Archive for Annulment
Dating After Divorce – Giving Up Control
Posted by: | CommentsAnother beautiful autumn day in Colorado! This morning I played hooky and went for a 6 mile h
ike with my oldest daughter. We’re very spoiled in that we live in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains so great hikes abound right outside our door. We would have waited til this weekend to hike except for two things – snow is predicted AND the trees and bushes are turning color so fast that we might have missed it had we waited. I’m SO glad we didn’t wait. It was breathtakingly beautiful up the mountain. The pictures in this post were taken by my daughter.
Back to the subject at hand…
I received a Declaration of Nullity (annulment) almost exactly 2 years ago. I’ve been dating for 3 years. Yes…I started dating before I received an annulment.
Until very recently, I didn’t consider dating after being divorced and before receiving an annulment to be wrong. Yes, the thought had crossed my mind and it was logical to conclude that it WAS wrong. Why? Because even when you’re divorced, your marriage is still considered to be valid by the Catholic church until you receive a Declaration of Nullity. That means that in the eyes of the church, without an annulment, you’re still married. And we all know that it’s wrong to date while you’re married. I thought, “Come on..that’s going a bit too far” and dated anyway.
When I read the book Divorced. Catholic. Now What? I came to a better understanding of this. Actually, I already had a good understanding of it but now it was “in my face.” But I still didn’t listen. Yes, I read that book recently – after receiving an annulment, so what am I talking about? Well, I was dating a Catholic man at the time who hadn’t started the annulment process, so, obviously, his marriage had not been declared invalid by the church and, therefore, in the eyes of the church, he was still married. I didn’t want to stop dating him so I rationalized and dated anyway…still thinking, “Come on…that’s going a bit too far.” (Yes, it was my relationship with him that ended last week and started me thinking about and writing on this topic.)
Let’s go back in time a bit….
About a week after my divorce was final, I happened upon a Catholic singles’ site called CatholicMatch.com. I hadn’t been looking for such a site…it was actually advertised on the AOL homepage that day which surprised me to no end. And, strangely, I never saw it there again. I joined the site and remained an active member for most of the next 6 years! (Man, that’s a long time…kind of disheartening.)
For the first 4 years, I just wasn’t ready for a serious relationship but I wanted/needed to 
have a connection, and my membership definitely filled that need. I developed online friendships with some very good men over that time and those friendships kept me from being extremely lonely. I actually met only 4 men from there in person (I was very picky and cautious!). I went on to have serious relationships with 2 of those men, both of which ultimately “failed” (the relationships, not the men :0)). So, what’s the problem?!
Well, after this latest failed relationship, I have some thoughts about that.
I have spent my life trying to be in control of my life. Believing in God but not trusting him enough to hand my future over to him…completely and without strings attached. That’s something I’d heard about but it was a frightening concept and I wasn’t quite sure how to do it…and since I didn’t even try, I guess I just didn’t want to do it.
Here I am now…51 years old…one failed marriage…two failed relationships after that…hmmm. My control over my life hasn’t worked out in my favor, has it? And I’ve experienced more than enough heartache for any one life time. So I’m having some serious discussions with myself about what to do next.
Sigh.
My head is telling me to hand my life over to God – NOW! – FINALLY! And, guess what! That thought STILL frightens me and I’m still pulling back from it. Yet, I KNOW it’s what I have to do. Why? Because I’m failing miserably as the one in control. God knows what and who’s best for me so much better than I do. (Yes, I trust him. The scary part is wondering what his time table will be.) I heard a wonderful story recently from a woman who DID give up her life to God. The results were amazing and inspiring and exciting. God came through for her in ways she hadn’t even imagined…and miracles were involved in her story, too. I want that! Of course, it’s possible that God doesn’t have marriage in mind for me. I’m thinking that marriage with a man I love and respect is what I really want, however God may have a different path in mind for me that will actually result in greater happiness for me. I can’t imagine what, but then I don’t know the mind of God. If I give control to God, I need to be open to other possibilities. (this is scary)
So HOW exactly does a person give up control to God? I’m not quite sure. But I have some ideas (surprise surprise :0)).
First, of course, I need to tell God that my life is now completely and utterly HIS to do with as he sees fit. I won’t stand in his way. (Why is this so frightening?)
