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A Scarlet Letter – Do You Feel You Have One Because You’re a Divorced Catholic?
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- Image by Monceau via Flickr
Sigh…I’ve heard this story all too often. Divorced Catholics feeling that they’re being looked down upon by fellow Catholics and who no longer feel welcome at or comfortable attending mass or being involved in parish life.
In my own experience, there has been only one time since my divorce that I felt uncomfortable among a group of Catholics. That was just last summer when I participated in a Catholic conference. Let me be absolutely clear, though…that not one person there snubbed me or made me feel awkward in any way. The discomfort came from me alone. I was in a group of very devout Catholics, many of whom were in devout Catholic marriages. With each introduction, I included info about my being the author of this blog (it was a new media conference…i.e. Catholic bloggers and podcasters) and each time I cringed inside, feeling like I was going to be judged. I never was..I was the only one judging me!
I think that most of the time, that’s the case when I hear someone say they no longer feel welcome at mass or at parish functions. I believe we’re judging ourselves! (In the case above, the other Catholics at the conference were wonderfully welcoming and even thanked me for this blog! And, some asked me to write articles for their blogs or be interviewed for their podcasts because they recognized the need to address this situation and to help other Catholics to understand it.)
Notice that I said “most of the time” I believe that’s the case. I recognize the fact that sometimes other Catholics do judge those of us who are divorced. However, it’s really not their place to judge at all. As Christians, we sometimes forget that…especially when an issue makes us uncomfortable. And Catholics divorcing IS a difficult, scary and uncomfortable issue – as it should be!
As Catholics (and Christians, of course) – we’re taught that we should try to be like Christ. He is (and was) all merciful. Yes, he judges (that’s His part, not ours) but always gently and with great love. Being human beings, though, we can and do (often) fall quite short of being Christ-like.
So, here is what I propose…
If you come across Catholics who really do judge you for being divorced, be the true Christian and be merciful to them. Don’t get into arguments. If you feel you must, gently explain to them that divorced Catholics are still Catholic and welcomed by the Church. Then, perhaps, tell them that the best person for them to share their concerns with is the pastor of the parish, who would be able to explain the Church’s position to them.
Most of the time, any judging that takes place (whether it comes from within ourselves or from others) is the result of misconceptions regarding the teachings of the Catholic Church.
So, how do you correct that problem?
First of all, I believe it takes self confidence. Do YOU feel that you’re less worthy than other Catholics now that you’re divorced? If you do, that’s going to come across in your thoughts and in your behavior. Do YOU feel (and know) that you’re still a Catholic in good standing? That, too, will come across in your thoughts and in your behavior. Others may or may not pick up on this, but you absolutely will!
If you’re feeling guilty about your divorce, speak to your priest about it AND go to confession. Get it off your chest and ask God for forgiveness. He will forgive you (when you sincerely ask for forgiveness). Also, make sure you know the position of the Catholic Church and that you indeed are practicing the Catholic faith as it should be practiced (no “cafeteria Catholics” please). Then, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and resolve to do better. And forgive yourself! No more beating yourself up. No more feeling unworthy to be a practicing Catholic.
We are all sinners…we are all followers of Christ….we all need to forgive if we hope to be forgiven. That includes forgiving yourself!
May God bless and bring you peace.
Manya
Sunday on Divorced Catholic Moms – Ave Maria
Posted by: | CommentsHere’s a video that was posted by a member at SQPN Connect. Gorgeous music and very nice for Sunday listening. Enjoy!
Blessings on your day of rest!
Manya
Divorced Catholic Moms – We’re One Year Old!!
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- Image by clevercupcakes via Flickr
It’s hard to believe, but this blog was started one year ago today…when I borrowed my daughter’s laptop so I could continue my work while escaping to the deck on an especially beautiful day.
If you read my first post from that day, you know that when I stopped working, I started checking out the links my daughter had on her tool bar…most of which were to Catholic sites. I found several wonderful blogs and podcasts there, which intrigued and motivated me. The result of that was the “birth” of this blog. 
