Have you asked (or yelled) that question? I did.  At one of the lowest points during my separation when the situation just kept getting worse even though I was praying my heart out – rosaries, adoration, novenas….. and trying the best I knew how to work towards healing our marriage.  I vividly remember standing in a bedroom and yelling at the crucifix on the wall, “Where ARE You?!  You’re supposed to WANT marriages to stay together.  I’ve been TRYING but You’re not helping!!  Are You even there?!”

I don’t think I offended God. He can take our frustration.

Of course, God WAS helping and God WAS THERE but not in the way I WANTED Him to help and EXPECTED Him to be there.

It all comes down to that gift of free will that He gave to us. That’s what brought my husband and me to the terrible spot in which we found ourselves.  God didn’t want us to be there.  He didn’t lead us there.  He would have led us out if we’d given up our wills to Him and followed!

One of the main lessons I learned from this experience was that I cannot control another person. I can ONLY control myself and pray for others to be open to God and to following Him (and pray for ME to be open to God and to following Him!!).  God is always there wanting to be let into a person’s heart and mind but if that person doesn’t let God in….God will not force the issue.  He gave us free will and He won’t take it away no matter how terribly we misuse the gift.

My ex husband made choices. I made choices.  Unfortunately for us and for our children, those choices ultimately led us to separation and divorce.

The day I found myself yelling at God is the day that I lost my hold on my faith. I had learned to not trust one of the most important people in my life and now I couldn’t quite trust God either.  It was not a place in which I wish for anyone to find themselves.

God was there and God was trying to help and, in time, I realized that.

For the next couple of years, I ‘faked’ my faith. What I mean is that I continued to attend weekly mass but that was it.  If I prayed at all during that time, it was very little.  I just didn’t trust that God was there or that He cared.  I had given up on Him because He wasn’t doing what I WANTED Him to do.  I must have frustrated Him to no end.  lol

I continued to go through the motions of my faith because I had children at home and I was raising them Catholic. The last thing I wanted to do was negatively influence THEIR faith.  As it happened, this turned out to help ME.  You see…in time my faith returned and became stronger than ever.  If I’d stopped practicing my faith altogether, I’m not entirely sure that would have happened…at least, not as “quickly” and seamlessly as it did.

“Fake it til you make it”…..wise words.

Now I know that the prayers I should have been praying during that time were for myself to be wiser and stronger – not for my husband to CHANGE (only my husband could make THAT choice) – but for ME to change! For me to place my trust in God (completely), to give my will to God, to accept the choices my husband was making, and for the strength and wisdom needed to get myself and my children through it all intact.

God is good – my children and I DID come through that hell intact. Our lives are good and going forward as they should.  We all have hope and each others love and support.  My children have their dad in their lives, and THAT’S good for all of them.  Yes, we have our challenges but that’s life!  And life is good.  :0)

Until next time – God bless you and those you love.

And please let us know what YOUR experience along these lines has been by leaving a comment. This is how we can support each other.

Manya