Some good and very relevant questions were asked and comments made, so I thought it would be a good idea to quote the writer’s statements here and try to speak to them for all of us to see. Please feel free to add your comments and/or questions either in the comment box or via email. I would REALLY like to hear from you on this!

I don’t mean to be rude here, but you say in your blog that while divorce is strongly discouraged for Catholics and something to be avoided IF AT ALL POSSIBLE, when a Catholic goes through a divorce, they are still Catholic in good standing within the Church & still able to participate in the sacraments (i.e. receive Holy Communion).  However, your answer conspicuously leaves out a basic moral teaching of the Catholic Church, one expressed quite unambiguously in the Catechism of the Catholic Church. The Catechism says: Divorce is a grave offense against the natural law. It claims to break the contract, to which the spouses freely consented, to live with each other till death.

You make good points. First, I need to state (re-state) that I am not a theologian so I am not in a position to debate the moral teachings of the Catholic Church as they relate to what is allowed by the Catholic Church and what is or isn’t considered to be a grave sin by the Catholic Church.  I’m sure that all practicing Catholics would agree  with and accept what is stated in the catechism about divorce being a grave offense.  Divorce is not a good thing.  Catholics are not pro-divorce…I think this is especially true of Catholics who have gone through divorce.  However, a Catholic who goes through a divorce, is not automatically in a state of grave sin. While it is possible for a Catholic who goes through divorce to be in a state of grave sin for behavior that may have contributed to the divorce or for choices that were made as a result of the divorce…the divorce itself is not a sin.

It furthermore says that Divorce is immoral also because it introduces disorder into the family and into society. ( Part 3, Section two, Article 6, IV., 2384 & 2385.)  Clearly, this is a little stronger view than just that divorce is strongly discouraged for Catholics and something to be avoided if at all possible.

This blog is written by and for divorced Catholic moms….we understand more than anyone else how divorce introduces disorder into a family.  Generally speaking, we’re the ones who end up trying to hold what’s left of our families together and bringing up our children, and trying to lead our children to healing, after the hell of divorce rips apart our lives.  We understand this to the very marrow of our bones.  (I’m not discounting the fathers out there who are thrust into the position of holding the family together after the mother decides to leave the marriage…they also understand this.)  I don’t know, though, what verbiage I should use other than “strongly discourage….and something to be avoided if at all possible” that would be more accurate.  I’ll think on that…

As to the good standing of a Catholic who is culpable of divorcing their spouse (obviously not every divorced spouse is responsible), if someone is truly responsible for a grave offense against the natural law they are really not in good standing.

True.  I did not want my marriage to end…if it had been completely up to me, I’d still be married and working to make our marriage better – for the rest of our lives.  However, it takes two people to make a good marriage and only one to push through a divorce.  I doubt that many who read this blog are the ones who pushed through their divorces.  If they are, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t like what they read here and would search for a different message on a different blog. (Clarification: I’m speaking here of those who seek divorce for selfish reasons. There may be many readers here who felt they had to file for divorce in order to protect themselves and/or their children.)

You also encourage the pursuit of an annulment even if you feel that there’s no way you’d ever be granted one. I hope I’m not being unfair here, but that seems to be tantamount to saying that even if you don’t think your marriage is invalid, you can nevertheless try to get it declared as such. But to pursue an annulment just to be free of the marriage bond, and not if you have a real reason to doubt the validity of your  marriage, is a questionable approach, from a moral perspective at least. However I realize the moral perspective is not the first thought of many Catholics today and apparently is not the perspective of many Catholic Marriage Tribunals as well.

Again we are not in disagreement – completely.  I think you misunderstood my intent, which means I should state it more clearly – so thank you for pointing that out.  The reason I encourage all divorced Catholics to go through the annulment process is because the process is healing.  It’s a rigorous process that is not easy emotionally to get through.  The questions that are necessary to answer bring a person face-to-face with the relationship both before and after the wedding…and even direct the person to delve into their childhood relationships within their families.  It’s truly an all encompassing process that forces you to look deep into the relationships in your life and to face your own role in them….and your own role in the destruction of your marriage.  Going through a civil divorce is hell…to then choose to go through the annulment process takes a strong person who wants to understand what happened…which will help them to accept what happened, will help them to forgive their spouses AND will help them to forgive themselves. These things are hugely important.

