A Scarlet Letter – Do You Feel You Have One Because You’re a Divorced Catholic?
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- Image by Monceau via Flickr
Sigh…I’ve heard this story all too often. Divorced Catholics feeling that they’re being looked down upon by fellow Catholics and who no longer feel welcome at or comfortable attending mass or being involved in parish life.
In my own experience, there has been only one time since my divorce that I felt uncomfortable among a group of Catholics. That was just last summer when I participated in a Catholic conference. Let me be absolutely clear, though…that not one person there snubbed me or made me feel awkward in any way. The discomfort came from me alone. I was in a group of very devout Catholics, many of whom were in devout Catholic marriages. With each introduction, I included info about my being the author of this blog (it was a new media conference…i.e. Catholic bloggers and podcasters) and each time I cringed inside, feeling like I was going to be judged. I never was..I was the only one judging me!
I think that most of the time, that’s the case when I hear someone say they no longer feel welcome at mass or at parish functions. I believe we’re judging ourselves! (In the case above, the other Catholics at the conference were wonderfully welcoming and even thanked me for this blog! And, some asked me to write articles for their blogs or be interviewed for their podcasts because they recognized the need to address this situation and to help other Catholics to understand it.)
Notice that I said “most of the time” I believe that’s the case. I recognize the fact that sometimes other Catholics do judge those of us who are divorced. However, it’s really not their place to judge at all. As Christians, we sometimes forget that…especially when an issue makes us uncomfortable. And Catholics divorcing IS a difficult, scary and uncomfortable issue – as it should be!
As Catholics (and Christians, of course) – we’re taught that we should try to be like Christ. He is (and was) all merciful. Yes, he judges (that’s His part, not ours) but always gently and with great love. Being human beings, though, we can and do (often) fall quite short of being Christ-like.
So, here is what I propose…
If you come across Catholics who really do judge you for being divorced, be the true Christian and be merciful to them. Don’t get into arguments. If you feel you must, gently explain to them that divorced Catholics are still Catholic and welcomed by the Church. Then, perhaps, tell them that the best person for them to share their concerns with is the pastor of the parish, who would be able to explain the Church’s position to them.
Most of the time, any judging that takes place (whether it comes from within ourselves or from others) is the result of misconceptions regarding the teachings of the Catholic Church.
So, how do you correct that problem?
First of all, I believe it takes self confidence. Do YOU feel that you’re less worthy than other Catholics now that you’re divorced? If you do, that’s going to come across in your thoughts and in your behavior. Do YOU feel (and know) that you’re still a Catholic in good standing? That, too, will come across in your thoughts and in your behavior. Others may or may not pick up on this, but you absolutely will!
If you’re feeling guilty about your divorce, speak to your priest about it AND go to confession. Get it off your chest and ask God for forgiveness. He will forgive you (when you sincerely ask for forgiveness). Also, make sure you know the position of the Catholic Church and that you indeed are practicing the Catholic faith as it should be practiced (no “cafeteria Catholics” please). Then, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and resolve to do better. And forgive yourself! No more beating yourself up. No more feeling unworthy to be a practicing Catholic.
We are all sinners…we are all followers of Christ….we all need to forgive if we hope to be forgiven. That includes forgiving yourself!
May God bless and bring you peace.
Manya
What a stupid article.
Karl,
Thank you for your comment. Would you elaborate a bit on what specifically you found stupid in the article? That would really help.
Manya
I’m a divorced catholic mom. I do feel that I am judged by single faithful catholic men! Cino’s are not a problem.
I have never felt bad about it!! It happened before I really new about Jesus. When I sense that someone has a problem with it, I am not one to confront unless I am confronted. I don’t hold back and don’t believe that I have to constantly be stoned for sins I committed before knowing God.
My official divorced came about 2 months ago after a 2 and half year legal period. I was dating a Catholic for the last 8 months and we just split up yesterday. Why, one of the main factors was because her parents and family friends told her to stop all relationships because I am a divorcee and the church views on divorcees and so on. The parents do not even know that we are together but yet made sweeping statement that their daughter should have noting to do with me.
Its quite sad because the parents are very active in church activities and so on. My point is, there are actually parishioners that passes judgements on divorcees, not in our faces, but behind our backs. This is worst as it feels like being backstabbed by parishers that you actually pray with.
