I received a message recently from a reader that prompted me to come here to leave a post about what helped me through the hell that is divorce.  I’ve written about this before here and here, but it bears repeating…and maybe something different will come through this time.

How do you cope…get through today…tomorrow…and all the days following…when your world has been torn apart by the one person you should have been able to depend upon to protect you and keep you from such pain? It’s a betrayal that hurts like no other.  On top of that, it changes everything about your future…and it hurts your children.  How do you cope with all of THAT…and continue to do all the things you need to do each day….and help your children to cope, too?

Yes, it seems an impossible task but it isn’t.  I can say that with certainty because I’ve been there.  No, the circumstances of my divorce and life are not the same as yours…..and I can’t say exactly what will help YOU to cope…all I can do is tell you what helped me during those very dark days and hope that something in my list will help you.

1. St. John’s Wort – I hear it doesn’t work for everyone but it was amazing in my case.  I started taking them when I hit bottom and truly felt that I was sinking into depression.  I didn’t want to take drugs if I could avoid them, so I tried St. John’s Wort first.  Gradually, as I was feeling better about life and moving past the actual divorce proceedings, I cut down on how much I was taking, a little at a time.  If I was still feeling strong after cutting back…then I’d cut back a little more.  Sometimes, though, I hit rough patches and increased the amount I took again to get me through it.  Eventually, I was able to stop taking it altogether.  My children also took St. John’s Wort when they needed it.  Note, though, that it takes a few weeks to build up in your system and truly start to make a difference, so if you decide to try it…give it a chance to get to that point. Disclaimer:  This is simply what worked for me.  Take your own body and health into consideration before deciding if this might be good for you..or not good for you.  I don’t know if St. John’s Wort might be dangerous in certain situations or not…

2. Exercise regularly – again, the effect this had on my mental state was AMAZING. To say nothing of the physical health benefits.  I was fortunate to be able to go to the gym each morning at that time.  I’d stay for almost 2 hours most of the time…getting in some aerobic exercise on the treadmills and such…then some weight lifting…then, when I had time, a swim and sauna.  By the end of that, even if I’d been terribly down when I walked into the gym and had to force myself to go, I was actually feeling upbeat and hopeful!  It stunned me time and again.
   Exercise DVDs are also pretty awesome.  My favorite is Leslie Sansone and her walking DVDs.  I work at a computer all day every day and popping a DVD into it and completing one of her 15, 20 or 30 minute routines is about as practical and efficient as it gets!
   

3. Eat well – get the best nutrition you can.  Like exercise, it will help!  Our bodies and our minds are connected..what affects one will affect the other.  I didn’t know about her at the time I was going through hell, but I highly recommend The Green Smoothie Girl.  Green smoothies take some getting used to but they’re very powerful nutrition.  She also has a 12 month program to lead you to eating more whole foods (and get away from processed foods) that I love.  I haven’t yet completed it, simply because I get lazy, but, in my opinion, it’s a great program and her blog is a good place to go to learn about good nutrition.
   

4. Pamper yourself – with little things on a regular basis.  I would buy myself a bar of soap at Crabtree & Evelyn or a special chocolate bar from Germany.  Little extravagances that made me feel good. Priceless.
   

5. Grieve – yes, allow yourself to grieve.  This is important.  Don’t try to pretend that you don’t need to.  Don’t tell yourself that you’ll be stronger if you don’t give in and cry.  Don’t even tell yourself that your children should never see you grieving.  I don’t think it’d be a good idea to grieve a lot or regularly in front of your children…but I think it might actually be a good thing for them to know that Mom is sad and in pain over the separation and divorce and it’s okay to cry and be upset.  I remember wearing sunglasses almost all the time for a while because it seemed I was constantly tearing up.  The slightest thing would get me going and I could hide it fairly well behind sunglasses.  I caution you, though, to not go to the other extreme and allow yourself to wallow in grief.  This would not be good for anyone.  Be human but don’t be a victim.  Some find it useful to give themselves a time limit and actually schedule times during which they grieve.
   

6. Pray – even if you’re angry with God.  I was very angry with God for what felt like a long time. I felt betrayed by Him, too, because here I was praying and praying for my marriage to be healed and things only got worse.  Didn’t He want my marriage to stay intact?!  Where was He?!!! I reached a point where I actually did stop praying…it felt useless.  Now, though, I can see that He was there all along with us but He wasn’t doing what I wanted Him to do. He wasn’t answering the prayers I was praying. I should have been praying differently.  Instead of asking him to change my husband (remember that “free will” stuff?  I was asking God to cast that aside where my husband was concerned.).  I should have been asking Him for strength..wisdom…understanding…perseverance…hope….patience.  In short, I should have been asking Him to help me to cope with the circumstances as they were.  I also should have been working at turning all control over to God and asking Him to help me to do that.  Don’t forget to ask for help specifically from the Holy Spirit, too. Also, continue to practice your faith (i.e. go to mass and confession…go to adoration if it’s available to you).  I just went through the motions here for over a year (it was probably more like 3 years).  I did this because I had young children and I didn’t want to damage their faith.  Lo and behold…after simply going thru the motions, my faith eventually returned to me full force..and then some.
   

7. Support system – I hope you have a good support system of close friends and family.  If you do, please take them up on their offers to help.  They WANT to help and you NEED their help.  You’re not imposing on them when you say yes to their bringing dinner over…or taking you out…or letting them babysit while you get away for a while…or you let them listen to you vent (time and again).  And don’t hesitate to ask for their help.  Don’t get carried away with this, of course, but don’t go to the other extreme of saying, “No thank you” or “I’m fine…I can handle it” all the time, either.  We need to let others help us through these challenges in life…and, in turn, to help others when they’re going through their challenges.
   

8. Live someone else’s life for a little while, through movies and books. Watch movies that make you feel good. Sometimes watch movies that make you cry- it’s a great way to give yourself permission to cry.  Read books (I love to listen to books when I exercise).

That’s my list…what is yours?  Let us know what really helps you.  It might be something that will help someone else.

May God bless you and bring you peace.

Manya