And if the tribunal, through this process of delving into the lives of the people in the marriage, as well as the influence on them from family members…along with input from close friends and family members of the couple (those who knew them at the time of the wedding) find that the marriage was not valid….it’s good that this person will then have the opportunity to marry again within the Church. (If they ever choose to marry again.)

I thank the writer of the message that prompted this post.  His/her questions and comments were very important and I’m glad I was made to think about them…and was given the opportunity to share them with you here.

Again…I’m just a Catholic mom who has experienced the hell of divorce and the misconceptions of being a divorced Catholic and who wants to reach out to others going through this painful experience.  I’m not a theologian and not in a position to state absolutes about the teachings of the Catholic church or to debate them.  If I ever make statements about the Church that are wrong, I appreciate having this brought to my attention.  I do not ever want to mislead anyone where our faith is concerned.  On the contrary…I want to show that we are indeed still members of the Catholic Church, which is the source of strength, wisdom and love that we so need in our lives.

May God bless and bring you peace.

Manya

P.S. Just so you know….I ran this post past a priest who works in a tribunal and was told that nothing I said goes against Church teachings.

You might wonder why I have the words, “Yes, We’re Still Catholic” as part of the title of this blog. That’s because there’s a common misconception that once a Catholic divorces, they are automatically excommunicated from the Catholic church. Not true!!!

While divorce is strongly discouraged for Catholics and something to be avoided IF AT ALL POSSIBLE, when a Catholic goes through a divorce, they are still a Catholic in good standing within the church – still able to participate in the sacraments (i.e. receive Holy Communion).

Now, here is what a divorced Catholic cannot do:

• Remarry in the church UNLESS their previous marriage has been declared invalid by the Tribunal of their diocese.  (By the way, this does NOT mean your children become illegitimate or that the marriage is viewed as never having taken place.)

What would happen, you might ask, if a divorced Catholic does not receive an annulment and decides to marry outside the church? Since their previous marriage had not been declared invalid by the Catholic church, technically that marriage still exists. That person would then still be strongly encouraged to continue attending mass and the sacrament of Penance, however they could not receive Holy Communion because, in the eyes of the church, they are committing adultery (a mortal sin).

What if their marriage was annulled but the marriage of the person they now want to marry has not been annulled? Then, they cannot be married in the Catholic church, and, again, they would be considered to be committing adultery. This situation, however, can get complicated quickly and is way outside my knowledge base, so please contact a priest if you have questions about this.

So….if you decide to marry again and want to marry IN the church so that you’ll be able to continue fully practicing the Catholic faith, then the previous marriage of each person needs to be declared invalid by the Catholic church before the second marriage takes place.

All this can get complicated and, hence, is quite misunderstood by most people (Catholic or not). You may have many more questions that I’m not able to answer well so please contact a priest to discuss them.

Just a couple more things….

I encourage you to pursue an annulment even if you feel that there’s no way you’d ever be granted one. You just don’t know that for sure!!

The annulment process is not an easy path to follow but it’s well worth it. I had to answer many many questions not only about my courtship and marriage but also about my childhood. It took me a long time to complete my answers because it was emotionally difficult to go through the memories again AND to be very honest with myself concerning them. However, THIS is the part of the process that leads to healing!

Also, be aware that the process will take about 18 months from the time you send in the completed questionnaire ’til you’re notified of the final decree. For this reason, I strongly encourage you to start the process as soon as you feel ready, whether or not you have any intentions of marrying again. It IS a healing process and you just never know…you might want to marry again at some point and either you or your future spouse may want to marry IN the Catholic church.

Warmly,

Manya

The hours until Christmas are being tracked by my youngest.  :0)  Gotta love it.

Our tradition is to open gifts from family and friends on Christmas Eve (this is how I was brought up) and then wake up to find gifts from Santa on Christmas morning.

I’m not sure yet which Christmas mass we’ll be going to.  I love the idea of midnight mass on Christmas Eve (which is actually going to be held at midnight this year!  Yes, in years past, the “midnight” mass has been held at 10:30….go figure.)  However, actually staying awake until then is not an easy thing for me.  (I’m not a night owl this time of year.)  We DID go to the “midnight” mass at least once in the recent past and we all enjoyed it immensely.  The choir was amazing and, if I remember correctly, the lights were dimmed, which I just love.