L7,
I’m sorry for what you’ve experienced. I encourage you to go through the process of annulment so that you’ll be free to remarry in the church (if you’re granted a Declaration of Nullity) and will be fully free to find the woman who is right for you, and you for her. Perhaps this was one of her parents’ concerns. Without your receiving an annulment, their daughter would not be able to marry you in the church…..? And, even though I’m a divorcee, I can understand the concerns of the parents. I would rather my children not enter marriages with divorcees. Ya know? As a parent, I would need to know the particular circumstances and, mostly, would need time to really get to know the person before I’d feel comfortable with that. Having said that, I know all too well about the misinformation floating around out there regarding Catholics, divorce, annulment and a divorced Catholic’s “place” in the church. The misinformation is rampant because it’s a difficult subject that is not discussed openly and it can also be quite complicated (as far as the annulment process).
Hang in there. I know how difficult all this is. And recovering from the end of a relationship is hugely difficult all on its own. Here are a couple more posts that touch on that subject – Dating After Divorce, Dating After Divorce Part 2.
God bless you and bring you peace,
Manya
Manya
Thanks for your reply. It did help. Both the post that you recommended also helped. It is true about what was said in the second post, especially this – ‘When I finally gave my hopes and dreams to God, He gave me so much more than I ever could have asked for…’.
Thanks again for the support.
Have yourself a very Merry Christmas this year.
L7
Feeling very much like an outcast. I am seeking a divorce after 16 years. I’ve been scandalized by some uber-Catholics for this decision, apparently I’m not entitled to some happiness and that I should embrace my suffering.
After much prayer, counseling (by diocesan counselors) and multiple discussions with a priest; I am still seeking to end my marriage. Honestly, I’ve been treated with more compassion and understanding by atheists and agnostics. I am not asking people to jump up and down and be happy for me; I am miserable.
This is not what I intended to happen to my life 16 years ago. I am also having major difficulties maintaining and strengthening my faith; I feel as if I owe everyone an explanation for my decision. I have made a commitment to not discuss the flaws of my marriage or spouse’s shortcomings to anyone. I really want to at times to defend my decision but I’m trying to do the charitable thing.
I see you recommend joining divorcedcatholics.com but I’ve checked it out and feel it is not a welcoming place for those who seek a divorce…seems if most posters are “abandoned”. This is a painful ordeal, even though I am seeking it; doesn’t make it easy in any way.
Momof3,
I hope you’ll soon reach the point of knowing that you owe no one but your spouse, children and God an explanation for the decision you make. No one else has a right to information about the intimate details of your marital relationship – well, except the Tribunal if/when you decide to request an annulment.
I can see how Catholics, both divorced and not, could/would “judge” you for choosing to divorce if there are no readily apparent reasons why you should leave the marriage. I’m not saying that’s right…just saying I understand it. As Catholics (not “uber” or otherwise…just Catholics), we believe that marriage should be preserved if at all possible unless emotional or physical abuse is involved. Again, though, only you, your husband and God know what’s involved in your relationship and whether or not it’s one that can or should continue.
You’re taking the high road by not discussing with others what you find lacking in your spouse. In the long run, you’ll be happy that you chose this route. However, I still believe it’s important to discuss these things with a close friend or counselor or priest in order to get another, respected perspective…but definitely these things should not be discussed with acquaintances or the general public. If you decide to discuss particulars with those on a forum like the one at divorcedcatholic.com, then some details will probably need to be shared, but that will be anonymous and in the interest of getting the perspective of other Catholics. I do believe that you’re right, though, that most of the people there have been betrayed by their spouses and “abandoned” so their perspectives may be vastly different from yours (just guessing here, though). Most of us feel that we would still be married and working to make our relationships better even in the face of broken vows (which is very difficult to forgive or be forgiven for), if it had been our choice and if our spouses had chosen to work toward a better relationship with us. So it’s hard to understand how someone would choose to leave a marriage under what seem to be less difficult circumstances. But, again…no one else knows what you’ve been living with!
I’m sorry you’re finding it difficult to find support from other Catholics. I’m not sure what to say. Generally speaking, divorce should not be encouraged and I’m sure that’s what you’re running up against…other Catholics not wanting to seem as though they’re condoning a decision to divorce in the absence of a “good reason” for it. It’s a difficult situation for everyone.
I’m not surprised that you’ve found more “compassion” from atheists and agnostics. It’s easy for a person to be accepting of any decisions others make when they have no beliefs. It’s not easy to choose to live by faith – as you know. However, as Catholics and Christians we ARE called to be compassionate and gentle with each other. Yet one more thing that is not easy for most of us to accomplish at all times and in all circumstances. We need to accept each others shortcomings and to gently guide each other on this journey to heaven that we’re on.
I’m sorry for what you’re experiencing. I pray that you’ll find the help and compassion you need to get through this painful time.
God bless you and your family and bring you peace.