Here we are one year later. The blog has had approximately 6000 “hits” (i.e. visits) from around the world. (Have you checked out the “where are our readers?” map in the sidebar?…it’s awesome.) While that number is a drop in the bucket compared to many of the more well known blogs, I’m quite happy with it!
Many thanks to all of you who have visited and especially to those who have left comments so that we could “connect.” Your comments help me to know which direction to take this and they keep me inspired and motivated. So, again, thank you!
Tonight I hope all of you will have a glass of champagne or wine or whatever drink you find particularly lovely, and toast to our success so far and to our continued growth. I’m not just talking about this blog…I’m talking about US!
God bless and bring you peace….and much success!
Manya
P.S. Emily, thank you for lending me your laptop that day and for being the woman you are. You’re a constant inspiration to me!
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Praying Through Divorce – Divine Mercy Novena Day 3
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Day 3 Intention: All Devout & Faithful Souls
Today bring to Me all devout & faithful souls and immerse them in the ocean of My mercy. These souls brought Me consolation on the Way of the Cross. They were that drop of consolation in the midst of an ocean of bitterness.
“Most Merciful Jesus, from the treasury of Your mercy, you impart Your graces in great abundance to each and all. Receive us into the abode of Your Most Compassionate Heart and never let us escape from It. We beg this grace of You by that most wondrous love for the heavenly Father with which Your Heart burns so fiercely.
Eternal Father, turn Your merciful gaze upon faithful souls, as upon the inheritance of Your Son. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, grant them Your blessing and surround them with Your constant protection. Thus may they never fail in love or lose the treasure of the holy faith, but rather, with all the hosts of Angels and Saints, may they glorify Your boundless mercy for endless ages. Amen. “
This is a chaplet, which means there’s a series of prayers to be said and you can use a rosary to help keep track:
Recite the following:
The Our Father
The Hail Mary
The Apostles’ Creed
On the large beads (Our Father beads):
Eternal Father, I offer You the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of Your dearly beloved Son, Our Lord Jesus Christ, in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world.
On the small beads (Hail Mary beads):
For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
Continue those prayers around the entire rosary, always meditating on the intention for today. Then say the following three times:
Holy God, Holy Mighty One, Holy Immortal One, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
Done…til tomorrow.
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Praying Through Divorce – Divine Mercy Novena Day 1
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- Image by jangelo via Flickr
Today is the first day of the Divine Mercy Novena. I HIGHLY recommend that you say (well, more than just “say”….really consider these prayers as you recite them) this series of prayers over the next 9 days. Many amazing promises are attached to this novena.
I encourage you to go to a Catholic bookstore to pick up a Divine Mercy pamphlet that tells you the story behind it, too, so you can keep the prayers with you and not be tied to the computer while reciting them. If you don’t have one near you, check out Amazon. Here’s the link to the book I have – The Divine Mercy. Actually, they sell this one in a pack of 5 for $13.43. That’s pretty reasonable if you have 4 friends or family members to give the others to. Or, just leave them at church as anonymous gifts! If you order today, you can get them by Monday or Tuesday with 2 day shipping. I apologize for not having thought of this sooner….next year!
I plan to post each day’s prayers and intentions here. I’m asking your forgiveness ahead of time, though, for those days when I forget or just can’t find the time! I promise to do my best.
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Day 1 Intention: All mankind, especially all sinners
Today bring to Me all mankind, especially all sinners. And immerse them in the ocean of My mercy. In this way, you will console Me in the bitter grief into which the loss of souls plunges Me.
“Most Merciful Jesus, whose very nature it is to have compassion on us and to forgive us, do not look upon our sins but upon our trust which we place in Your infinite goodness. Receive us all into the abode of Your Most Compassionate Heart, and never let us escape from It. We beg this of You by Your love which unites You to the Father and the Holy Spirit.
Eternal Father, turn Your merciful gaze upon all mankind and especially upon poor sinners, all enfolded in the Most Compassionate Heart of Jesus. For the sake of His sorrowful Passion show u Your mercy, that we may praise the omnipotence of Your mercy for ever and ever. Amen”
This is a chaplet, which means there’s a series of prayers to be said and you can use a rosary to help keep track:
Recite the following:
The Our Father
The Hail Mary
The Apostles’ Creed
On the large beads (Our Father beads):
Eternal Father, I offer You the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of Your dearly beloved Son, Our Lord Jesus Christ, in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world.