Second, I need to ask God to let me know, in NO uncertain terms, exactly what it is he wants me to do. I no longer trust myself so I really, really need for God to hit me over the head with his plans. If he decides that I should fall in love and marry, he’d better make that man painfully (no, not painfully, please)…let me rephrase that…he’d better make that man joyfully and EXTREMELY apparent to me. Actually, I’ve already asked God to give me a specific sign for if/when he sends that man. Since only God and I know what this sign is, I’ll probably faint if it ever actually happens. It’s nothing terribly out of the ordinary but just different enough that it would be a bit curious and very apparent to me. I’m pretty sure that God loves a good joke, so I think he’ll actually follow through with giving me this sign just for the pleasure of seeing the shocked look on my face (and then there’s the fainting part). Is it terrible of me to ask for such a sign? I don’t think so. God will make Mr. Right apparent to me in any way he chooses…this sign would just be very cool and fun.
Third…I’m not sure.
What do you think?
What does giving up control of your life to God look like to YOU?
I could really use some more perspectives on this, so please leave your comments. Also, if you have a personal story about having given up control of YOUR life to God, please share that with us.
Until next time, God bless you and your loved ones.
Manya
It just occurred to me that the only thing about my life with which I’m not content is the fact that I’m not in a relationship…one that I’m passionate about and thoroughly convinced is THE right one for both of us. I’m pretty happy with everything else. It suddenly seems a bit odd to me to be placing so much emphasis on this one area of my life. It’s one area, though, that has a profound impact on all other areas of a person’s life so I guess it calls for quite a bit of emphasis. Definitely food for thought….
Dating After Divorce
Posted by: | CommentsIt’s a gorgeous fall day here in Colorado. The kind that heightens your emotions, whatever they may be. For example, if you’re in love and happy as can be…this day would surely increase those feelings so that you’d feel absolutely on top of the world. In much the same way, though, if you’re upset and feeling blue, guess what? Yep…those feelings could also be amplified to the point where you’re feeling flattened and defeated. Why? Because this is a day to luxuriate in and share with someone you love and if you don’t have that kind of love in your life…a day like today will bring your attention to that (if that’s a particular concern of yours on a day like this).
Why is this the subject of my post this week? You probably already guessed…the beauty of today is making me feel somewhat flattened and defeated because the love and companionship I had in my life for a time is now gone. This change took place recently so it’s very much on my mind (and in my bones).
Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t take for granted the love of my children and friends and family. I place the highest value on that love and thank God for it. It warms my heart constantly and has brought me through some very hard times, as well as helping me to appreciate the grand beauty of this world and life and each day we have to share it.
The love and co
mpanionship of a man in my life (the right man) complements all of the above. You can view it as “taking care of me.” While I can be (and have been) quite happy without this kind of love, I would venture to say that I’m more happy with it. And I think we can all agree that the time just after ending a relationship is difficult because change is difficult…especially when we see that change as being negative. Eventually, you adapt (let go) and the pain subsides.
Dating after divorce has it’s own challenges. It’s not at all like when you were young and dating. At that time, you were probably in high school or college. You were your only responsibility. The only approval you needed to worry about what that of your parents (and his). Life and all its glorious possibilities were laid out in front of you. No (or very little) baggage…only optimism and excitement.
Fast forward to the future. Unfortunately for those of us here, our marriages ended in divorce. Most of us were blessed with children. Also, some of us are blessed with parents who are still living. Our children still need us…our parents need us more and more…and WE have needs/desires of our own (I feel selfish writing that but I shouldn’t). How to balance it all? And how do you fit dating into the mix? AND, while it used to seem difficult to please your parents with your choice of a boyfriend, that was nothing compared with pleasing your children! After all, the children who are still living at home will go through a major change in their lives when you decide to date and, perhaps, marry. Even when they like the person you’re dating, the possible changes that will take place if you marry are frightening for them! And dating and the thought of marriage is frightening for YOU, too!
Saying that dating after divorce is a challenge is a gross understatement. And there’s still more to throw into the mix… We’re practicing Catholics so we also need to “please” the church. We’re not supposed to date if an annulment hasn’t been granted (that goes for you as well as for the man you’re wanting to date.) And, of course, no physical intimacy outside of marriage. In this world, those of us trying to live our faith in this area are viewed as quite odd indeed! (even quite often, unfortunately, by other Catholics)
All is not lost…but it really can be overwhelming when you look at the whole picture all at once.