Manya
( I apologize for any babbling I’ve done…this is definitely a hard topic.)
Hi Manya – the reality that I and other Catholic moms have lived through is not due to misconceptions or paranoia, it’s often due to real, decisive actions of the Church and it’s representatives.
Here’s my story:
I tried to get help from our Parish Priest when my abusive husband began physically attacking my child (there had already been a long history of other abuse). I begged for counselling, for compassion, begged for food, begged for intervention. I was told by the Priest to return to my husband and “submit” to him – and pray. If I prayed hard enough and “submitted” enough – THEN the abuse would stop.
I was told by the Priest that “divorce wasn’t an option” and that my children would grow up “forever damaged” if they were “torn away from their father” – even though HE ABUSED THEM. The Priest’s attitude was that life with an abusive father in the home was better than life with JUST a mother – life with JUST a mother was not to be permitted under any circumstances.
I eventually realized that the welfare of the children and myself DID NOT MATTER to that Priest. I tried to find help elsewhere and realized it wasn’t just one Priest – it was the ENTIRE Church.
There were no “Catholic” resources willing to help the children and I, regardless of our personal danger. I finally left with my 2 children and the clothes on our back under armed protection, with the help of a secular organization the Catholic Bishop hated and actively campaigned against. That organization provided us with food, shelter, medical treatment and hope – not the Church. The Church and the surrounding community ignored us completely.
I sought out numerous Catholic advisors after separating and being granted sole custody – and the advice was always the same – live apart but STAY MARRIED and the father MUST have control and constant access and his behaviour should NEVER be questioned – abusive or not. My husband ignored court orders, refused counselling, refused to take any responsibility for his actions, tried again to seriously harm us – and the Church continued to insist that my husband was my “protector”, “provider” and “guide” and that the abuse was MY responsibility to fix, alone. He was a Knight of Columbus. He was a father. He was a man.
It got worse – I investigated an annulment – thinking the Church would SURELY recognize that there could never be a covenant sanctioned by God with someone who wanted to cause harm. My husband’s promises to God and to me were already broken, I thought. Instead I discovered that ABUSE IS NOT GROUNDS FOR AN ANNULMENT. Even if your husband kills you or your children – you cannot ever escape.
The fact that the Church abandoned my children and I and refuses to recognize my ex-husband’s abuse as adequate reason for annulment – or the Church’s refusal to concede that I am fully capable of providing a healthy, happy, righteous home on my OWN as their MOTHER is a continuing wound for me.
There are a LOT of divorced mothers JUST LIKE ME out there. Catholic mothers who fled abusive husbands, who would not sacrifice their children’s safety to the superficial image of “holy” matrimony. Mothers denied annulment, forever chained to men who wish them only harm. Mothers who would rather face intolerance and hatred from their own Church than see their children tortured by their own fathers.
We aren’t looking for persecution from the Church – we’re living through the Church’s real world choices – and we are coming out of it better, more righteous, decisive and strong – but now APART. We are no long a real, respected, valid part of the Church community.
To be honest – I feel that mothers like us are MORE worthy, more aligned with what Jesus himself wanted – more aligned with the spirit of the Law, and we are strong for our children and for what is REALLY righteous. We are gold tested by fire – and we have survived.
I’m truly sorry for what you’ve experienced…and I’m glad you found this site. I’m stunned by your story. Of course, we can’t know all the details, but on the surface it sounds horrific and quite surprising. Given my own experiences and the experiences of other divorced Catholics I know, I’d say that what you experienced is not the norm by any means. The circumstances of my separation and divorce were different than yours but I’ve never come across anyone in the church who would encourage a woman to stay with a man who is abusive in any way…especially if the abuse is physical. Anyone who counseled you to do that was wrong to do so.
The church on earth consists of human beings. The vast majority of them are good and wise and their actions are aligned with the teachings of the church. As we are so sadly aware these days, though, some of those human beings have serious failings. These people have perpetrated great damage which the church has not always responded to appropriately. These kinds of things do not only take place in the Catholic church, though…it’s a problem throughout human society…but the damage is felt more deeply and profoundly when it comes from a person who is in a position of being a representative of God.
Again, I’m so sorry for what you’ve experienced. I’m glad you found a way for you and your children to escape the abuse. As a member of the Catholic church, I apologize for any priests or other representatives who counseled you wrongly and increased your pain. I hope the details of your experiences will be brought to the attention of those who could keep the same from happening to others at the hands of those who misrepresent the Church. I recommend contacting the bishop/archbishop of the diocese in which it took place.
May God bless and bring you peace,
Manya