I apologize for my long absence from posting. I mentioned a while back that my 87 year old father had fallen and hurt his leg (that was 6 weeks ago).  Well, he wasn’t getting better even after some physical therapy, so he went back to the doctor this past Tuesday.  They took another round of xrays and found that he’s had a broken hip for the last 6 weeks!  The original xrays didn’t show a break…at least, the doctors didn’t see the break in them.  Now, however, more damage has been done and it’s all too easy to see it.  Sigh….very frustrating.

My poor father. There were many times over the last several weeks when I thought he had simply given up trying, which made me resentful.  It hasn’t been easy to take care of my children, my business AND my parents (and myself now and then).   And I wasn’t alone in taking care of them.  My brother, his wife, our sister and I took turns helping out.   All of that was much easier, though, when we thought Dad was working towards being able to walk again – when HE was helping, too.  However, when it seemed he had given up and wasn’t interested in getting stronger, it became very difficult to help him and to not be openly angry with him.  Now that I know the severe pain he must have been in, I feel very badly about all those thoughts I had!

I started out this post with the intention of simply explaining why new posts have been few and far between. But as I wrote, I realized that comparisons can be made between physical breaks, emotional breaks and the healing process.

Hidden breaks in our relationships…

For how long was the break in your marriage hidden from view? For how long did you try to go on as if everything was “normal,” maybe even working on your relationship but thinking that nothing was truly wrong (broken)?   Did your gut try to warn you just how wrong things were?

It’s very much like the proverbial elephant in the room that everyone tries to ignore.

The big thing about breaks of any sort is that in order for them to heal, all parties involved need to commit to work on fixing them. In my dad’s case, he was trying to get better but the doctors weren’t doing their parts…so the exercise and walking practice that my dad was doing wasn’t helping him (it was actually causing more damage).

In the case of a broken marriage, both spouses need to be genuinely committed to healing the relationship or healing won’t take place. And more damage (emotional) can be done to both spouses when one of them truly is not trying but continues to play games, do more damage or ignores the whole situation.

My husband and I had our problems and they came on and grew worse gradually over the years. For a long time we ignored the existence of these problems.  I admit that I took my marriage and my husband horribly for granted.  I viewed marriage as being a lifelong commitment – for better or for worse – which made me complacent.  I felt that our problems could be worked out ‘later’…at a more convenient time.  Afterall, I had children to raise and that was taking all my energy and focus.  I was wrong to take my husband and marriage for granted AND for putting almost all of my focus on our children.  An equal or even greater focus should have been on my husband and marriage.  If that relationship had been healthy and nurtured, our children would have been better served in the long run.  I’m very sorry to say that I couldn’t see that at the time.

My husband, for his part, didn’t communicate his deep sadness to me. When finally it came to light, I was stunned.  By then, though, it was too late.  He had moved on.  We eventually went through counseling (three different counselors) and even participated in a Retrouvaille weekend.  All that didn’t stand a chance of helping us, though, because my husband wasn’t genuinely interested in healing our marriage.  He was convinced that too much damage had been done and I’d never be able to forgive, forget and trust again.  Perhaps he didn’t think that HE could forgive, forget and trust again.  Perhaps he was right, but we’ll never know because an honest effort was never made by both of us together.

I did all I could to try to keep us together and that knowledge helped me to be able to move on after I realized nothing more could be done. I was fighting a losing battle.  I’m sure I could have done better but the fact is, I did what I could at the time – as flawed as that might have been. I don’t have any feelings of guilt regarding that time in our lives/marriage.  I DO have feelings of guilt regarding my part in leading us to that horrible break.  The things I did were out of stupidity and I’ve forgiven myself for that…still, I do regret not having been more wise back then.

So how to heal after the break is recognized and acknowledged and not healed?

It takes time and work and perseverance and a willingness to experience the pain. You need to resolve yourself to work THROUGH the pain (because there will be lots of it but it will decrease over time).

My dad had surgery yesterday. The break has now been fixed and recovery lies before him.  They will probably have him on his feet today, which will be difficult and painful for him.  The pain will get worse before it gets better…but it won’t get better at all if he doesn’t embrace it and work right on through it – in spite of it.  He will probably never again walk without a limp…that damage has been done and can’t be ignored…but he WILL walk.  And that’s a glorious thing to look forward to!  There’s hope and that’s everything.

It’s just the same for healing from the emotional pain of a relationship that died or was destroyed. No matter what the damage, you CAN heal from it.  There will always be scars and regrets but you will learn to live with them and they will become less noticeable with time.  You will also learn to ignore them.  And you have hope, too.  Life WILL be better and you will know happiness again.

ALL of the above healing, of course, will be made easier when you invite God into the process. Ask for His help.  The very wise go beyond that, though, and ask God to LEAD through the pain and out the other side.  God has been there.  Remember, he became human like us.  He knows what real pain is and what it feels like to experience it and get through it.  Chances are that any pain we feel, physical or emotional, has been felt by God and in much greater quantities.  He understands.

God bless and bring you peace,

Manya