I’m going to stop here and continue this discussion in the next post. I promise there will more positives then!
Until then, remember to trust in God.
Manya
Divorced. Catholic. Now What?
Posted by: | CommentsI’m a big fan (that’s an understatement) of Jennifer & Greg Willits’ Rosary Army Podcast. In episode #196 of their podcast, they interviewed Lisa Duffy and Vince Frese, the authors of the book Divorced. Catholic. Now What? - Navigating Your Life After Divorce.
I just finished reading this book and am anxious to tell you all about it. Well, not ALL about it – you’ll need to read it yourself to get the WHOLE story – but I definitely want to tell a little about it along with my impressions of it.
The authors are both Catholics who have experienced divorce. You can read more about them here.
The book consists of 251 pages split into 17 chapters. So it’s a fairly short book but it’s jam packed with important information! I wish I’d had this book 6 years ago when my divorce was final…or even before that when I was separated. At any rate, I’m very glad to have it NOW!
As you can tell, I liked this book and HIGHLY recommend it to YOU. But why?
Being a practicing Catholic is not an easy ‘role’ in our society. I would venture to say that it becomes even more difficult after a divorce. I mean, Catholics aren’t supposed to divorce! I’m sure that anyone who goes through a divorce feels like something of a failure but a divorced CATHOLIC?! Good grief…now there’s a failure for you. (No, I don’t think this is true – just giving a possible impression)
On top of that, if you’re TRULY practicing your faith, you know that you can’t remarry in the Church unless you first receive a Declaration of Nullity of your marriage (yet another ‘trial’ to face) – and if you’re a truly practicing Catholic, you definitely don’t want to marry outside of the church.
So, here you are divorced and experiencing the hell and loneliness of that. Society tells you to pursue relationships as soon as possible in order to bolster your self esteem and soothe some of the horrid loneliness and rejection that you feel. Not only that, but you’re told to also pursue sexual intimacy in those relationships for the same reasons and, again, as soon as possible. And, actually, those suggestions sound like just what you need and want!
But wait…you’re Catholic…a practicing Catholic…so not all of those options are really options for YOU. (and for good reasons) BOTHER! Now What?!
Lisa and Vince did an amazing job of covering every aspect of what a divorced Catholic goes through. The Church’s position is also detailed and explained very well. Then they go on to suggest ways of navigating all the trials and tribulations of divorce while remaining true to the faith. This book is inspirational and motivational…and challenging.
My divorce was final 6 1/2 years ago. I received a Declaration of Nullity 2 years ago. I haven’t remarried but hope to one day. In the meantime, I want to remain true to my faith and this book has helped me to be stronger. I’m sure I’ll need to reread parts of it for a ‘shot in the arm’ now and then (i.e. often!).
You know how it’s very comforting to be in the company of people who share beliefs that are very important to you? This is what this book did for me…it made me feel supported and it reaffirmed my beliefs – beliefs that are looked upon as rather ‘bizarre’ in our society. It also challenged me but gave me hope at the same time.
I know that’s all very ‘general’ so here are some details…
Each chapter follows the same format:
- An introduction to the subject of that chapter
- “The Case” – a short narrative from a person about their experience regarding this subject
- A discussion of the subject
- “Concluding Thoughts”
- “Now What?” – a discussion of some steps you might take next
- A “Meditation” consisting of a bible passage, a prayer, a “petition,” a little more discussion, then a closing prayer.
- A “Resolution” – a shorter “Now What?” section consisting of just one ‘next step’
- And, finally, “Suggested Readings”
I thought the prayers & petitions, which were very short and to the point, were right on target and I plan to return to them.
I’m also looking forward to reading some of the books listed in the “Suggested Readings” sections (look for more book reviews in the future!).
Now that I’ve read my copy through once, I’m eager to pass it on to a close friend. I think I’ll be ordering a couple more copies to have on hand to give away to friends who find themselves experiencing this hell called divorce.
If/when you also read this book, please let us know YOUR thoughts on it!
Manya
P.S. By the way, something that Lisa and Vince did a great job of (but that I didn’t in this post) is in emphasizing the wonderful strength and support that’s to be found in our faith! Seek it out.