Whatever YOUR tradtions are, I hope that you all have a wonderful and blessed Christmas!

Try to relax, simplify and focus on simply enjoying the company of those you love.  The decorations and food don’t have to be “perfect”…that’s not what’s most important.  Make memories of BEING together.

If this is the year when your children spend Christmas day with your ex-spouse, chances are that  it’ll be a difficult day for you.   I do hope, if that’s the case, that you’ll be spending the day with friends and extended family or, perhaps. making new friends/family by helping out at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen.   Then, celebrate Christmas with your children either before or after the actual day!

If you have some great suggestions for how to spend a Christmas day away from your children, please share it with all of us by leaving a comment.  That would be a lovely gift.

May God bless you and those you love!!

Merry Christmas!

Manya

Tomorrow, my second oldest graduates from college! That just amazes me. I swear it seems like yesterday…well, okay….a couple years ago :0)….that I graduated from college. How could it possibly have been 27 years ago?!  And how could I have two children at that point in their lives! (My oldest graduated last year.)

Funny how memories can remain so fresh.

I met my husband (ex-husband) in college. He was a sophomore and I was a junior. We lived on the same floor of the dorm. Yep…it was a very progressive college. I had no idea the dorms were coed until the day I moved in. I don’t know how my parents and I managed to miss that little detail…

Anyway, I think a couple months went by before he and I met. I still vividly remember the first time I saw him. I was sitting on my bed and the door to the room was open.Strangely enough, my roommate and I were having a conversation about the type of men we wanted to marry. Then he walked by and I was taken by his looks and the way he was dressed and how he was walking with purpose (he was on his way to class and probably didn’t have a second to spare). He was handsome and he wore dark brown corduroy pants with a matching vest and a brown plaid, long sleeved shirt.  And he carried an umbrella!  He looked rather professorial and I liked that.

We started dating a few months later and were an ‘item’ for the next couple of years. We had some rough spots in our courtship (which originated with me, truth be told) but after 5 years of dating, we married. We had originally planned to marry the year before we actually did but just 2 months before the wedding, we called it off.  It simply didn’t feel ‘right’ to either of us…but we never really discussed it.  So strange to not have talked about it. (and to not have acknowledged the huge red flags waving)

We continued to see each other…I dated another man briefly but was drawn back to him.  We had been dating so long and we got along well and were very comfortable with each other. So we got married the next year.

I know, I know….those are not the best reasons for two people to get married. We were young and idealistic (“everything will turn out well”).  Mostly, though, I believe that each of us was afraid of being alone and of starting over again in new relationships. It seemed easier in our minds to simply marry each other…

I can look back now over our years together and see clearly the part I played in the downfall of our marriage and how everything fell apart and why.  Through our separation and divorce, though, I was too angry and hurt to see things clearly or to take on any blame.  Time and going through the annulment process (and being honest with myself) helped to open my eyes.  This is just one reason why I encourage divorced Catholics to go through the process – when they’re ready to.

So, my second oldest is starting a new phase of her life tomorrow.   I’m almost envious and almost wish I could return to that time of limitless possibilities stretched out before me.  But then again…I’m glad all that is behind me.  I’m enjoying THIS phase of my life and the results of all the growth I’ve done over the years and all the experiences I’ve had.  There was good and there was bad but each went into making me who I am today. I”m definitely older, wiser and more confident.  I have regrets – most definitely – but I”m happy.

I wish a wonderful, exciting, interesting, happy, fulfilling life to my daughter. I pray that she is wiser at her age than her mother and father were.  And I pray that she never experiences a failed marriage.   (Actually, she’s already experienced a failed marriage, as have all my children.  So, I pray that they never experience the failure of another marriage – their own.)

Whatever comes her way, though, and whatever results from decisions she and those she loves makes – I know everything WILL turn out well…

May God bless you and those you love with the very best of Christmases and may He help you to make the new year an amazing one!

