Need a Breakthrough this Lent? Try Fasting – Seriously.

Instead of putting it aside to read later (like I should have ), I read it immediately.  It’s compelling!

This Wednesday, I fast – seriously.

Do you have any stories regarding fasting?  Please share with us if you do.

May God bring us peace,

Manya

Those who are in the midst of separation and divorce have a very hard time even conceiving of life as ever being joyful again. I was there and know those thoughts and feelings and the pain of it. And now I’m here and I know that terrible, hellish time DOES pass…and the joy returns to life in abundance when you keep your eye on God. Even more so when you give control of your life to Him.

This is not an easy thing to do…it’s an ongoing struggle and it’s difficult to know if control has actually been given or not….but keep practicing…you’ll be completely amazed.

May God bless and bring you peace.
Manya

I hope 2010 was a good year for you…that progress was made towards healing and happiness for you and your families.

2010 was a very challenging year for me and my family.  The first 6 months saw my mother’s struggle with alzheimers increase by leaps and bounds.  In July, she passed on to heaven.  I miss her but I’m so happy that her struggles have come to an end.  My father (her husband of 68 years!!!) still struggles with his loss but he is doing really well.  After the initial, overwhelming sadness and fear over being without her, he has settled into acceptance and finds great strength in his faith.  Our parents continue to teach us til the end!  I will be forever grateful for all my parents taught me in this life.

During my mothers illness and after her death, my business suffered from my being away from it (physically AND emotionally) during that time.  I am a Virtual Assistant – I work with small business owners and nonprofit directors, handling their administrative and online marketing needs.  I’m happy to say that my clients were very understanding and stuck with me through those difficult days.  (May God bless them all!)   The second half of the year, I was completely overwhelmed with trying to catch up and then stay on top of their needs. It was such a challenge that I let one client go, as of the beginning of January, so that I could get back to some balance in my life. (i.e.  less time devoted to client work…more time devoted to family and “down” time)  This will mean a tightening of our belts around here, but it’s a change that’s worth the cost.

Due to all of the above, this blog was sorely neglected by me!

My New Year’s resolutions:

• No client work on Sundays!
• Make progress towards no “work” of any kind on Sundays!! (Remember how we’re supposed to “Keep the Lord’s day holy”…?  There is a huge amount of wisdom in that.)
• Make progress towards rest and relaxation on Sundays…do only those things that are enjoyable (I enjoy working in the garden so I don’t strictly classify that as work. )
• Post to this blog on Sundays.
• Drink at least one green smoothie each day.  (this is my “get physically healthier” resolution…see www.greensmoothiegirl.com for more info…I highly recommend this!)
• Keep striving towards giving God control of my life (so far so good…some wonderful and totally unexpected blessings have come my way recently.  God DOES love to surprise and delight us…especially when we let him do the driving. )
• Oh…and I might actually start a newsletter this year (finally….)

So…if all goes as planned, this blog will be updated more than once every month or so!  Thank you to all who have been loyal followers  in my absence!  I can’t tell you how much that means to me and how that motivates me to continue here.

I’m looking forward to what is in store for us this year…and to what we MAKE of this year!

A request….when you find that a post is “right on the mark”….or when you take issue with a post…or when you have something to add…please, please, please leave a comment.  This can be done anonymously, so please don’t hesitate to join in here!  Your thoughts will make the content here richer.

May God bless and bring peace to us all!

Manya

Rather than explaining it in detail on this blog, please go HERE where it’s explained beautifully (why reinvent the wheel?).  If you do a search for “consecration” on the site, you will even find a podcast in which Jennifer & Greg talk about consecration.  And they have each day’s prayers in audio form!  Very cool.

I hope you and your families had a wonderful Christmas and that you find blessings and joy in the new year!

Manya

The hours until Christmas are being tracked by my youngest.  :0)  Gotta love it.

Our tradition is to open gifts from family and friends on Christmas Eve (this is how I was brought up) and then wake up to find gifts from Santa on Christmas morning.

I’m not sure yet which Christmas mass we’ll be going to.  I love the idea of midnight mass on Christmas Eve (which is actually going to be held at midnight this year!  Yes, in years past, the “midnight” mass has been held at 10:30….go figure.)  However, actually staying awake until then is not an easy thing for me.  (I’m not a night owl this time of year.)  We DID go to the “midnight” mass at least once in the recent past and we all enjoyed it immensely.  The choir was amazing and, if I remember correctly, the lights were dimmed, which I just love.

Whatever YOUR tradtions are, I hope that you all have a wonderful and blessed Christmas!

Try to relax, simplify and focus on simply enjoying the company of those you love.  The decorations and food don’t have to be “perfect”…that’s not what’s most important.  Make memories of BEING together.

