My mother. 1922 - 2010

The reason I’m writing this particular post is to let you know that my family has had a sad loss recently.  My mother died one week ago today.  She was 88.  She is missed by my dad (who is 89…they were married for 68 years!!!), 5 of their 6 children (one of my sisters died of cancer over 20 years ago and I’m sure she’s delighted to be with Mom again ), and over 50 grandchildren and great grandchildren!!

A testament to my mom was the fact that over 20 of her grandchildren came from far and wide to be at her funeral. That surprised and delighted me…and made for one very full house for most of last week…and happily so.  It was the perfect example of that old saying, “When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window.”  What I mean is…as sad as it was to lose my mother, it was wonderful to spend time with my siblings and their children…and their children’s children.  As a result, we’re now planning a family reunion!

If you would…I ask that you keep my parents in your prayers.  My father is doing better than I ever imagined he would but, of course, after over 68 years together, he misses my mother terribly.

God bless you and bring you peace.

Manya

We are pleased to announce the Journey of Hope Radio show on BlogTalkRadio.Com beginning Wednesday, June 30th, 2010 at 9:00AM EST!

There is a great need for an ongoing discussion regarding the challenges divorced Catholic men and women face, and through this program we hope to engage our distinguished guests and listeners in an informative and supportive conversation. Our goal is to provide you with accurate information and support as you deal with the process and aftermath of divorce.

Our first guest will be Fr. Thomas Williams, LC, back by popular demand from his appearance as Keynote Speaker at the Journey of Hope 2010 Conference last February. Fr. Thomas, Vince, and I will be eager to take your calls! The call-in number for the show is 1(347)989-1231.

Perhaps the best part about the show is that it is recorded, so if you are unable to listen live you can always visit our show page at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/journeyofhoperadio and listen to the recorded podcast!

We ask for your prayers for the success of the program and look forward to taking your calls on June 30th at 9:00am EST!

Sincerely,
Lisa Duffy, DivorcedCatholic.Org

Be sure to put this on your calendar and listen. It’s going to be good!  Actually, go to the blog talk radio link and you can have them send you a reminder in any of four different ways! Too cool.  Also, remember that if you can’t listen live, you can access the recording afterwards.

May God bless and bring you peace,
Manya

Anyway…she had this very cool video posted on her site.  It recorded the passage of a year from the same spot.  I love those pictures you see now and then that are a series of 4 photos taken from the same spot – one photo/season.  This is the same thing only it’s a video.

You might wonder why I sometimes post things that have nothing to do with divorce and Catholics. Well…I take a holistic approach to life which doesn’t allow for compartmentalization…you know, that practice of putting different pieces of your life in separate compartments that are supposedly distinct from each other. That just doesn’t make sense to me. So, I throw in tidbits of “other things” now and then just for the pure joy of it. This world of ours is a beautiful and mysterious place (thank you, Lord, for the endless mysteries you’ve blessed us with. They’re the spice of life – in my opinion.)

Anyway…what it comes down to is…I want to share bits of beauty with you. When you’re experiencing separation and divorce, the world can look very bleak. I hope these “tidbits” help to remind you that the beautiful and amazing world, and it’s beautiful and amazing people, are still out there and waiting for you to rediscover them.

Enjoy!

May God bless you and bring you peace,
Manya

Just a quick note to wish you all a very, merry Christmas.  This can be a very difficult time of year for those going through separation and divorce as well as for those who have been divorced for a while but who find that this time of year can magnify feelings of loneliness and loss.  And if this is the year when your spouse gets to spend Christmas day with your children….well, enough said.  That’s just even harder.

I wish you all faith that grows stronger now and into the new year.  For this is the key to the speediest and most complete, deep down recovery from the pain, fear and changes that are brought about by divorce.  If you find that your faith is weak right now because of the divorce, please hang in there and “fake it til you make it.”  This is exactly what happened to me but I kept practicing my faith and trying to pray…and my faith eventually returned stronger than ever.  And I became stronger than ever as a result.