On the small beads (Hail Mary beads):
For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
Continue those prayers around the entire rosary, always meditating on the intention for today. Then say the following three times:
Holy God, Holy Mighty One, Holy Immortal One, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
Done…til tomorrow.
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As we know, God is all merciful. All we need to do is ASK for his forgiveness and he freely gives it and joyfully gives it. That’s what this novena is all about – Forgiveness. See now how well it suits those of us who are going through or have gone through divorce? Yes, we ALL need forgiveness (every human being) and we all need to learn to forgive (THAT’s the part that is so very well suited to our situations!).
Please DO read up about the history of this novena and the promises from God that are attached to it.
God bless us all and bring us peace.
Manya
P.S. Don’t forget the Hour of Great Mercy – 3:00 on any day but most especially TODAY – Good Friday.
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Blessings Can Be Found During Separation & Divorce
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- Image by darkmatter via Flickr
Difficult times can be no more than that – if you let them be.
OR…..
You can recognize the good things that can result from bad situations.
This takes practice, especially if you’re not a naturally optimistic person. But the rewards are great – so practice!
In an earlier post, I spoke a bit about the unexpected good that came from the storm of my separation and divorce. Lisa Duffy & Vince Frese, co-authors of Divorced. Catholic. Now What?, also spoke about things they experienced as a result of their separations and divorces. I believe they touched on these things in their first teleconference call – The Five Keys to Healing. (By the way, check out their new site at DivorcedCatholic.com. It’s awesome. They now have a member area where full members have free access to the audios of their calls, as well as to their DVD – that’s a huge benefit! – a discount on their books AND a forum where you can interact with other divorced Catholics. Be sure to at least register for their monthly newsletter!)
Back to the topic at hand….
One woman I know recalled the relief of being able to practice her religion without being challenged.
The “good” that I found during our separation (once I realized our marriage could not be saved – it took me two years to get to that point) was the lack of confrontation when my husband was not around. That was a relief. Don’t get me wrong. I wanted my husband to be home and for us to make our marriage good again. But the truth of it was that he’d moved on and with all that had taken place, it had become extremely uncomfortable when he was here.
Another realization that came from the very challenging times of our separation and divorce was how strong I was and what I was capable of doing when absolutely necessary. I now have a level of confidence I never had before and I can honestly say that I enjoy life more because of that confidence.
Ideally, a person discovers these things about themselves within marriage and with the help and support of their spouse. I wish that had been the case in my marriage. (I was at fault there, too, not just my husband. )
Do you feel guilty about seeing (or trying to see ) good in something as awful as divorce? I understand completely and yet…it shows great faith and strength and wisdom to be able to do so. After all, what is one of the great hallmarks of the saints? Being joyful! A person of true faith knows that there’s ALWAYS reason to be joyful. Why? Because heaven and an eternity with God and our loved ones waits for us. NO person can take that away from us. Only we can take that away….
Now THAT’S something to be joyful about! And what a great way to “silently” witness your faith to those around you. Remember what St. Francis of Assisi said, “Preach the gospel at all times and when necessary use words.”
I’m rambling….
Again, please don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that divorce itself can ever be viewed as good. I’m saying that when experiencing bad things, recognize the good that is there, too…even if it’s very, very, very small. These things give you a reprieve (however fleeting) from the bad times and that helps to build the strength you need to get through those times.
Am I stretching things here? I just had a discussion about this post with a dear friend and he completely disagrees with me. He feels there’s “danger” in striving to see good in every bad situation. His point of view is that this will keep a person from learning from such situations and, thereby, keep them from being repeated.
What do you think?
