Divorced Catholic Moms » Divorce

How to Cope When Your World is Torn Apart

Manya — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 16:33:54 +0000

Wow…it’s been a long time since I last wrote. I apologize for that.

I received a message recently from a reader that prompted me to come here to leave a post about what helped me through the hell that is divorce. I’ve written about this before here and here, but it bears repeating…and maybe something different will come through this time.

How do you cope…get through today…tomorrow…and all the days following…when your world has been torn apart by the one person you should have been able to depend upon to protect you and keep you from such pain? It’s a betrayal that hurts like no other. On top of that, it changes everything about your future…and it hurts your children. How do you cope with all of THAT…and continue to do all the things you need to do each day….and help your children to cope, too?

Yes, it seems an impossible task but it isn’t. I can say that with certainty because I’ve been there. No, the circumstances of my divorce and life are not the same as yours…..and I can’t say exactly what will help YOU to cope…all I can do is tell you what helped me during those very dark days and hope that something in my list will help you.

St. John’s Wort – I hear it doesn’t work for everyone but it was amazing in my case. I started taking them when I hit bottom and truly felt that I was sinking into depression. I didn’t want to take drugs if I could avoid them, so I tried St. John’s Wort first. Gradually, as I was feeling better about life and moving past the actual divorce proceedings, I cut down on how much I was taking, a little at a time. If I was still feeling strong after cutting back…then I’d cut back a little more. Sometimes, though, I hit rough patches and increased the amount I took again to get me through it. Eventually, I was able to stop taking it altogether. My children also took St. John’s Wort when they needed it. Note, though, that it takes a few weeks to build up in your system and truly start to make a difference, so if you decide to try it…give it a chance to get to that point. Disclaimer: This is simply what worked for me. Take your own body and health into consideration before deciding if this might be good for you..or not good for you. I don’t know if St. John’s Wort might be dangerous in certain situations or not…

Exercise regularly – again, the effect this had on my mental state was AMAZING. To say nothing of the physical health benefits. I was fortunate to be able to go to the gym each morning at that time. I’d stay for almost 2 hours most of the time…getting in some aerobic exercise on the treadmills and such…then some weight lifting…then, when I had time, a swim and sauna. By the end of that, even if I’d been terribly down when I walked into the gym and had to force myself to go, I was actually feeling upbeat and hopeful! It stunned me time and again.
Exercise DVDs are also pretty awesome. My favorite is Leslie Sansone and her walking DVDs. I work at a computer all day every day and popping a DVD into it and completing one of her 15, 20 or 30 minute routines is about as practical and efficient as it gets!
Eat well – get the best nutrition you can. Like exercise, it will help! Our bodies and our minds are connected..what affects one will affect the other. I didn’t know about her at the time I was going through hell, but I highly recommend The Green Smoothie Girl. Green smoothies take some getting used to but they’re very powerful nutrition. She also has a 12 month program to lead you to eating more whole foods (and get away from processed foods) that I love. I haven’t yet completed it, simply because I get lazy, but, in my opinion, it’s a great program and her blog is a good place to go to learn about good nutrition.
Pamper yourself – with little things on a regular basis. I would buy myself a bar of soap at Crabtree & Evelyn or a special chocolate bar from Germany. Little extravagances that made me feel good. Priceless.
Grieve – yes, allow yourself to grieve. This is important. Don’t try to pretend that you don’t need to. Don’t tell yourself that you’ll be stronger if you don’t give in and cry. Don’t even tell yourself that your children should never see you grieving. I don’t think it’d be a good idea to grieve a lot or regularly in front of your children…but I think it might actually be a good thing for them to know that Mom is sad and in pain over the separation and divorce and it’s okay to cry and be upset. I remember wearing sunglasses almost all the time for a while because it seemed I was constantly tearing up. The slightest thing would get me going and I could hide it fairly well behind sunglasses. I caution you, though, to not go to the other extreme and allow yourself to wallow in grief. This would not be good for anyone. Be human but don’t be a victim. Some find it useful to give themselves a time limit and actually schedule times during which they grieve.
Pray – even if you’re angry with God. I was very angry with God for what felt like a long time. I felt betrayed by Him, too, because here I was praying and praying for my marriage to be healed and things only got worse. Didn’t He want my marriage to stay intact?! Where was He?!!! I reached a point where I actually did stop praying…it felt useless. Now, though, I can see that He was there all along with us but He wasn’t doing what I wanted Him to do. He wasn’t answering the prayers I was praying. I should have been praying differently. Instead of asking him to change my husband (remember that “free will” stuff? I was asking God to cast that aside where my husband was concerned.). I should have been asking Him for strength..wisdom…understanding…perseverance…hope….patience. In short, I should have been asking Him to help me to cope with the circumstances as they were. I also should have been working at turning all control over to God and asking Him to help me to do that. Don’t forget to ask for help specifically from the Holy Spirit, too. Also, continue to practice your faith (i.e. go to mass and confession…go to adoration if it’s available to you). I just went through the motions here for over a year (it was probably more like 3 years). I did this because I had young children and I didn’t want to damage their faith. Lo and behold…after simply going thru the motions, my faith eventually returned to me full force..and then some.
Support system – I hope you have a good support system of close friends and family. If you do, please take them up on their offers to help. They WANT to help and you NEED their help. You’re not imposing on them when you say yes to their bringing dinner over…or taking you out…or letting them babysit while you get away for a while…or you let them listen to you vent (time and again). And don’t hesitate to ask for their help. Don’t get carried away with this, of course, but don’t go to the other extreme of saying, “No thank you” or “I’m fine…I can handle it” all the time, either. We need to let others help us through these challenges in life…and, in turn, to help others when they’re going through their challenges.
Live someone else’s life for a little while, through movies and books. Watch movies that make you feel good. Sometimes watch movies that make you cry- it’s a great way to give yourself permission to cry. Read books (I love to listen to books when I exercise).

