Archive for Giving control to God
Dating After Divorce – Giving Up Control Part 2
Posted by: | CommentsI have a very special story to share with you that a friend recently shared with me. I hope you find it as inspiring and motivating as I did.
My husband left me in 1993, and it wasn’t until 1995 that I initiated the annulment process. During those first years of divorce, I dated and had one relationship which I regret, not only because I was betraying my vows and offending God, but also because it was not a healthy relationship and it only made my pain of divorce worse.
In 1997, I received a declaration of nullity and had also undergone a major rejuvenation of my faith and dedication to Christ. I felt I was finally in the right place to begin dating and seeking a new spouse. But I became terribly disappointed with dating. The only Catholic men I was meeting were young men who had never been married, or guys who were close to my age (late 30′s) who were either divorced, not Catholic, or Catholic “but not really.” I began to lose hope in finding anyone who would be right to marry. Then, I began to doubt that getting married again was part of God’s plan for me.
During my first marriage, I had suffered 3 miscarriages, one at about 20 weeks along. The doctors detected the problem and I had major surgery to fix it, but was told afterwards that although I could now carry children, the surgery had rendered me sterile and my chances of conceiving were less than 1%. This happened just shortly before my husband left. So I began to wonder if God had never intended for me to be married in the first place…?
Divorced, no chance of having children… was God trying to tell me something? That’s when a thought occurred to me. Maybe I was supposed to be a nun this whole time!
The men and women who consecrate themselves to Christ alone and live their days in total service to Him are people I admire immensely. However, I have never felt called to be a nun or consecrated woman. This tiny doubt, though, began a long period of arguing with God. I didn’t want to let go of my dream of being a wife and mother, but every time I thought of that dream, the image of a nun tapped me on the shoulder. I still dated during this time and, yet, only became more miserable.
One day, I was in my car stopped at a red traffic light. A family was crossing the cross-walk in front of me; a mom pushing a stroller and a dad with their child on his shoulders. I thought it was a beautiful sight. But, of course, the thoughts of being a nun came crashing through and I immediately pushed them away for the billionth time – with anger and frustration.
Suddenly, everything became very quiet; outside, but especially inside. It was like Jesus telling the stormy seas to calm. Then, my heart heard a very gentle, unmistakable voice which said, “Why won’t you give me this part of your life?” I knew it was Christ speaking to me and I could not deny Him. I knew He wanted me to loosen the vice grip I had on my dream of marriage and motherhood and let Him take care of my life. The encounter I had with Christ at that moment brought me to tears and changed me.
The next morning I went to mass before work. I am a visual person and so, during the consecration, I imagined my wedding dress thrown over the altar and lifted up with the paten, just so I could drive the point home to myself that I was going to let God handle my life from now on. The only mistake I was making here, was that I thought this meant I was going to be a nun. So I committed myself to going down that path even though I didn’t want to. I went on a retreat with a community of consecrated ladies in Rhode Island and I had an appointment set up with the Carmelite convent in New Haven, CT. to meet with the Mother Superior.
HOWEVER, two weeks after that special mass offering, the man who is now my incredible husband, Jim, walked into my place of employment. When I was introduced to him as a new co-worker, I didn’t think anything of it, but he said he knew almost right away that he would marry me. Jim had been in the seminary studying for the priesthood for 10 years previous to this. When he and his spiritual director came to the conclusion that he was not meant to be a priest, he experienced his own type of divorce.
He was in for a long haul if he wanted to date me, because I was convinced at that point that I was supposed to be a nun or consecrated woman! In the 7 months we worked together, we went from me not liking him very much at all 
, to the two of us becoming comfortable as co-workers, then to striking up a friendship and, finally, to me realizing that he was the one God had picked for me! And knowing he was THE one became as clear to me as that earlier message that I had to give God control of my dream.
None of this “giving up control to God” is easy for anyone. It takes a “supernatural attitude” that the world seems to tell us is nonsense. I know Jim is the one God meant for me and that God brought us together. The day we married was like night and day in comparison to my first marriage. When we took our vows, I had NO reservations, NO doubts. I was filled with joy.
I was obviously mistaken in thinking that God was asking me to become a nun. He simply wanted me to trust Him with that very important part of my life – my dreams for myself and my future. I had prayed for years that God would bring me a man who would not make fun of me for practicing my faith and that I alone would be good enough for him (no other women involved). When I finally gave my hopes and dreams to God, He gave me so much more than I ever could have asked for…
We now have 3 beautiful children, ages 4, 5 and 7, despite the conclusion of the doctors that I would never be able to conceive. Jim is a great father and wonderful husband who loves me and me alone. I could not have picked anyone better, which is why I’m so glad I let God pick him for me.
My point is to simply say:
- Trust God.
- Give Him the relationship(s) that have ended.
- Give Him your sorrow and loneliness.
- Grant Him access to your dream for happiness in the future and give Him full control.
He will not disappoint you!!
That story from a woman of great faith who has experienced the hell of divorce and came through a painful learning process to finally experience the amazing results of giving up her free will to God – is SO helpful. (sorry for the extra long sentence)
By the way, that’s Lisa Duffy’s story – one of the authors of Divorced. Catholic. Now What? - a book I HIGHLY recommend.
If you have a similar story or know of someone who does, please share it with us! If it’s not your own story, of course please ask permission first. I’ll be thrilled to put it in a future post.
Until next time…May God bless you and those you love.