Manya

My husband left me in 1993, and it wasn’t until 1995 that I initiated the annulment process. During those first years of divorce, I dated and had one relationship which I regret, not only because I was betraying my vows and offending God, but also because it was not a healthy relationship and it only made my pain of divorce worse.

In 1997, I received a declaration of nullity and had also undergone a major rejuvenation of my faith and dedication to Christ. I felt I was finally in the right place to begin dating and seeking a new spouse. But I became terribly disappointed with dating. The only Catholic men I was meeting were young men who had never been married, or guys who were close to my age (late 30′s) who were either divorced, not Catholic, or Catholic “but not really.” I began to lose hope in finding anyone who would be right to marry. Then, I began to doubt that getting married again was part of God’s plan for me.

During my first marriage, I had suffered 3 miscarriages, one at about 20 weeks along. The doctors detected the problem and I had major surgery to fix it, but was told afterwards that although I could now carry children, the surgery had rendered me sterile and my chances of conceiving were less than 1%. This happened just shortly before my husband left. So I began to wonder if God had never intended for me to be married in the first place…?

Divorced, no chance of having children… was God trying to tell me something? That’s when a thought occurred to me. Maybe I was supposed to be a nun this whole time!

The men and women who consecrate themselves to Christ alone and live their days in total service to Him are people I admire immensely. However, I have never felt called to be a nun or consecrated woman. This tiny doubt, though, began a long period of arguing with God. I didn’t want to let go of my dream of being a wife and mother, but every time I thought of that dream, the image of a nun tapped me on the shoulder. I still dated during this time and, yet, only became more miserable.

One day, I was in my car stopped at a red traffic light. A family was crossing the cross-walk in front of me; a mom pushing a stroller and a dad with their child on his shoulders. I thought it was a beautiful sight. But, of course, the thoughts of being a nun came crashing through and I immediately pushed them away for the billionth time – with anger and frustration.

Suddenly, everything became very quiet; outside, but especially inside. It was like Jesus telling the stormy seas to calm. Then, my heart heard a very gentle, unmistakable voice which said, “Why won’t you give me this part of your life?” I knew it was Christ speaking to me and I could not deny Him. I knew He wanted me to loosen the vice grip I had on my dream of marriage and motherhood and let Him take care of my life. The encounter I had with Christ at that moment brought me to tears and changed me.

The next morning I went to mass before work. I am a visual person and so, during the consecration, I imagined my wedding dress thrown over the altar and lifted up with the paten, just so I could drive the point home to myself that I was going to let God handle my life from now on. The only mistake I was making here, was that I thought this meant I was going to be a nun. So I committed myself to going down that path even though I didn’t want to. I went on a retreat with a community of consecrated ladies in Rhode Island and I had an appointment set up with the Carmelite convent in New Haven, CT. to meet with the Mother Superior.

HOWEVER, two weeks after that special mass offering, the man who is now my incredible husband, Jim, walked into my place of employment. When I was introduced to him as a new co-worker, I didn’t think anything of it, but he said he knew almost right away that he would marry me. Jim had been in the seminary studying for the priesthood for 10 years previous to this. When he and his spiritual director came to the conclusion that he was not meant to be a priest, he experienced his own type of divorce.

He was in for a long haul if he wanted to date me, because I was convinced at that point that I was supposed to be a nun or consecrated woman! In the 7 months we worked together, we went from me not liking him very much at all , to the two of us becoming comfortable as co-workers, then to striking up a friendship and, finally, to me realizing that he was the one God had picked for me! And knowing he was THE one became as clear to me as that earlier message that I had to give God control of my dream.

None of this “giving up control to God” is easy for anyone. It takes a “supernatural attitude” that the world seems to tell us is nonsense. I know Jim is the one God meant for me and that God brought us together. The day we married was like night and day in comparison to my first marriage. When we took our vows, I had NO reservations, NO doubts.  I was filled with joy.

I was obviously mistaken in thinking that God was asking me to become a nun. He simply wanted me to trust Him with that very important part of my life – my dreams for myself and my future. I had prayed for years that God would bring me a man who would not make fun of me for practicing my faith and that I alone would be good enough for him (no other women involved). When I finally gave my hopes and dreams to God, He gave me so much more than I ever could have asked for…

We now have 3 beautiful children, ages 4, 5 and 7, despite the conclusion of the doctors that I would never be able to conceive. Jim is a great father and wonderful husband who loves me and me alone. I could not have picked anyone better, which is why I’m so glad I let God pick him for me.