That’s my list…what is yours? Let us know what really helps you. It might be something that will help someone else.

May God bless you and bring you peace.

Manya

Getting Through the Really Bad Days

Manya — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 15:00:07 +0000

We all have bad days…especially those who have experienced the hell of being deeply hurt by another person to the point of having their lives changed drastically in a most painful way. Those of us who have gone through separation and divorce fall into this category. (our children fall into this category, too)

When in the middle of separation and divorce, pretty much every day is a bad day. As time and understanding put distance between today and the hell of “back then,” you will have more good days than bad…but, for various reasons, bad days still happen on occasion.

Lisa Duffy shared her thoughts on ways to get through the bad days that inevitably crop up.

5 Secrets for Getting Through a Bad Day

I hope this helps!

God bless you and bring you peace.

Manya

Journey of Hope 2011 Conference

Manya — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 15:51:46 +0000

Just a reminder of this awesome event that is coming up. I hope you can be there. We divorced Catholics tend to complain that there’s no support for us…but there is!

The Journey of Hope 2011 Conference!

If the price for attending the conference is too steep for you, contact them…they’ll work with you to make sure that finances will not keep you from being there!

God bless and bring you peace.

Manya

The Ten Biggest Misconceptions About Divorce

Manya — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 15:00:04 +0000

Okay…I’m going out on a limb here because I think this is a fairly accurate list that Vicki, over at Girlfriend’s Guide has created.

The Ten Biggest Misconceptions About Divorce

Why do I say that I’m going out on a limb? Because I’m giving you a link and recommending that you follow it to a site that is not Catholic. Let me state that I am not endorsing everything on the site…only the one post I’m providing the link to. (And I’m not NOT endorsing the entire site either…I don’t know what’s on the rest of the site so I’m remaining neutral.)

At any rate, I’m sharing this list with you. There is more than one item on her list that I completely agree with and wish I’d been told about when I was going through divorce, which is why I’m recommending you take a look at it. (just for the record, I don’t agree with #10…and I think #9 is completely “fixable” IF both spouses are honestly willing to try)If you’re currently going through divorce, some of these items might be helpful.

Also, let me state a few things that I hope by now are obvious:

I believe divorce should NOT happen
If you’re heading toward divorce, please get help and do EVERYTHING you can to heal your marriage and make it strong and beautiful – this is entirely possible
If you’ve done #2 and your spouse still insists on divorce, then read the list for which I’ve provided a link
In ANY case…KEEP PRAYING and stay true to your Catholic faith! This will give you strength and peace.

For those who have been through divorce, are there any other items you’d add to this list?

May God bless us and bring us peace.

Manya

Help Divorced Catholics Get to the Conference!

Manya — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 16:44:33 +0000

Lisa Duffy of DivorcedCatholic.org asked me to post this link – http://www.catholicmatch.com/blog/2010/12/catholicmatch-gives-help-divorced-catholics-find-hope/ .

This is very cool and very important. You see, CatholicMatch.com is sponsoring a “contest.” The cause that receives the biggest response via the link above, Facebook AND Twitter will receive a donation. If DivorcedCatholic.org wins, the contribution will be used to help divorced Catholics who would like to attend the Journey of Hope conference but who can’t afford the cost. This person might be you!

So, please, click on the link above and leave a comment after Lisa’s article. Then retweet about it and post about it on facebook. They make it very easy by providing buttons to click at the top of the article!

As you know, this is a great cause. A great many of the comments I receive on this site are complaints that there isn’t any help “out there” for divorced Catholics. Well HERE IS HELP…but it needs YOUR help, too!

Please get involved. This is really so simple.

May God bless and bring you peace.

