Is Divorce Inevitable?

First of all, let me state clearly that the following article consists of my opinions based on what I’ve observed, experienced and read. Take from it what you think is of worth…discard that with which you don’t agree. In no way am I telling anyone that behaving in a certain way will (or won’t) save a marriage.

This, of course, is an impossible question to answer on an individual basis.  Only the couple truly knows whether or not their marriage can escape divorce because only they know what has (or hasn’t) taken place in their relationship and how each of them chooses to/is able to respond to those things.

I can say two things for certain, though:

• In the eyes of the state – until the divorce papers are signed and submitted, the marriage still exists.
• As long as the marriage still exists, keeping it intact and making it strong is an option

  For the most part, both spouses need to have a desire to keep the marriage together and to work on their problems – this cannot be something that one spouse works at and the other one just “goes along with.”

I say, “for the most part, both spouses need to have a desire to keep the marriage together” because I know of one couple – Julie & Chris – (and there are probably many more) who stayed together after great adversity in their marriage and went on to have a wonderful relationship after just one of them worked at it – initially.  You can read their story here – “Unfaithfully Yours”

In a nutshell, this couple had major problems in their relationship, which included affairs committed by both of them – infidelities which started while they were still dating.  After 5 years of marriage and two children, Chris wanted a divorce, but due to their particular circumstances, that couldn’t immediately be pursued.  Julie, however, wanted their marriage.  Neither of them was religious, but, one night while in the midst of a significant meltdown, Julie literally cried out to God for help.  She was blessed with immediately feeling at peace and she was certain that her marriage would be healed. (these are not typical results, but it’s wonderful to know that they DO happen)

Julie’s response to this experience was an ability to remain calm/at peace in the midst of her struggles with her husband.  She changed and Chris noticed.  When he tried to argue, she simply wouldn’t fall for his bating. In her words, “…the more he tried to hurt me, the more I ran to the Lord, and found in him the strength to endure whatever my poor husband threw at me.”  She also made a greater effort to make their home and their children’s lives better for all of them.  In Chris’ mind, “the little things added up.”  Little by little, he opened up to Julie and to her new found faith. Amazingly, just 6 months after Chris said he wanted a divorce, they, instead, renewed their vows to one another!  Currently, they’ve been married for 18 years.

Is divorce inevitable?  No.

Here’s another positive story for you that proves that divorce is not inevitable:  “Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear”

This particular story does not involve faith – it’s all about one spouse’s decision to not take the other spouse’s “need” to leave the marriage personally.  Yep, you heard that right.  She didn’t take it personally!  And the way she reacted to her husband made all the difference.

The bottom line in all the success stories I’ve ever heard is this:

You cannot change another person, you can only change yourself.

Sometimes, by changing yourself, the other person ends up changing, too.

These two women are prime examples of this.  The first woman changed herself radically and relied on her faith to keep her strong so that she could sustain the new path she chose.  We’re not told if the second woman changed herself, but she certainly changed the way she reacted to her husband’s words and actions.  They both chose to behave with great love and integrity even though what they really wanted to do was scream and yell and cry.  They both possessed incredible strength – and wisdom.

I wish I’d had as much strength and wisdom when I was going through the same things.  I did try these approaches but wasn’t able to sustain them – my pain, pride and fear got the better of me.  I wish I’d had stories like these to lead me and give me the strength and hope to persevere.  Perhaps being able to sustain that and see my husband in a different light – as someone who was struggling and needed my love, not my pain and blame over the choices he was making – would have made all the difference in my marriage.  It would have been hugely difficult to maintain but, perhaps, it would have changed the end of our “story.”  Or not.  I’m convinced, though, that taking this path would have a profound effect on any spouse.

Is divorce inevitable?  No.  Not when there’s faith, strength and the desire to keep your marriage and make your relationship better.  In my opinion, both spouses need to have the desire to keep the marriage.  The spouses in the stories above didn’t seem to have this desire – not on the surface anyway – but I think the desire must have been present inside them.  And the wise women took the time to find out.   Actually, I believe that most spouses probably wish to stay in their marriages but don’t believe they can be forgiven or believe that the work involved will just be too hard and will be completely up to them.

If you are in a dying marriage and feel that divorce is inevitable, read the above articles.  If you have the slightest desire to hold onto your marriage, please act on that.  Talk to your spouse…now’s the time to truly open up and be your genuine self with him/her.  It may be your last chance – take the risk.  Put aside your pride and your hurt…and your self-righteousness… and be the one to open the door.

Here are some recommendations that can inspire and motivate you:

• Fireproof – This is a movie I highly recommend it for the message it gives.  Actually, it’s the same message found in the stories mentioned above!  And it’s the husband in this story who is the catalyst for positive change in his marriage. You can probably find it for rent or at a library nearby.
• The Love Dare –This book is the basis for Fireproof.  Take the 40 day dare!
• Retrouvaille – This is a retreat weekend plus 6 -12 post-weekend sessions over 3 months for couples whose marriages lay at the doorstep of divorce.  The focus is on communication between spouses and a rediscovery of each other, which is what the word retrouvaille means – rediscovery.
• Adoration – find a church nearby that has an adoration chapel.   Spend time there.  It’s a quiet and calm oasis where you can pray or just sit and read.  Being in close proximity to the Eucharist – to God – can only help.

Being the one to take the first (and second and third and ?….) bold but loving step towards healing your relationship may be the hardest thing you ever do.  I promise you it will be the most rewarding.  Even if your story doesn’t end with a healed marriage, you will be able to go into your future knowing you did everything you could and that will make all the difference.

One last word…  If a marriage involves physical or severe emotional abuse, a separation SHOULD take place.  No one should endure abuse – ever!