My point is to simply say:

• Trust God.

• Give Him the relationship(s) that have ended.

• Give Him your sorrow and loneliness.

• Grant Him access to your dream for happiness in the future and give Him full control.

He will not disappoint you!!

That story from a woman of great faith who has experienced the hell of divorce and came through a painful learning process to finally experience the amazing results of giving up her free will to God – is SO helpful. (sorry for the extra long sentence)

By the way, that’s Lisa Duffy’s story – one of the authors of Divorced. Catholic. Now What? - a book I HIGHLY recommend.

If you have a similar story or know of someone who does, please share it with us! If it’s not your own story, of course please ask permission first.  I’ll be thrilled to put it in a future post.

Until next time…May God bless you and those you love.

Manya

Back to the subject at hand…

I received a Declaration of Nullity (annulment) almost exactly 2 years ago. I’ve been dating for 3 years.  Yes…I started dating before I received an annulment.

Until very recently, I didn’t consider dating after being divorced and before receiving an annulment to be wrong. Yes, the thought had crossed my mind and it was logical to conclude that it WAS wrong.  Why?  Because even when you’re divorced, your marriage is still considered to be valid by the Catholic church until you receive a Declaration of Nullity. That means that in the eyes of the church, without an annulment, you’re still married.  And we all know that it’s wrong to date while you’re married.  I thought, “Come on..that’s going a bit too far” and dated anyway.

When I read the book Divorced. Catholic. Now What? I came to a better understanding of this. Actually, I already had a good understanding of it but now it was “in my face.” But I still didn’t listen.  Yes, I read that book recently – after receiving an annulment, so what am I talking about?  Well, I was dating a Catholic man at the time who hadn’t started the annulment process, so, obviously, his marriage had not been declared invalid by the church and, therefore, in the eyes of the church, he was still married.  I didn’t want to stop dating him so I rationalized and dated anyway…still thinking, “Come on…that’s going a bit too far.”  (Yes, it was my relationship with him that ended last week and started me thinking about and writing on this topic.)

Let’s go back in time a bit….

About a week after my divorce was final, I happened upon a Catholic singles’ site called CatholicMatch.com. I hadn’t been looking for such a site…it was actually advertised on the AOL homepage that day which surprised me to no end.  And, strangely, I never saw it there again.  I joined the site and remained an active member for most of the next 6 years! (Man, that’s a long time…kind of disheartening.)

For the first 4 years, I just wasn’t ready for a serious relationship but I wanted/needed to have a connection, and my membership definitely filled that need. I developed online friendships with some very good men over that time and those friendships kept me from being extremely lonely.  I actually met only 4 men from there in person (I was very picky and cautious!).  I went on to have serious relationships with 2 of those men, both of which ultimately “failed” (the relationships, not the men :0)).  So, what’s the problem?!

Well, after this latest failed relationship, I have some thoughts about that.

I have spent my life trying to be in control of my life. Believing in God but not trusting him enough to hand my future over to him…completely and without strings attached.  That’s something I’d heard about but it was a frightening concept and I wasn’t quite sure how to do it…and since I didn’t even try, I guess I just didn’t want to do it.

Here I am now…51 years old…one failed marriage…two failed relationships after that…hmmm. My control over my life hasn’t worked out in my favor, has it?  And I’ve experienced more than enough heartache for any one life time.  So I’m having some serious discussions with myself about what to do next.

Sigh.

My head is telling me to hand my life over to God – NOW! – FINALLY! And, guess what!  That thought STILL frightens me and I’m still pulling back from it.  Yet, I KNOW it’s what I have to do.   Why?  Because I’m failing miserably as the one in control.  God knows what and who’s best for me so much better than I do. (Yes, I trust him.  The scary part is wondering what his time table will be.)  I heard a wonderful story recently from a woman who DID give up her life to God.  The results were amazing and inspiring and exciting.  God came through for her in ways she hadn’t even imagined…and miracles were involved in her story, too.  I want that!  Of course, it’s possible that God doesn’t have marriage in mind for me.  I’m thinking that marriage with a man I love and respect is what I really want, however God may have a different path in mind for me that will actually result in greater happiness for me.  I can’t imagine what, but then I don’t know the mind of God.  If I give control to God, I need to be open to other possibilities.  (this is scary)

So HOW exactly does a person give up control to God? I’m not quite sure. But I have some ideas (surprise surprise :0)).