Manya

P.S. HAPPY NEW YEAR! Make this year better than the last. You CAN do it.

Journey of Hope Radio – A New Show Weekly!

Manya — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 13:14:56 +0000

Not to harp on this subject but I want to point out this tremendous resource again and to let you know that this radio show is now taking place on a weekly basis!

Yesterday’s show topic was about dating and intimacy after divorce. This is a HUGE “issue” for us…

Is dating okay after divorce and without having received a Declaration of Nullity?
Is dating okay during separation?
How about intimacy? The world tells us to be intimate with someone as soon as possible as a way of healing your hurt psyche and “get on with life.”

But IS that the best way to go?!

What about our faith?

Do I now have to be alone and celibate for the rest of my life???

But my spouse chose to throw our marriage away and divorce me…why should I be punished for that????

Yep…been there done that…and I didn’t have Lisa Duffy and Vince Frese of Divorced Catholic to help me to answer those tough questions…but YOU do!

Just click on the Blog Talk Radio box in the left column of this page and you can then click on the episode you’d like to listen to. And try to listen to the show live when you can so you can ask Lisa, Vince and their guests questions. Use this tremendous resource that is available to you…it’s truly a blessing.

May God bless and bring you peace.

Manya

Journey of Hope Radio!!!

Manya — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 20:47:14 +0000

Now THIS is exciting. I just found out about it and ran on over here to tell you.

We are pleased to announce the Journey of Hope Radio show on BlogTalkRadio.Com beginning Wednesday, June 30th, 2010 at 9:00AM EST!

There is a great need for an ongoing discussion regarding the challenges divorced Catholic men and women face, and through this program we hope to engage our distinguished guests and listeners in an informative and supportive conversation. Our goal is to provide you with accurate information and support as you deal with the process and aftermath of divorce.

Our first guest will be Fr. Thomas Williams, LC, back by popular demand from his appearance as Keynote Speaker at the Journey of Hope 2010 Conference last February. Fr. Thomas, Vince, and I will be eager to take your calls! The call-in number for the show is 1(347)989-1231.

Perhaps the best part about the show is that it is recorded, so if you are unable to listen live you can always visit our show page at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/journeyofhoperadio and listen to the recorded podcast!

We ask for your prayers for the success of the program and look forward to taking your calls on June 30th at 9:00am EST!

Sincerely,
Lisa Duffy, DivorcedCatholic.Org

Be sure to put this on your calendar and listen. It’s going to be good! Actually, go to the blog talk radio link and you can have them send you a reminder in any of four different ways! Too cool. Also, remember that if you can’t listen live, you can access the recording afterwards.

May God bless and bring you peace,
Manya

Legislation in Minnesota Encourages Marital Reconciliation!

Manya — Tue, 25 May 2010 00:59:54 +0000

Now this is a breath of fresh air!

New Legislation Helps Minnesotans Reconcile Marriages

I hope and pray that more states follow….

Manya

A Patron Saint for Divorced Catholic Mothers

Manya — Fri, 14 May 2010 02:01:21 +0000

Recently I received a message from a woman who is Catholic but never received the sacrament of Confirmation. However, she’ll be receiving it soon. She was in the process of deciding what name to choose for herself and was wondering if I knew a saint who is, or could be, the patron saint for a single mother. Amazingly, I didn’t… I mean, that’s kind of a ‘no brainer’ given the subject of this blog. I even wrote a post quite a while ago about a possible patron saint for divorced, Catholic fathers…but never did one for us mothers! So, thanks to her message, here we go.

I did a google search and found one that seems to fit SO well. She’s also a very interesting woman. I’d like to find a good book on her, so if you know of one, please don’t keep it to yourself!

The following is from AmericanCatholic.org….

St. Helen (249-329) found the True Cross in Jerusalem and, for many centuries, devotion to St. Helen has been linked to devotion to the Holy Cross. It would be hard to find a painting, statue or holy card of her that does not depict her embracing the cross.

But there is another, sadder facet of Helen’s life. After 22 years of marriage, Helen’s husband, Constantius, divorced her in order to make a politically advantageous marriage with a young woman who was a member of Rome’s imperial family.

Clearly, St. Helen would be a natural choice as patron of divorced and divorcing people, so why has this devotion to her arisen only recently? For most of the 1,700 years since Helen’s death, divorce was rare, even among non-Catholics. Among Catholics it was almost unthinkable. Today, unfortunately, when divorce has become commonplace, St. Helen is offered to unhappy spouses as a heavenly patron who can truly sympathize with their anguish.

Helen was also the mother of the Roman emperor, Constantine, who was the first Christian Roman emperor. He is also a saint.

Well…who could be a more perfect patron saint for us? Not only did she experience the horrors of divorce… then go on to be declared a saint… but she raised a son who has also been declared a saint!! She sounds to me like she was an amazing woman in many respects.

