Divorced Catholic Moms » Grief

How to Cope When Your World is Torn Apart

Manya — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 16:33:54 +0000

Wow…it’s been a long time since I last wrote. I apologize for that.

I received a message recently from a reader that prompted me to come here to leave a post about what helped me through the hell that is divorce. I’ve written about this before here and here, but it bears repeating…and maybe something different will come through this time.

How do you cope…get through today…tomorrow…and all the days following…when your world has been torn apart by the one person you should have been able to depend upon to protect you and keep you from such pain? It’s a betrayal that hurts like no other. On top of that, it changes everything about your future…and it hurts your children. How do you cope with all of THAT…and continue to do all the things you need to do each day….and help your children to cope, too?

Yes, it seems an impossible task but it isn’t. I can say that with certainty because I’ve been there. No, the circumstances of my divorce and life are not the same as yours…..and I can’t say exactly what will help YOU to cope…all I can do is tell you what helped me during those very dark days and hope that something in my list will help you.

St. John’s Wort – I hear it doesn’t work for everyone but it was amazing in my case. I started taking them when I hit bottom and truly felt that I was sinking into depression. I didn’t want to take drugs if I could avoid them, so I tried St. John’s Wort first. Gradually, as I was feeling better about life and moving past the actual divorce proceedings, I cut down on how much I was taking, a little at a time. If I was still feeling strong after cutting back…then I’d cut back a little more. Sometimes, though, I hit rough patches and increased the amount I took again to get me through it. Eventually, I was able to stop taking it altogether. My children also took St. John’s Wort when they needed it. Note, though, that it takes a few weeks to build up in your system and truly start to make a difference, so if you decide to try it…give it a chance to get to that point. Disclaimer: This is simply what worked for me. Take your own body and health into consideration before deciding if this might be good for you..or not good for you. I don’t know if St. John’s Wort might be dangerous in certain situations or not…

Exercise regularly – again, the effect this had on my mental state was AMAZING. To say nothing of the physical health benefits. I was fortunate to be able to go to the gym each morning at that time. I’d stay for almost 2 hours most of the time…getting in some aerobic exercise on the treadmills and such…then some weight lifting…then, when I had time, a swim and sauna. By the end of that, even if I’d been terribly down when I walked into the gym and had to force myself to go, I was actually feeling upbeat and hopeful! It stunned me time and again.
Exercise DVDs are also pretty awesome. My favorite is Leslie Sansone and her walking DVDs. I work at a computer all day every day and popping a DVD into it and completing one of her 15, 20 or 30 minute routines is about as practical and efficient as it gets!
Eat well – get the best nutrition you can. Like exercise, it will help! Our bodies and our minds are connected..what affects one will affect the other. I didn’t know about her at the time I was going through hell, but I highly recommend The Green Smoothie Girl. Green smoothies take some getting used to but they’re very powerful nutrition. She also has a 12 month program to lead you to eating more whole foods (and get away from processed foods) that I love. I haven’t yet completed it, simply because I get lazy, but, in my opinion, it’s a great program and her blog is a good place to go to learn about good nutrition.
Pamper yourself – with little things on a regular basis. I would buy myself a bar of soap at Crabtree & Evelyn or a special chocolate bar from Germany. Little extravagances that made me feel good. Priceless.
Grieve – yes, allow yourself to grieve. This is important. Don’t try to pretend that you don’t need to. Don’t tell yourself that you’ll be stronger if you don’t give in and cry. Don’t even tell yourself that your children should never see you grieving. I don’t think it’d be a good idea to grieve a lot or regularly in front of your children…but I think it might actually be a good thing for them to know that Mom is sad and in pain over the separation and divorce and it’s okay to cry and be upset. I remember wearing sunglasses almost all the time for a while because it seemed I was constantly tearing up. The slightest thing would get me going and I could hide it fairly well behind sunglasses. I caution you, though, to not go to the other extreme and allow yourself to wallow in grief. This would not be good for anyone. Be human but don’t be a victim. Some find it useful to give themselves a time limit and actually schedule times during which they grieve.
Pray – even if you’re angry with God. I was very angry with God for what felt like a long time. I felt betrayed by Him, too, because here I was praying and praying for my marriage to be healed and things only got worse. Didn’t He want my marriage to stay intact?! Where was He?!!! I reached a point where I actually did stop praying…it felt useless. Now, though, I can see that He was there all along with us but He wasn’t doing what I wanted Him to do. He wasn’t answering the prayers I was praying. I should have been praying differently. Instead of asking him to change my husband (remember that “free will” stuff? I was asking God to cast that aside where my husband was concerned.). I should have been asking Him for strength..wisdom…understanding…perseverance…hope….patience. In short, I should have been asking Him to help me to cope with the circumstances as they were. I also should have been working at turning all control over to God and asking Him to help me to do that. Don’t forget to ask for help specifically from the Holy Spirit, too. Also, continue to practice your faith (i.e. go to mass and confession…go to adoration if it’s available to you). I just went through the motions here for over a year (it was probably more like 3 years). I did this because I had young children and I didn’t want to damage their faith. Lo and behold…after simply going thru the motions, my faith eventually returned to me full force..and then some.
Support system – I hope you have a good support system of close friends and family. If you do, please take them up on their offers to help. They WANT to help and you NEED their help. You’re not imposing on them when you say yes to their bringing dinner over…or taking you out…or letting them babysit while you get away for a while…or you let them listen to you vent (time and again). And don’t hesitate to ask for their help. Don’t get carried away with this, of course, but don’t go to the other extreme of saying, “No thank you” or “I’m fine…I can handle it” all the time, either. We need to let others help us through these challenges in life…and, in turn, to help others when they’re going through their challenges.
Live someone else’s life for a little while, through movies and books. Watch movies that make you feel good. Sometimes watch movies that make you cry- it’s a great way to give yourself permission to cry. Read books (I love to listen to books when I exercise).