Manya
Dating After Divorce – Giving Up Control
Posted by: | CommentsAnother beautiful autumn day in Colorado! This morning I played hooky and went for a 6 mile h
ike with my oldest daughter. We’re very spoiled in that we live in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains so great hikes abound right outside our door. We would have waited til this weekend to hike except for two things – snow is predicted AND the trees and bushes are turning color so fast that we might have missed it had we waited. I’m SO glad we didn’t wait. It was breathtakingly beautiful up the mountain. The pictures in this post were taken by my daughter.
Back to the subject at hand…
I received a Declaration of Nullity (annulment) almost exactly 2 years ago. I’ve been dating for 3 years. Yes…I started dating before I received an annulment.
Until very recently, I didn’t consider dating after being divorced and before receiving an annulment to be wrong. Yes, the thought had crossed my mind and it was logical to conclude that it WAS wrong. Why? Because even when you’re divorced, your marriage is still considered to be valid by the Catholic church until you receive a Declaration of Nullity. That means that in the eyes of the church, without an annulment, you’re still married. And we all know that it’s wrong to date while you’re married. I thought, “Come on..that’s going a bit too far” and dated anyway.
When I read the book Divorced. Catholic. Now What? I came to a better understanding of this. Actually, I already had a good understanding of it but now it was “in my face.” But I still didn’t listen. Yes, I read that book recently – after receiving an annulment, so what am I talking about? Well, I was dating a Catholic man at the time who hadn’t started the annulment process, so, obviously, his marriage had not been declared invalid by the church and, therefore, in the eyes of the church, he was still married. I didn’t want to stop dating him so I rationalized and dated anyway…still thinking, “Come on…that’s going a bit too far.” (Yes, it was my relationship with him that ended last week and started me thinking about and writing on this topic.)
Let’s go back in time a bit….
About a week after my divorce was final, I happened upon a Catholic singles’ site called CatholicMatch.com. I hadn’t been looking for such a site…it was actually advertised on the AOL homepage that day which surprised me to no end. And, strangely, I never saw it there again. I joined the site and remained an active member for most of the next 6 years! (Man, that’s a long time…kind of disheartening.)
For the first 4 years, I just wasn’t ready for a serious relationship but I wanted/needed to 
have a connection, and my membership definitely filled that need. I developed online friendships with some very good men over that time and those friendships kept me from being extremely lonely. I actually met only 4 men from there in person (I was very picky and cautious!). I went on to have serious relationships with 2 of those men, both of which ultimately “failed” (the relationships, not the men :0)). So, what’s the problem?!
Well, after this latest failed relationship, I have some thoughts about that.
I have spent my life trying to be in control of my life. Believing in God but not trusting him enough to hand my future over to him…completely and without strings attached. That’s something I’d heard about but it was a frightening concept and I wasn’t quite sure how to do it…and since I didn’t even try, I guess I just didn’t want to do it.
Here I am now…51 years old…one failed marriage…two failed relationships after that…hmmm. My control over my life hasn’t worked out in my favor, has it? And I’ve experienced more than enough heartache for any one life time. So I’m having some serious discussions with myself about what to do next.
Sigh.
My head is telling me to hand my life over to God – NOW! – FINALLY! And, guess what! That thought STILL frightens me and I’m still pulling back from it. Yet, I KNOW it’s what I have to do. Why? Because I’m failing miserably as the one in control. God knows what and who’s best for me so much better than I do. (Yes, I trust him. The scary part is wondering what his time table will be.) I heard a wonderful story recently from a woman who DID give up her life to God. The results were amazing and inspiring and exciting. God came through for her in ways she hadn’t even imagined…and miracles were involved in her story, too. I want that! Of course, it’s possible that God doesn’t have marriage in mind for me. I’m thinking that marriage with a man I love and respect is what I really want, however God may have a different path in mind for me that will actually result in greater happiness for me. I can’t imagine what, but then I don’t know the mind of God. If I give control to God, I need to be open to other possibilities. (this is scary)
So HOW exactly does a person give up control to God? I’m not quite sure. But I have some ideas (surprise surprise :0)).
First, of course, I need to tell God that my life is now completely and utterly HIS to do with as he sees fit. I won’t stand in his way. (Why is this so frightening?)
Second, I need to ask God to let me know, in NO uncertain terms, exactly what it is he wants me to do. I no longer trust myself so I really, really need for God to hit me over the head with his plans. If he decides that I should fall in love and marry, he’d better make that man painfully (no, not painfully, please)…let me rephrase that…he’d better make that man joyfully and EXTREMELY apparent to me. Actually, I’ve already asked God to give me a specific sign for if/when he sends that man. Since only God and I know what this sign is, I’ll probably faint if it ever actually happens. It’s nothing terribly out of the ordinary but just different enough that it would be a bit curious and very apparent to me. I’m pretty sure that God loves a good joke, so I think he’ll actually follow through with giving me this sign just for the pleasure of seeing the shocked look on my face (and then there’s the fainting part). Is it terrible of me to ask for such a sign? I don’t think so. God will make Mr. Right apparent to me in any way he chooses…this sign would just be very cool and fun.
Third…I’m not sure.
What do you think?
What does giving up control of your life to God look like to YOU?
I could really use some more perspectives on this, so please leave your comments. Also, if you have a personal story about having given up control of YOUR life to God, please share that with us.
Until next time, God bless you and your loved ones.
Manya
It just occurred to me that the only thing about my life with which I’m not content is the fact that I’m not in a relationship…one that I’m passionate about and thoroughly convinced is THE right one for both of us. I’m pretty happy with everything else. It suddenly seems a bit odd to me to be placing so much emphasis on this one area of my life. It’s one area, though, that has a profound impact on all other areas of a person’s life so I guess it calls for quite a bit of emphasis. Definitely food for thought….
