well on the annulment process journey.
Warmly,
Manya
Hi Manya,
Thanks for the blog. Have been separated and going through a brutal divorce/custody battle for nearly three years. Will seek an annulment; always knew that I would.
There have been so many lows during this time that I call being in the ‘pit,’ but God has led me to a great many ‘benefactors’ (friends, family, co-workers, strangers) who uplift me spiritually, emotionally and at times financially. For these, I am so very grateful of course. This whole time has been is a real lesson in humility and I thank God for it. Isn’t it amazing how when so many things are taken from you, it is then that you realize they were never yours to begin with? Then you are no longer so fearful because you finally come to know that you must rely on our Lord in everything.
Another truth that really has helped me get through all this is that God didn’t make this happen, rather he allowed it to happen (the choices I made, my husband made, the courtroom drama, being broke, the sorrows, the joys, all of it). And God is there every step of the way.
I wish you much peace and again thank you for informing and encouraging our brothers and sisters in Christ to pursue an annulment. -L
Laura,
You’re welcome! I’m so glad you found your way here.
I’m sorry about the long battle you and your family are experiencing. You made an important point about having a support system that is helping you through this.
You have a great attitude and outlook, Laura. You’re right that we learn so much from these difficult experiences AND that God did not MAKE this happen….I feel another post coming on….:0)
God bless you and your loved ones, Laura. Thank you for leaving a comment and please keep in touch here.
Manya
“While divorce is strongly discouraged for Catholics and something to be avoided IF AT ALL POSSIBLE, when a Catholic goes through a divorce, they are still a Catholic in good standing within the church – still able to participate in the sacraments (i.e. receive Holy Communion).”
So, if you abandon your spouse to pursue your dreams and a better piece of tail, you can knock her up, stay with her for the good of the children, have more kids to keep you yolked to her for a long time, go to confession, receive communion, slip once in awhile to have that nice piece of tail, go to confession each time, turn your children against their mother(who loves them and whom you have taken everything from), civilly persecute the wife you abandoned till you cause her to commit suicide from complete despair and then you can marry your new piece of tail in the Catholic Church and all is just dandy.
Nice scenario, and it is true. All you need is that little confessional to make everything right with God and the Catholic Church.
Does anyone realy wonder why marriage means so little these days?
I don’t. This is why I left the Catholic Church. I know the scenario I just wrote, is true. And it is evil beyond comprehension.
Karl,
I’m sorry for the time it’s taken me to respond to your comment. I wanted to think about it…
That scenario is heartbreaking and I don’t doubt the truth of it. It’s the result of a person exercising his free will unwisely, selfishly and without guidance from God.
I’m sure that some people sin and then go to confession for nothing more than the sake of appearances. When a person simply “attends” confession, saying the “right” words without sincerely being sorry for their sins and having a genuine resolve to not commit the same mistakes again, they’ve not made a good confession – and their sins have not been forgiven.
You say, “All you need is that little confessional to make everything right with God and the Catholic Church.”
Yes, IF you’re sincerely sorry and committed to changing.
No, if you’re simply going through the motions for appearance’s sake. People can be fooled by outward appearances – God cannot.
Each person will be held accountable by God for their actions. Some people may seem to us to be “getting away with” sinning and even benefitting from it. I don’t believe that people like the one whose actions you described can ever be truly happy or content. They make wrong choice after wrong choice because they’re constantly grabbing for what they think will make them happy. They fail to understand that to let God in their lives and live as He guides us to, is the way to the happiness they seek. They’re to be pitied and prayed for (trust me, I know how hard it is to do that!).
As for those of us who are hurt by the sins of others – there’s great strength to be found in faith. It is NOT easy to find that faith or to hold onto it when the person who should be your comfort and shelter in this world is the one causing you untold grief and seemingly doing their best to destroy you. There is nothing more cruel and painful than that. It’s difficult to see God when your view of Him is blurred or blocked by people.
God doesn’t deserve blame for the sins of people. It’s the misuse by people of His amazing gift to us of free will that causes most of the suffering in the world.
God bless you and bring you peace as well as the woman you told us about and her children.
Manya
My fiance and I want to be married in a Catholic church. We were both raised Catholic. I have never been married, but he has. He was married in a Lutheran church since his now ex-wife was of Lutheran faith. So my question is can we be married in the Catholic church and if so what is the process? Thanks.
Lizzie,
Thank you for writing! I’m SO glad you and your fiance want to marry in the Catholic church.
The answer to your question is, “Probably but you need to speak with a priest to get all the information you need.” I don’t know all the ins and outs of the annulment process and directives of the church regarding previous marriages in other religions. I believe your fiance will need to go through the annulment process, which I highly recommend and encourage him to do. Believe me that it will benefit you both!
Please make an appointment as soon as possible for both of you to speak with a priest about this.
Bless you both.
By the way, I’d love it if you’d give me an update.
Manya
Thanks for this post. Have been separated from my husband of almost 10 years for 8 yeras now. I have had the papers for annulment for years but they remain untouched. I am not ready yet to retrieve all the unpleasant and hurtful memories of my life and write them down. I can’t as yet go through all those again. But this post gives me an assurance that there is someone who understands what I am going through.
Thank you. God bless you and help you.
Manya
I am looking for articles concerning how to cope with an annulment that doesn’t go through. I have found many articles/blogs written by people who had positive outcomes. Do you have any reccomendations for Catholic people like me who are really suffering after a negative outcome?
Patty,
First, let me apologize for taking this long to respond to your comment. I’ve been away from the blog due to ‘end of summer’ craziness.
Second – I’m so sorry that you didn’t receive an annulment. The only thing I can offer is a recommendation to find out all you can about why that decision was made and to go through the process again. (I know…it was difficult enough the first time) I’ve heard stories of annulments being granted the second time the request was made…but I have no specifics on why.
I’ll ask around and get back to you here or write a post about this topic if/when I’m able to get more info.
God bless and bring you peace at this very difficult time.
Manya
Dear Manya
I am thinking aloud over this scenario:
What do you think of the ex-spouse who had initiated a divorce after his ex-wife discovered his affair with his married girlfriend? What do you think he said in his court papers that “as a Catholic, he prayed for divorce?” Do you think this is absoultely absurd to the doctrines of the Catholic Church as compared to a divorced Catholic who decides to marry outside the catholic church without getting an annulment or the request to nullify the marriage bond cannot be obtained eventually?
I still cannot fathom how an abandoned catholic spouse could be considered having ‘committed adultery’ (to be on par with her guilty ex) if she marries outside the catholic church when the annulment is not successfully obtained by the Church. Is there any possibility that the church could be merciful to those abandoned spouse who would want to remarry again without obtaining nullity in the previous union?
What is this thing called Internal Inquiry whereby a priest could arrange for a blessing for couple who marries outside the catholic church when the annulment cannot be acceded to?
I pretty much have no comment on the above. I can’t speak on behalf of the Church as far as the specifics you bring up. As for Internal Inquiry…I’m not familiar with that. All your questions should be run by either your pastor or someone who works at the tribunal of your diocese.
After finding the correct/official answers, then it simply comes down to this….if a person wants to continue to be a practicing Catholic, they’ll follow the rules of the Catholic church. I’ve found that the church does not make rules arbitrarily. There have been some that I’ve wondered at but when they were explained to me clearly, they made a great deal of sense and had quite a bit of wisdom behind them.
Manya