If this is the year when your children spend Christmas day with your ex-spouse, chances are that  it’ll be a difficult day for you.   I do hope, if that’s the case, that you’ll be spending the day with friends and extended family or, perhaps. making new friends/family by helping out at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen.   Then, celebrate Christmas with your children either before or after the actual day!

If you have some great suggestions for how to spend a Christmas day away from your children, please share it with all of us by leaving a comment.  That would be a lovely gift.

May God bless you and those you love!!

Merry Christmas!

Manya

Tomorrow, my second oldest graduates from college! That just amazes me. I swear it seems like yesterday…well, okay….a couple years ago :0)….that I graduated from college. How could it possibly have been 27 years ago?!  And how could I have two children at that point in their lives! (My oldest graduated last year.)

Funny how memories can remain so fresh.

I met my husband (ex-husband) in college. He was a sophomore and I was a junior. We lived on the same floor of the dorm. Yep…it was a very progressive college. I had no idea the dorms were coed until the day I moved in. I don’t know how my parents and I managed to miss that little detail…

Anyway, I think a couple months went by before he and I met. I still vividly remember the first time I saw him. I was sitting on my bed and the door to the room was open.Strangely enough, my roommate and I were having a conversation about the type of men we wanted to marry. Then he walked by and I was taken by his looks and the way he was dressed and how he was walking with purpose (he was on his way to class and probably didn’t have a second to spare). He was handsome and he wore dark brown corduroy pants with a matching vest and a brown plaid, long sleeved shirt.  And he carried an umbrella!  He looked rather professorial and I liked that.

We started dating a few months later and were an ‘item’ for the next couple of years. We had some rough spots in our courtship (which originated with me, truth be told) but after 5 years of dating, we married. We had originally planned to marry the year before we actually did but just 2 months before the wedding, we called it off.  It simply didn’t feel ‘right’ to either of us…but we never really discussed it.  So strange to not have talked about it. (and to not have acknowledged the huge red flags waving)

We continued to see each other…I dated another man briefly but was drawn back to him.  We had been dating so long and we got along well and were very comfortable with each other. So we got married the next year.

I know, I know….those are not the best reasons for two people to get married. We were young and idealistic (“everything will turn out well”).  Mostly, though, I believe that each of us was afraid of being alone and of starting over again in new relationships. It seemed easier in our minds to simply marry each other…

I can look back now over our years together and see clearly the part I played in the downfall of our marriage and how everything fell apart and why.  Through our separation and divorce, though, I was too angry and hurt to see things clearly or to take on any blame.  Time and going through the annulment process (and being honest with myself) helped to open my eyes.  This is just one reason why I encourage divorced Catholics to go through the process – when they’re ready to.

So, my second oldest is starting a new phase of her life tomorrow.   I’m almost envious and almost wish I could return to that time of limitless possibilities stretched out before me.  But then again…I’m glad all that is behind me.  I’m enjoying THIS phase of my life and the results of all the growth I’ve done over the years and all the experiences I’ve had.  There was good and there was bad but each went into making me who I am today. I”m definitely older, wiser and more confident.  I have regrets – most definitely – but I”m happy.

I wish a wonderful, exciting, interesting, happy, fulfilling life to my daughter. I pray that she is wiser at her age than her mother and father were.  And I pray that she never experiences a failed marriage.   (Actually, she’s already experienced a failed marriage, as have all my children.  So, I pray that they never experience the failure of another marriage – their own.)

Whatever comes her way, though, and whatever results from decisions she and those she loves makes – I know everything WILL turn out well…

May God bless you and those you love with the very best of Christmases and may He help you to make the new year an amazing one!

Manya

My husband left me in 1993, and it wasn’t until 1995 that I initiated the annulment process. During those first years of divorce, I dated and had one relationship which I regret, not only because I was betraying my vows and offending God, but also because it was not a healthy relationship and it only made my pain of divorce worse.

In 1997, I received a declaration of nullity and had also undergone a major rejuvenation of my faith and dedication to Christ. I felt I was finally in the right place to begin dating and seeking a new spouse. But I became terribly disappointed with dating. The only Catholic men I was meeting were young men who had never been married, or guys who were close to my age (late 30′s) who were either divorced, not Catholic, or Catholic “but not really.” I began to lose hope in finding anyone who would be right to marry. Then, I began to doubt that getting married again was part of God’s plan for me.

During my first marriage, I had suffered 3 miscarriages, one at about 20 weeks along. The doctors detected the problem and I had major surgery to fix it, but was told afterwards that although I could now carry children, the surgery had rendered me sterile and my chances of conceiving were less than 1%. This happened just shortly before my husband left. So I began to wonder if God had never intended for me to be married in the first place…?