That’s my list…what is yours? Let us know what really helps you. It might be something that will help someone else.

May God bless you and bring you peace.

Manya

Courage

Manya — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 15:11:24 +0000

We’re half way through Lent! I hope it’s going well for you and good lessons are being learned, strength being gained and blessings realized….and courage being gained.

I came across this article about Stanislawa Leczynska – midwife at Auschwitz. It is, of course, difficult to read of the horrors she and others experienced, but it’s also inspiring. I encourage you to read it. This woman will most probably be declared a saint one day.

I wonder if, under similar circumstances, I would be able to work as hard and be as brave. I pray that I would…and that we all would.

We don’t hear stories like this often enough but I’ll bet they take place daily all over the world, by people of every faith…and even of no faith. If/when you come across one, please share it by leaving a comment here.

God please bring us peace…and courage.

Manya

Getting Through the Really Bad Days

Manya — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 15:00:07 +0000

We all have bad days…especially those who have experienced the hell of being deeply hurt by another person to the point of having their lives changed drastically in a most painful way. Those of us who have gone through separation and divorce fall into this category. (our children fall into this category, too)

When in the middle of separation and divorce, pretty much every day is a bad day. As time and understanding put distance between today and the hell of “back then,” you will have more good days than bad…but, for various reasons, bad days still happen on occasion.

Lisa Duffy shared her thoughts on ways to get through the bad days that inevitably crop up.

5 Secrets for Getting Through a Bad Day

I hope this helps!

God bless you and bring you peace.

Manya

Christmas Can Be Painful for Divorced Catholics

Manya — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 20:20:36 +0000

: Image via Wikipedia

Just a quick note to wish you all a very, merry Christmas. This can be a very difficult time of year for those going through separation and divorce as well as for those who have been divorced for a while but who find that this time of year can magnify feelings of loneliness and loss. And if this is the year when your spouse gets to spend Christmas day with your children….well, enough said. That’s just even harder.

I wish you all faith that grows stronger now and into the new year. For this is the key to the speediest and most complete, deep down recovery from the pain, fear and changes that are brought about by divorce. If you find that your faith is weak right now because of the divorce, please hang in there and “fake it til you make it.” This is exactly what happened to me but I kept practicing my faith and trying to pray…and my faith eventually returned stronger than ever. And I became stronger than ever as a result.

Also…I’ve highly recommended this so many times and in so many places, but please bear with me while I recommend it again….go to www.DivorcedCatholic.com and join the site (it’s free!) and then become active on the forum. It’s a great place to talk with others who understand what you’re going through and this is VERY healing. It’s quite a gift from the authors of Divorced. Catholic. Now What? – Lisa Duffy and Vince Frese. Please take advantage of it being there for you.

God bless you and your children and bring you peace!

And MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Manya

By the way..I’ve decided to start off the year by going through the process of total consecration to Jesus through Mary. This entails daily prayers and readings for approx. 30 days (if you go through the entire process). I plan to give more info here but if you want info now, go HERE. I also purchased the book that is recommended for this, but they say it’s not necessary to have. Greg & Jennifer Willits of The Rosary Army have made all the prayers available on their site and you can even download the audio prayers to your iPod! I’ll be starting on Dec. 31st…perhaps we could go through this together.

Separation & Divorce – The Grieving Process

Manya — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 20:16:04 +0000

: Image via Wikipedia

The death of a marriage is very very similar to the death of a loved one. In some ways, it can be worse (in my opinion).

For me, the death of my husband’s love for me and the subsequent destruction of our marriage was the worst thing I’d ever experienced. The extenuating circumstances, of course, have a lot to do with the level of pain involved.

As I went through separation and divorce, I felt, and still feel, that the only pain that could have been worse would have been the death of one of my children.

From the time my marriage was dealt the first really destructive blow until the day the divorce was final was a period of 2 1/2 years. That was a time of intense pain, disappointment, fear, panic, denial, hope (occasionally), strength… and weakness.