First, of course, I need to tell God that my life is now completely and utterly HIS to do with as he sees fit. I won’t stand in his way. (Why is this so frightening?)

Second, I need to ask God to let me know, in NO uncertain terms, exactly what it is he wants me to do. I no longer trust myself so I really, really need for God to hit me over the head with his plans. If he decides that I should fall in love and marry, he’d better make that man painfully (no, not painfully, please)…let me rephrase that…he’d better make that man joyfully and EXTREMELY apparent to me.  Actually, I’ve already asked God to give me a specific sign for if/when he sends that man.  Since only God and I know what this sign is, I’ll probably faint if it ever actually happens.  It’s nothing terribly out of the ordinary but just different enough that it would be a bit curious and very apparent to me. I’m pretty sure that God loves a good joke, so I think he’ll actually follow through with giving me this sign just for the pleasure of seeing the shocked look on my face (and then there’s the fainting part).  Is it terrible of me to ask for such a sign?  I don’t think so.  God will make Mr. Right apparent to me in any way he chooses…this sign would just be very cool and fun.

Third…I’m not sure.

What do you think?

What does giving up control of your life to God look like to YOU?

I could really use some more perspectives on this, so please leave your comments.  Also, if you have a personal story about having given up control of YOUR life to God, please share that with us.

Until next time, God bless you and your loved ones.
Manya

It just occurred to me that the only thing about my life with which I’m not content is the fact that I’m not in a relationship…one that I’m passionate about and thoroughly convinced is THE right one for both of us.  I’m pretty happy with everything else.  It suddenly seems a bit odd to me to be placing so much emphasis on this one area of my life.  It’s one area, though, that has a profound impact on all other areas of a person’s life so I guess it calls for quite a bit of emphasis.  Definitely food for thought….

Why is this the subject of my post this week? You probably already guessed…the beauty of today is making me feel somewhat flattened and defeated because the love and companionship I had in my life for a time is now gone.  This change took place recently so it’s very much on my mind (and in my bones).

Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t take for granted the love of my children and friends and family.  I place the highest value on that love and thank God for it.  It warms my heart constantly and has brought me through some very hard times, as well as helping me to appreciate the grand beauty of this world and life and each day we have to share it.

The love and companionship of a man in my life (the right man) complements all of the above. You can view it as “taking care of me.”  While I can be (and have been) quite happy without this kind of love, I would venture to say that I’m more happy with it.  And I think we can all agree that the time just after ending a relationship is difficult because change is difficult…especially when we see that change as being negative.  Eventually, you adapt (let go) and the pain subsides.

Dating after divorce has it’s own challenges. It’s not at all like when you were young and dating.  At that time, you were probably in high school or college.  You were your only responsibility.  The only approval you needed to worry about what that of your parents (and his).  Life and all its glorious possibilities were laid out in front of you.  No (or very little) baggage…only optimism and excitement.

Fast forward to the future. Unfortunately for those of us here, our marriages ended in divorce.  Most of us were blessed with children.  Also, some of us are blessed with parents who are still living.  Our children still need us…our parents need us more and more…and WE have needs/desires of our own (I feel selfish  writing that but I shouldn’t).  How to balance it all?  And how do you fit dating into the mix?  AND, while it used to seem difficult to please your parents with your choice of a boyfriend, that was nothing compared with pleasing your children!  After all, the children who are still living at home will go through a major change in their lives when you decide to date and, perhaps, marry.  Even when they like the person you’re dating, the possible changes that will take place if you marry are frightening for them!  And dating and the thought of marriage is frightening for YOU, too!