Divorced, no chance of having children… was God trying to tell me something? That’s when a thought occurred to me. Maybe I was supposed to be a nun this whole time!

The men and women who consecrate themselves to Christ alone and live their days in total service to Him are people I admire immensely. However, I have never felt called to be a nun or consecrated woman. This tiny doubt, though, began a long period of arguing with God. I didn’t want to let go of my dream of being a wife and mother, but every time I thought of that dream, the image of a nun tapped me on the shoulder. I still dated during this time and, yet, only became more miserable.

One day, I was in my car stopped at a red traffic light. A family was crossing the cross-walk in front of me; a mom pushing a stroller and a dad with their child on his shoulders. I thought it was a beautiful sight. But, of course, the thoughts of being a nun came crashing through and I immediately pushed them away for the billionth time – with anger and frustration.

Suddenly, everything became very quiet; outside, but especially inside. It was like Jesus telling the stormy seas to calm. Then, my heart heard a very gentle, unmistakable voice which said, “Why won’t you give me this part of your life?” I knew it was Christ speaking to me and I could not deny Him. I knew He wanted me to loosen the vice grip I had on my dream of marriage and motherhood and let Him take care of my life. The encounter I had with Christ at that moment brought me to tears and changed me.

The next morning I went to mass before work. I am a visual person and so, during the consecration, I imagined my wedding dress thrown over the altar and lifted up with the paten, just so I could drive the point home to myself that I was going to let God handle my life from now on. The only mistake I was making here, was that I thought this meant I was going to be a nun. So I committed myself to going down that path even though I didn’t want to. I went on a retreat with a community of consecrated ladies in Rhode Island and I had an appointment set up with the Carmelite convent in New Haven, CT. to meet with the Mother Superior.

HOWEVER, two weeks after that special mass offering, the man who is now my incredible husband, Jim, walked into my place of employment. When I was introduced to him as a new co-worker, I didn’t think anything of it, but he said he knew almost right away that he would marry me. Jim had been in the seminary studying for the priesthood for 10 years previous to this. When he and his spiritual director came to the conclusion that he was not meant to be a priest, he experienced his own type of divorce.

He was in for a long haul if he wanted to date me, because I was convinced at that point that I was supposed to be a nun or consecrated woman! In the 7 months we worked together, we went from me not liking him very much at all , to the two of us becoming comfortable as co-workers, then to striking up a friendship and, finally, to me realizing that he was the one God had picked for me! And knowing he was THE one became as clear to me as that earlier message that I had to give God control of my dream.

None of this “giving up control to God” is easy for anyone. It takes a “supernatural attitude” that the world seems to tell us is nonsense. I know Jim is the one God meant for me and that God brought us together. The day we married was like night and day in comparison to my first marriage. When we took our vows, I had NO reservations, NO doubts.  I was filled with joy.

I was obviously mistaken in thinking that God was asking me to become a nun. He simply wanted me to trust Him with that very important part of my life – my dreams for myself and my future. I had prayed for years that God would bring me a man who would not make fun of me for practicing my faith and that I alone would be good enough for him (no other women involved). When I finally gave my hopes and dreams to God, He gave me so much more than I ever could have asked for…

We now have 3 beautiful children, ages 4, 5 and 7, despite the conclusion of the doctors that I would never be able to conceive. Jim is a great father and wonderful husband who loves me and me alone. I could not have picked anyone better, which is why I’m so glad I let God pick him for me.

My point is to simply say:

• Trust God.

• Give Him the relationship(s) that have ended.

• Give Him your sorrow and loneliness.

• Grant Him access to your dream for happiness in the future and give Him full control.

He will not disappoint you!!

That story from a woman of great faith who has experienced the hell of divorce and came through a painful learning process to finally experience the amazing results of giving up her free will to God – is SO helpful. (sorry for the extra long sentence)

By the way, that’s Lisa Duffy’s story – one of the authors of Divorced. Catholic. Now What? - a book I HIGHLY recommend.

If you have a similar story or know of someone who does, please share it with us! If it’s not your own story, of course please ask permission first.  I’ll be thrilled to put it in a future post.

Until next time…May God bless you and those you love.

Manya

Back to the subject at hand…

I received a Declaration of Nullity (annulment) almost exactly 2 years ago. I’ve been dating for 3 years.  Yes…I started dating before I received an annulment.

Until very recently, I didn’t consider dating after being divorced and before receiving an annulment to be wrong. Yes, the thought had crossed my mind and it was logical to conclude that it WAS wrong.  Why?  Because even when you’re divorced, your marriage is still considered to be valid by the Catholic church until you receive a Declaration of Nullity. That means that in the eyes of the church, without an annulment, you’re still married.  And we all know that it’s wrong to date while you’re married.  I thought, “Come on..that’s going a bit too far” and dated anyway.