For well over a year, I cried at least once every day…but it was usually more than once. Up until that point, I had cried maybe once every 5 years, if that! In other words, I’m not a crier by nature, so this was way out of character for me and it was horrid.

What would make the tears start?

a thought – a memory
a song playing in the background at the grocery store
the sight of couples
the sight of families with both a mom AND a dad
a thought – a memory
a commercial on tv
thoughts and memories!

How do you work towards making the crying stop?

stop dwelling on things that upset you! This takes practice. When you realize what’s happening, stop and forcefully tell yourself, “Stop thinking about it. This is not helping.”
say a prayer for help – especially ask for help from the Holy Spirit. Strength is His specialty!
let time take its course and know that it will work its magic
whenever you can, do things that make you happy
spend time with friends and family
watch movies with happy endings!
watch funny movies! laughter heals…
focus on your children
take the time you need to grieve but don’t allow yourself to dwell on grieving! Some people find that giving themselves a set amount of time during the day to grieve helps. Try it.

The other thing that was really difficult to handle during that time was simply the act of waking up in the morning and realizing that, oh yeah, I’m living in a nightmare…

Separation and divorce are HARD! It’s a huge loss of not only your current love and life but your plans and dreams for the future and even the memories of your past because they become a source of pain. And, of course, it’s a huge loss of innocence for our children. They also go through a terribly frightening time over which they have NO control.

Quite often, the spouse who is left is also the parent who remains with the children. This is a blessing as well as an added difficulty. Here we are dealing with horrendous feelings of betrayal and trying to cope with our losses…and we need to push that aside as much as is humanly possible and help our children to cope with the situation and try to understand what they’re dealing with and not really being able to fully understand that. And try to figure out how best to help them. Of course, also quite often, the father is forced to leave the house even if he’s not the one who wants the marriage to end. Then, he finds himself not only without his marriage and home but without his children! That is truly a tragedy and these fathers, especially, need our prayers.

For over a year I was virtually a zombie going through the motions of surviving and helping my children to survive while TRYING to move forward into a new future that we were all being forced into. It was truly living in hell.

But there’s strength in you that you can (and must) tap into. I look back on those years and marvel at what I was able to accomplish while seemingly running on autopilot. And that’s a source of pride for me (I know…pride is a vice but everything in moderation, right? )

Knowing that I could function (and function well) under such terribly difficult circumstances has opened my eyes and made me so much stronger. I absolutely know that I can handle anything that life throws at me and come through it okay. That knowledge is a gift from God.

For those of you who are currently experiencing separation and divorce, please know that you, too, will come through it and know happiness again. During this time, don’t hesitate to depend upon friends and family who are offering their help. Let them bring you meals, or take you out or take care of the kids so you can have some time to yourself or loan you money or listen to you as you rant and rave and cry for the umpteen millionth time or….whatever. They WANT to help and your letting them do so makes them feel good AND it helps YOU and your children immensely.

IF you’re not near family and friends who can help, join a group for divorced and separated Catholics. (even if you DO have friends and family nearby, this is a good idea) Hopefully, your parish or a parish nearby has such a group. There are also groups online that can be very helpful (THIS one comes to mind! Feel free to leave comments or contact me through my email at the bottom of the left hand column if you’d like. Actually, this post is the result of a comment left on another post.) Sometimes simply having a place to vent and people who let you know that you’re not the only one going through this is SO helpful.

Know that you DO have the strength to get through this. Lean on your faith, your loved ones, and your inner strength. It IS there.

Know that your children WILL be all right in the end. Just keep loving them and don’t, under ANY circumstances, spend time telling them how awful their other parent is…that may make you feel good in a particular moment but it will hurt your children. If there’s reason to physically or emotionally protect your children from their other parent, then, by all means, do that but there’s still no reason to tell them that their other parent is a low life. Explain whatever is absolutely necessary to explain to them with great gentleness and caring – not vindictiveness against your spouse. Tell them that their other parent is going through a difficult time and is making (or has made) some poor decisions. Ask them to pray for their other parent. And explain to them what needs to be done or avoided in order to protect yourself and/or them at this time (but only if there’s truly a need to protect yourselves from your spouse). And be sure to get the help that you need according to your particular situation. In other words, take the high road (have integrity) at all times. It might be hard right now but you’ll be so glad you did and the benefits are great. (that was off topic but I felt it was important to talk about….)

Just this week the following website was brought to my attention – www.catholictherapist.com . You can go there and, hopefully, find a Catholic therapist in your area!

One last thought to leave you with….my divorce was final almost 7 years ago. I still experience the rare moment when I grieve over what happened and even have a few tears come. However, I AM happy again. I can honestly say that life is good! My children are doing remarkably well and I have hope for all of our futures. I thank God for that and I know without a doubt that my faith, even though it was very weak for a while back then, is what got me through hell and into joy again.

May God bless you and bring you peace!

Manya