Also…I’ve highly recommended this so many times and in so many places, but please bear with me while I recommend it again….go to www.DivorcedCatholic.com and join the site (it’s free!) and then become active on the forum.  It’s a great place to talk with others who understand what you’re going through and this is VERY healing.  It’s quite a gift from the authors of Divorced. Catholic. Now What? – Lisa Duffy and Vince Frese.  Please take advantage of it being there for you.

God bless you and your children and bring you peace!

And MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Manya

By the way..I’ve decided to start off the year by going through the process of total consecration to Jesus through Mary.  This entails daily prayers and readings for approx. 30 days (if you go through the entire process).  I plan to give more info here but if you want info now, go HERE.  I also purchased the book that is recommended for this, but they say it’s not necessary to have.  Greg & Jennifer Willits of The Rosary Army have made all the prayers available on their site and you can even download the audio prayers to your iPod!  I’ll be starting on Dec. 31st…perhaps we could go through this together.

Please take 9 minutes to watch this video.  It has something profound to say about our relationships with our children as well as about the Catholic view of the human body and sex.  ( hint:  they’re both from God and, therefore, VERY good…when God is kept in the picture!)

As Catholics, we weren’t (or shouldn’t have been) brought up to believe the human body and sex are “bad” and the source of evil and sin.  Unfortunately, though, it seems that the majority of people, both Catholics and non-Catholics, are under the impression that that’s the Catholic view.  Nothing could be further from the truth!

Have you read Pope John Paul II’s writings regarding sex?  I haven’t, I’m sorry to say, but I HAVE read what Christopher West wrote in Theology of the Body for Beginners which is based on the writings of John Paul II.  I highly recommend this book for adults and, also, young adults.

In a nutshell – Catholics believe that sex between spouses is GOOD and an integral part of marriage.  Pope John Paul II even said that sex is holy!   Within marriage and as a way of bonding with your spouse in the most loving way imaginable – wanting only what is best for each other and NOT using each other for lustful purposes – sex is amazing, fulfilling, good and enjoyable.  Of course!  It is truly giving yourself completely to another person – the person you love and have committed yourself to for life.  And when that person is doing the same – loves you with all their heart, has committed his/her life to you and wants to show you that love – well, I don’t think it can get much better than that.  THIS is what the Catholic faith teaches and believes!

I haven’t yet read Christopher West’s newest book,  Heaven’s Song: Sexual Love As It Was Meant To Be .  It covers the  “‘hidden’ talks of John Paul II’s Theology of the Body.”  JPII deemed these talks “too delicate to be delivered in St. Peter’s Square.”  I think he was concerned that his words would be taken out of context and misunderstood, as is SO easily done with this topic – especially by the media.  (see the links in my P.S. at the end of this post for a great example)

As divorced Catholics, I’d venture to guess that most of us did not experience the wonders of sexual love in our marriages as God meant it to be.  If we had, I’m pretty sure that our marriages would not have fallen apart.  I’m not saying that a good marriage is based primarily on a couple’s sexual relationship, but that the physical relationship is intimately connected to the emotional relationship.  I pray that we will all be blessed with the chance to experience love and marriages that are truly from God.  And that we all are blessed with the wisdom, patience  and faith we need in order to choose wisely and live our beliefs (i.e. pursue an annulment before pursuing a relationship…keep sexual love for and within marriage…and give control to God so that this road will ultimately be easier and more joyful).

I’m afraid that I’m starting to ramble now, so I’ll stop. 

God bless and bring you peace…and may the Holy  Spirit guide us always.

Manya

P.S. Kind of flabbergasted by Christopher West’s ABC interview – http://tinyurl.com/CWestABCinterview

I have very mixed feelings about some of the things Christopher West said and how he said them, but it is obvious that ABC manipulated his words and, beyond that, they refer to him as a sex therapist…where did THAT come from?!  Also, this interview was boiled down from being hours long to lasting only a few minutes.  Of course, there will be distortion and much taken out of context.  At any rate, if you get a chance to watch the interview and read the comments (post-interview) from Theology of the Body, please let me know your point of view.

Post-interview comments here http://tinyurl.com/poyza2.

watch?v=gqRKvNX4IKU&rel=0&color1=0×6699&color2=0x54abd6&hl=en&feature=player_embedded&fs=1

Wishing you a wonderful and blessed Holy Week!