When I read the book Divorced. Catholic. Now What? I came to a better understanding of this. Actually, I already had a good understanding of it but now it was “in my face.” But I still didn’t listen.  Yes, I read that book recently – after receiving an annulment, so what am I talking about?  Well, I was dating a Catholic man at the time who hadn’t started the annulment process, so, obviously, his marriage had not been declared invalid by the church and, therefore, in the eyes of the church, he was still married.  I didn’t want to stop dating him so I rationalized and dated anyway…still thinking, “Come on…that’s going a bit too far.”  (Yes, it was my relationship with him that ended last week and started me thinking about and writing on this topic.)

Let’s go back in time a bit….

About a week after my divorce was final, I happened upon a Catholic singles’ site called CatholicMatch.com. I hadn’t been looking for such a site…it was actually advertised on the AOL homepage that day which surprised me to no end.  And, strangely, I never saw it there again.  I joined the site and remained an active member for most of the next 6 years! (Man, that’s a long time…kind of disheartening.)

For the first 4 years, I just wasn’t ready for a serious relationship but I wanted/needed to have a connection, and my membership definitely filled that need. I developed online friendships with some very good men over that time and those friendships kept me from being extremely lonely.  I actually met only 4 men from there in person (I was very picky and cautious!).  I went on to have serious relationships with 2 of those men, both of which ultimately “failed” (the relationships, not the men :0)).  So, what’s the problem?!

Well, after this latest failed relationship, I have some thoughts about that.

I have spent my life trying to be in control of my life. Believing in God but not trusting him enough to hand my future over to him…completely and without strings attached.  That’s something I’d heard about but it was a frightening concept and I wasn’t quite sure how to do it…and since I didn’t even try, I guess I just didn’t want to do it.

Here I am now…51 years old…one failed marriage…two failed relationships after that…hmmm. My control over my life hasn’t worked out in my favor, has it?  And I’ve experienced more than enough heartache for any one life time.  So I’m having some serious discussions with myself about what to do next.

Sigh.

My head is telling me to hand my life over to God – NOW! – FINALLY! And, guess what!  That thought STILL frightens me and I’m still pulling back from it.  Yet, I KNOW it’s what I have to do.   Why?  Because I’m failing miserably as the one in control.  God knows what and who’s best for me so much better than I do. (Yes, I trust him.  The scary part is wondering what his time table will be.)  I heard a wonderful story recently from a woman who DID give up her life to God.  The results were amazing and inspiring and exciting.  God came through for her in ways she hadn’t even imagined…and miracles were involved in her story, too.  I want that!  Of course, it’s possible that God doesn’t have marriage in mind for me.  I’m thinking that marriage with a man I love and respect is what I really want, however God may have a different path in mind for me that will actually result in greater happiness for me.  I can’t imagine what, but then I don’t know the mind of God.  If I give control to God, I need to be open to other possibilities.  (this is scary)

So HOW exactly does a person give up control to God? I’m not quite sure. But I have some ideas (surprise surprise :0)).

First, of course, I need to tell God that my life is now completely and utterly HIS to do with as he sees fit. I won’t stand in his way. (Why is this so frightening?)

Second, I need to ask God to let me know, in NO uncertain terms, exactly what it is he wants me to do. I no longer trust myself so I really, really need for God to hit me over the head with his plans. If he decides that I should fall in love and marry, he’d better make that man painfully (no, not painfully, please)…let me rephrase that…he’d better make that man joyfully and EXTREMELY apparent to me.  Actually, I’ve already asked God to give me a specific sign for if/when he sends that man.  Since only God and I know what this sign is, I’ll probably faint if it ever actually happens.  It’s nothing terribly out of the ordinary but just different enough that it would be a bit curious and very apparent to me. I’m pretty sure that God loves a good joke, so I think he’ll actually follow through with giving me this sign just for the pleasure of seeing the shocked look on my face (and then there’s the fainting part).  Is it terrible of me to ask for such a sign?  I don’t think so.  God will make Mr. Right apparent to me in any way he chooses…this sign would just be very cool and fun.

Third…I’m not sure.

What do you think?

What does giving up control of your life to God look like to YOU?

I could really use some more perspectives on this, so please leave your comments.  Also, if you have a personal story about having given up control of YOUR life to God, please share that with us.

Until next time, God bless you and your loved ones.
Manya

It just occurred to me that the only thing about my life with which I’m not content is the fact that I’m not in a relationship…one that I’m passionate about and thoroughly convinced is THE right one for both of us.  I’m pretty happy with everything else.  It suddenly seems a bit odd to me to be placing so much emphasis on this one area of my life.  It’s one area, though, that has a profound impact on all other areas of a person’s life so I guess it calls for quite a bit of emphasis.  Definitely food for thought….