I found a holy card that can be purchased from The Shrine of Our Lady of Czestochowa, which is in Pennsylvania. The prayer on the card is also just perfect for us:

Holy and blessed Saint Helen,

with the anguish and devotion with which You sought the Cross of Christ,

I plead that You give me God’s grace to suffer in patience the labours of this life,

so that through them and through your intercession and protections,

I will be able to seek and carry the Cross, which God has placed on me,

so that I can serve Him in this life and enjoy His Glory ever after. Amen

If you have any tidbits of information about St. Helen to share with us, please do!!

May God bless and bring you peace.

St. Helen, pray for us.

Manya

P.S. The image of a statue of St. Helen shows an old woman because it’s believed that she was in her 80′s when she found the cross! Can you imagine being in your 80′s back in the late 200′s! Truly an amazing woman…

The Feast of Divine Mercy – An Explanation

Manya — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 15:00:04 +0000

(An important point…The novena of Divine Mercy leads up to the Feast of Divine Mercy. They’re actually separate. It’s not necessary to pray the novena in order to celebrate & receive the blessings of the Feast of Divine Mercy. Of course, though, praying the novena is highly recommended!)

If you haven’t had a chance to read up on the story behind The Divine Mercy Novena and the blessings/promises attached to it and, also, (more importantly) the celebration of the Feast of Mercy, let me tell you some important things…

First of all, the following (and so much more) was revealed to Sister Faustina Kowalska, who is now St. Faustina. Click on that link to learn more about her, the novena and Mercy Sunday.

The Feast of Mercy is the Sunday after Easter. Christ instituted this feast in order to offer each of us a fresh start…and what He has promised is truly stunning. The following are the words He spoke to St. Faustina:

I want to grant a complete pardon to the souls that will go to Confession and receive Holy Communion on the Feast of My mercy.

Whoever approaches the Fountain of Life on this day will be granted complete forgiveness of sins and punishment.

If that didn’t fully sink in, read it again. COMPLETE forgiveness of sins AND punishment. That is huge! (Of course, a complete and sincere confession needs to be made.)

It is not necessary to go to confession on the feast day itself. Actually we’re encouraged to go before this Sunday…even before Holy Week…so that there will not be an overwhelmingly
large number of people seeking confession on one day.

The Lord also insists that we be merciful ourselves! Again, His words to St. Faustina:

Yes, the first Sunday after Easter is the Feast of Mercy, but there must also be acts of mercy…I demand from you deeds of mercy, which are to arise out of love for Me. You are to show mercy to your neighbors always and everywhere. You must not shrink from this
or try to excuse or absolve yourself from it.

This may be the hardest part of this novena for those of us who have experienced or are experiencing divorce and the pains brought upon us and our children by our spouses! It is NOT easy to forgive the one who vowed to love and remain faithful to you forever. The one who is supposed to be your shelter from pain and troubles in your life. The one who may have betrayed and hurt you in a way that NO other in this world is capable of. Believe me, I know this. It takes time and practice to be able to forgive your spouse for such things…and to be able to forgive the other person, IF there was another person involved in the destruction of your relationship.

God is asking, demanding actually, that we show mercy in exchange for His showing mercy to us. That makes sense. However, I think God will understand if you’re not able to completely forgive your spouse
just yet. Simply start working on it with a genuine desire to be able to forgive him/her. And, of course, show mercy in other areas of your life, too. AND, please don’t forget to show mercy to yourself! Yes…sometimes we need to be able to forgive ourselves, too….sometimes more often than we’d care to admit. Actually, in my experience, it wasn’t until I was able to fully acknowledge my part in the death of our relationship that I was able to really start forgiving my ex-husband – and myself.

So, here are all the steps to properly observing the Feast of Mercy: (taken from The Divine Mercy Message and Devotion)

1. Celebrate the Feast on the Sunday after Easter

2. Sincerely repent of all our sins;

3. Place our complete trust in Jesus;

4. Go to Confession, preferably before that Sunday;

5. Receive Holy Communion on the day of the Feast;

6. Venerate* the Image of The Divine Mercy;

7. Be merciful to others, through our actions, words, and prayers on their behalf.

*To venerate a sacred image or statue simply means to perform some act or make some gesture of deep religious respect toward it because of the person whom it represents.

Notice that in order to obtain the promises of Christ attached to celebrating The Feast of Mercy, it is NOT necessary to have participated in the novena. So if you have not been praying the novena, please don’t let that stop you from celebrating this feast this coming Sunday. Some parishes focus on this feast on Mercy Sunday…others (sadly) don’t even acknowledge it. It’s not necessary for your parish to hold special celebrations in order for YOU to celebrate the feast. Simply follow the 7 steps above on your own, individually.

God bless us all and bring us peace (and mercy!).

Manya