What Easter/Holy Week traditions do you have?  I attended the Holy Thursday service for the first time in my life last year!  I plan to attend it again this year.  I think afterwards, I’ll watch The Passion ( a great movie for bringing Christ’s passion to life).  Friday I’ll take off from work. For years I’ve been wanting to go to the midnight mass on the eve of Easter but we just don’t manage to stay up late enough.  Maybe this year….  I hear it’s beautiful.

My exhusband’s family are Russian so for the past 20 years I’ve been making Paska during Easter week.  Mmmm….  His mother taught me how to make it the first Easter after we married.    It doesn’t quite look like the picture here because it’s actually baked in a coffee can…so it’s tall and cylindrical.  But it IS covered with icing and sprinkles.   This year, my oldest daughter plans to make them.    I love the passing on of traditions!

God bless all of us this week and bring us closer to Him during this, the holiest week of the year.

Manya

My poor father. There were many times over the last several weeks when I thought he had simply given up trying, which made me resentful.  It hasn’t been easy to take care of my children, my business AND my parents (and myself now and then).   And I wasn’t alone in taking care of them.  My brother, his wife, our sister and I took turns helping out.   All of that was much easier, though, when we thought Dad was working towards being able to walk again – when HE was helping, too.  However, when it seemed he had given up and wasn’t interested in getting stronger, it became very difficult to help him and to not be openly angry with him.  Now that I know the severe pain he must have been in, I feel very badly about all those thoughts I had!

I started out this post with the intention of simply explaining why new posts have been few and far between. But as I wrote, I realized that comparisons can be made between physical breaks, emotional breaks and the healing process.

Hidden breaks in our relationships…

For how long was the break in your marriage hidden from view? For how long did you try to go on as if everything was “normal,” maybe even working on your relationship but thinking that nothing was truly wrong (broken)?   Did your gut try to warn you just how wrong things were?

It’s very much like the proverbial elephant in the room that everyone tries to ignore.

The big thing about breaks of any sort is that in order for them to heal, all parties involved need to commit to work on fixing them. In my dad’s case, he was trying to get better but the doctors weren’t doing their parts…so the exercise and walking practice that my dad was doing wasn’t helping him (it was actually causing more damage).

In the case of a broken marriage, both spouses need to be genuinely committed to healing the relationship or healing won’t take place. And more damage (emotional) can be done to both spouses when one of them truly is not trying but continues to play games, do more damage or ignores the whole situation.

My husband and I had our problems and they came on and grew worse gradually over the years. For a long time we ignored the existence of these problems.  I admit that I took my marriage and my husband horribly for granted.  I viewed marriage as being a lifelong commitment – for better or for worse – which made me complacent.  I felt that our problems could be worked out ‘later’…at a more convenient time.  Afterall, I had children to raise and that was taking all my energy and focus.  I was wrong to take my husband and marriage for granted AND for putting almost all of my focus on our children.  An equal or even greater focus should have been on my husband and marriage.  If that relationship had been healthy and nurtured, our children would have been better served in the long run.  I’m very sorry to say that I couldn’t see that at the time.

My husband, for his part, didn’t communicate his deep sadness to me. When finally it came to light, I was stunned.  By then, though, it was too late.  He had moved on.  We eventually went through counseling (three different counselors) and even participated in a Retrouvaille weekend.  All that didn’t stand a chance of helping us, though, because my husband wasn’t genuinely interested in healing our marriage.  He was convinced that too much damage had been done and I’d never be able to forgive, forget and trust again.  Perhaps he didn’t think that HE could forgive, forget and trust again.  Perhaps he was right, but we’ll never know because an honest effort was never made by both of us together.

I did all I could to try to keep us together and that knowledge helped me to be able to move on after I realized nothing more could be done. I was fighting a losing battle.  I’m sure I could have done better but the fact is, I did what I could at the time – as flawed as that might have been. I don’t have any feelings of guilt regarding that time in our lives/marriage.  I DO have feelings of guilt regarding my part in leading us to that horrible break.  The things I did were out of stupidity and I’ve forgiven myself for that…still, I do regret not having been more wise back then.