Saying that dating after divorce is a challenge is a gross understatement. And there’s still more to throw into the mix…  We’re practicing Catholics so we also need to “please” the church.  We’re not supposed to date if an annulment hasn’t been granted (that goes for you as well as for the man you’re wanting to date.)  And, of course, no physical intimacy outside of marriage.  In this world, those of us trying to live our faith in this area are viewed as quite odd indeed! (even quite often, unfortunately, by other Catholics)

All is not lost…but it really can be overwhelming when you look at the whole picture all at once.

I’m going to stop here and continue this discussion in the next post.  I promise there will more positives then!

Until then, remember to trust in God.

Manya

I just finished reading this book and am anxious to tell you all about it. Well, not ALL about it – you’ll need to read it yourself to get the WHOLE story – but I definitely want to tell a little about it along with my impressions of it.

The authors are both Catholics who have experienced divorce. You can read more about them here.

The book consists of 251 pages split into 17 chapters. So it’s a fairly short book but it’s jam packed with important information!  I wish I’d had this book 6 years ago when my divorce was final…or even before that when I was separated.  At any rate, I’m very glad to have it NOW!

As you can tell, I liked this book and HIGHLY recommend it to YOU. But why?

Being a practicing Catholic is not an easy ‘role’ in our society. I would venture to say that it becomes even more difficult after a divorce.  I mean, Catholics aren’t supposed to divorce!  I’m sure that anyone who goes through a divorce feels like something of a failure but a divorced CATHOLIC?!  Good grief…now there’s a failure for you. (No, I don’t think this is true – just giving a possible impression)

On top of that, if you’re TRULY practicing your faith, you know that you can’t remarry in the Church unless you first receive a Declaration of Nullity of your marriage (yet another ‘trial’ to face) – and if you’re a truly practicing Catholic, you definitely don’t want to marry outside of the church.

So, here you are divorced and experiencing the hell and loneliness of that. Society tells you to pursue relationships as soon as possible in order to bolster your self esteem and soothe some of the horrid loneliness and rejection that you feel.  Not only that, but you’re told to also pursue sexual intimacy in those relationships for the same reasons and, again, as soon as possible. And, actually, those suggestions sound like just what you need and want!

But wait…you’re Catholic…a practicing Catholic…so not all of those options are really options for YOU. (and for good reasons) BOTHER!  Now What?!

Lisa and Vince did an amazing job of covering every aspect of what a divorced Catholic goes through. The Church’s position is also detailed and explained very well.  Then they go on to suggest ways of navigating all the trials and tribulations of divorce while remaining true to the faith.  This book is inspirational and motivational…and challenging.

My divorce was final 6 1/2 years ago. I received a Declaration of Nullity 2 years ago.  I haven’t remarried but hope to one day.  In the meantime, I want to remain true to my faith and this book has helped me to be stronger.  I’m sure I’ll need to reread parts of it for a ‘shot in the arm’ now and then (i.e. often!).

You know how it’s very comforting to be in the company of people who share beliefs that are very important to you? This is what this book did for me…it made me feel supported and it reaffirmed my beliefs – beliefs that are looked upon as rather ‘bizarre’ in our society.  It also challenged me but gave me hope at the same time.

I know that’s all very ‘general’ so here are some details…

Each chapter follows the same format:

• An introduction to the subject of that chapter
• “The Case” – a short narrative from a person about their experience regarding this subject
• A discussion of the subject
• “Concluding Thoughts”
• “Now What?” – a discussion of some steps you might take next
• A “Meditation” consisting of a bible passage, a prayer, a “petition,” a little more discussion, then a closing prayer.
• A “Resolution” – a shorter “Now What?” section consisting of just one ‘next step’
• And, finally, “Suggested Readings”

I thought the prayers & petitions, which were very short and to the point, were right on target and I plan to return to them.

I’m also looking forward to reading some of the books listed in the “Suggested Readings” sections (look for more book reviews in the future!).

Now that I’ve read my copy through once, I’m eager to pass it on to a close friend. I think I’ll be ordering  a couple more copies to have on hand to give away to friends who find themselves experiencing this hell called divorce.

If/when you also read this book, please let us know YOUR thoughts on it!

Manya

P.S. By the way, something that Lisa and Vince did a great job of (but that I didn’t in this post) is in emphasizing the wonderful strength and support that’s to be found in our faith! Seek it out.