So how to heal after the break is recognized and acknowledged and not healed?

It takes time and work and perseverance and a willingness to experience the pain. You need to resolve yourself to work THROUGH the pain (because there will be lots of it but it will decrease over time).

My dad had surgery yesterday. The break has now been fixed and recovery lies before him.  They will probably have him on his feet today, which will be difficult and painful for him.  The pain will get worse before it gets better…but it won’t get better at all if he doesn’t embrace it and work right on through it – in spite of it.  He will probably never again walk without a limp…that damage has been done and can’t be ignored…but he WILL walk.  And that’s a glorious thing to look forward to!  There’s hope and that’s everything.

It’s just the same for healing from the emotional pain of a relationship that died or was destroyed. No matter what the damage, you CAN heal from it.  There will always be scars and regrets but you will learn to live with them and they will become less noticeable with time.  You will also learn to ignore them.  And you have hope, too.  Life WILL be better and you will know happiness again.

ALL of the above healing, of course, will be made easier when you invite God into the process. Ask for His help.  The very wise go beyond that, though, and ask God to LEAD through the pain and out the other side.  God has been there.  Remember, he became human like us.  He knows what real pain is and what it feels like to experience it and get through it.  Chances are that any pain we feel, physical or emotional, has been felt by God and in much greater quantities.  He understands.

God bless and bring you peace,

Manya

Image by karin! via Flickr

The following message comes from the TOB newsletter that I received just a few minutes ago.  I highly recommend that you go to the Theology of the Body Institute to see the info there and to sign up to receive their monthly newsletters!

Redeeming Valentine’s Day
A Message From Christopher West

I once heard it said that more “legal prostitution” takes place on Valentine’s Day than any other day of the year.  It was a reference to the idea that, on this insecurity-inducing day, couples around the world basically exchange chocolates, romantic dinners, diamonds, and other gifts for sex.  Men and women, it seems, will go to great lengths to save themselves from the loneliness that creeps up when all the red hearts and romantic songs replace Christmas decorations and Christmas carols. It seems we all wonder at times, “Am I really loved, or do I have to buy his or her attention with something?”

This makes Valentine’s Day an annual event ripe for redemption, ripe for John Paul II’s Theology of the Body.

The fact that we set a day aside each year to celebrate romantic love points to the importance we all place on it, and rightly so.  The love of man and woman is what makes the world go around.  When the love of man and woman ceases, so does the human race itself.  And it’s precisely because it’s so important, so valuable, that it has become so terribly distorted by the enemy.  The devil is not creative. He cannot create his own parallel universe of raw evil. All he can do is take what God created to be true, good, and beautiful and twist it; distort it. This means that behind every temptation the father of lies uses to lead us away from God, we will find something that God created to lead us to him. And behind every distorted desire in our own hearts that lures us away from God, we can discover a God-given desire that will lead us to him.

So, Valentine’s Day can become, if we allow it, an opportunity to celebrate the love we all really long for, the love of Christ for the Church, of which man and woman’s love is a mere shadow.  We needn’t prostitute ourselves to know we are loved.  We needn’t spend lots of money.  We, ourselves, have been purchased at a high price.  Thank you, Lord Jesus.

Just a thought — this Valentine’s Day, share what you have learned of John Paul II’s Theology of the Body with someone who needs to hear it.

Blessings,
Christopher West

———————————————————————-

Have a wonderful St. Valentine’s Day.  It really is NOT necessary to be a part of a couple in order to do so.  There are plenty of other kinds of love to experience – love of your children, your parents, your siblings, your friends. strangers who could use a smile, kind word or a hand and, last but not least, yourself!

May God bless and bring you peace!

Manya

The hours until Christmas are being tracked by my youngest.  :0)  Gotta love it.

Our tradition is to open gifts from family and friends on Christmas Eve (this is how I was brought up) and then wake up to find gifts from Santa on Christmas morning.

I’m not sure yet which Christmas mass we’ll be going to.  I love the idea of midnight mass on Christmas Eve (which is actually going to be held at midnight this year!  Yes, in years past, the “midnight” mass has been held at 10:30….go figure.)  However, actually staying awake until then is not an easy thing for me.  (I’m not a night owl this time of year.)  We DID go to the “midnight” mass at least once in the recent past and we all enjoyed it immensely.  The choir was amazing and, if I remember correctly, the lights were dimmed, which I just love.

Whatever YOUR tradtions are, I hope that you all have a wonderful and blessed Christmas!

Try to relax, simplify and focus on simply enjoying the company of those you love.  The decorations and food don’t have to be “perfect”…that’s not what’s most important.  Make memories of BEING together.

If this is the year when your children spend Christmas day with your ex-spouse, chances are that  it’ll be a difficult day for you.   I do hope, if that’s the case, that you’ll be spending the day with friends and extended family or, perhaps. making new friends/family by helping out at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen.   Then, celebrate Christmas with your children either before or after the actual day!

If you have some great suggestions for how to spend a Christmas day away from your children, please share it with all of us by leaving a comment.  That would be a lovely gift.

May God bless you and those you love!!

Merry Christmas!

Manya

Tomorrow, my second oldest graduates from college! That just amazes me. I swear it seems like yesterday…well, okay….a couple years ago :0)….that I graduated from college. How could it possibly have been 27 years ago?!  And how could I have two children at that point in their lives! (My oldest graduated last year.)

Funny how memories can remain so fresh.

I met my husband (ex-husband) in college. He was a sophomore and I was a junior. We lived on the same floor of the dorm. Yep…it was a very progressive college. I had no idea the dorms were coed until the day I moved in. I don’t know how my parents and I managed to miss that little detail…

Anyway, I think a couple months went by before he and I met. I still vividly remember the first time I saw him. I was sitting on my bed and the door to the room was open.Strangely enough, my roommate and I were having a conversation about the type of men we wanted to marry. Then he walked by and I was taken by his looks and the way he was dressed and how he was walking with purpose (he was on his way to class and probably didn’t have a second to spare). He was handsome and he wore dark brown corduroy pants with a matching vest and a brown plaid, long sleeved shirt.  And he carried an umbrella!  He looked rather professorial and I liked that.

We started dating a few months later and were an ‘item’ for the next couple of years. We had some rough spots in our courtship (which originated with me, truth be told) but after 5 years of dating, we married. We had originally planned to marry the year before we actually did but just 2 months before the wedding, we called it off.  It simply didn’t feel ‘right’ to either of us…but we never really discussed it.  So strange to not have talked about it. (and to not have acknowledged the huge red flags waving)

We continued to see each other…I dated another man briefly but was drawn back to him.  We had been dating so long and we got along well and were very comfortable with each other. So we got married the next year.

I know, I know….those are not the best reasons for two people to get married. We were young and idealistic (“everything will turn out well”).  Mostly, though, I believe that each of us was afraid of being alone and of starting over again in new relationships. It seemed easier in our minds to simply marry each other…

I can look back now over our years together and see clearly the part I played in the downfall of our marriage and how everything fell apart and why.  Through our separation and divorce, though, I was too angry and hurt to see things clearly or to take on any blame.  Time and going through the annulment process (and being honest with myself) helped to open my eyes.  This is just one reason why I encourage divorced Catholics to go through the process – when they’re ready to.

So, my second oldest is starting a new phase of her life tomorrow.   I’m almost envious and almost wish I could return to that time of limitless possibilities stretched out before me.  But then again…I’m glad all that is behind me.  I’m enjoying THIS phase of my life and the results of all the growth I’ve done over the years and all the experiences I’ve had.  There was good and there was bad but each went into making me who I am today. I”m definitely older, wiser and more confident.  I have regrets – most definitely – but I”m happy.

I wish a wonderful, exciting, interesting, happy, fulfilling life to my daughter. I pray that she is wiser at her age than her mother and father were.  And I pray that she never experiences a failed marriage.   (Actually, she’s already experienced a failed marriage, as have all my children.  So, I pray that they never experience the failure of another marriage – their own.)

Whatever comes her way, though, and whatever results from decisions she and those she loves makes – I know everything WILL turn out well…

May God bless you and those you love with the very best of Christmases and may He help you to make the new year an amazing one!

Manya