Manya
"Hidden" Breaks – Healing From Painful Mistakes
Posted by: | CommentsI apologize for my long absence from posting. I mentioned a while back that my 87 year old father had fallen and hurt his leg (that was 6 weeks ago). Well, he wasn’t getting better even after some physical therapy, so he went back to the doctor this past Tuesday. They took another round of xrays and found that he’s had a broken hip for the last 6 weeks! The original xrays didn’t show a break…at least, the doctors didn’t see the break in them. Now, however, more damage has been done and it’s all too easy to see it. Sigh….very frustrating.
My poor father. There were many times over the last several weeks when I thought he had simply given up trying, which made me resentful. It hasn’t been easy to take care of my children, my business AND my parents (and myself now and then). And I wasn’t alone in taking care of them. My brother, his wife, our sister and I took turns helping out. All of that was much easier, though, when we thought Dad was working towards being able to walk again – when HE was helping, too. However, when it seemed he had given up and wasn’t interested in getting stronger, it became very difficult to help him and to not be openly angry with him. Now that I know the severe pain he must have been in, I feel very badly about all those thoughts I had!
I started out this post with the intention of simply explaining why new posts have been few and far between. But as I wrote, I realized that comparisons can be made between physical breaks, emotional breaks and the healing process.
Hidden breaks in our relationships…
For how long was the break in your marriage hidden from view? For how long did you try to go on as if everything was “normal,” maybe even working on your relationship but thinking that nothing was truly wrong (broken)? Did your gut try to warn you just how wrong things were?
It’s very much like the proverbial elephant in the room that everyone tries to ignore.
The big thing about breaks of any sort is that in order for them to heal, all parties involved need to commit to work on fixing them. In my dad’s case, he was trying to get better but the doctors weren’t doing their parts…so the exercise and walking practice that my dad was doing wasn’t helping him (it was actually causing more damage).
In the case of a broken marriage, both spouses need to be genuinely committed to healing the relationship or healing won’t take place. And more damage (emotional) can be done to both spouses when one of them truly is not trying but continues to play games, do more damage or ignores the whole situation.
My husband and I had our problems and they came on and grew worse gradually over the years. For a long time we ignored the existence of these problems. I admit that I took my marriage and my husband horribly for granted. I viewed marriage as being a lifelong commitment – for better or for worse – which made me complacent. I felt that our problems could be worked out ‘later’…at a more convenient time. Afterall, I had children to raise and that was taking all my energy and focus. I was wrong to take my husband and marriage for granted AND for putting almost all of my focus on our children. An equal or even greater focus should have been on my husband and marriage. If that relationship had been healthy and nurtured, our children would have been better served in the long run. I’m very sorry to say that I couldn’t see that at the time.
My husband, for his part, didn’t communicate his deep sadness to me. When finally it came to light, I was stunned. By then, though, it was too late. He had moved on. We eventually went through counseling (three different counselors) and even participated in a Retrouvaille weekend. All that didn’t stand a chance of helping us, though, because my husband wasn’t genuinely interested in healing our marriage. He was convinced that too much damage had been done and I’d never be able to forgive, forget and trust again. Perhaps he didn’t think that HE could forgive, forget and trust again. Perhaps he was right, but we’ll never know because an honest effort was never made by both of us together.
I did all I could to try to keep us together and that knowledge helped me to be able to move on after I realized nothing more could be done. I was fighting a losing battle. I’m sure I could have done better but the fact is, I did what I could at the time – as flawed as that might have been. I don’t have any feelings of guilt regarding that time in our lives/marriage. I DO have feelings of guilt regarding my part in leading us to that horrible break. The things I did were out of stupidity and I’ve forgiven myself for that…still, I do regret not having been more wise back then.
So how to heal after the break is recognized and acknowledged and not healed?
It takes time and work and perseverance and a willingness to experience the pain. You need to resolve yourself to work THROUGH the pain (because there will be lots of it but it will decrease over time).
My dad had surgery yesterday. The break has now been fixed and recovery lies before him. They will probably have him on his feet today, which will be difficult and painful for him. The pain will get worse before it gets better…but it won’t get better at all if he doesn’t embrace it and work right on through it – in spite of it. He will probably never again walk without a limp…that damage has been done and can’t be ignored…but he WILL walk. And that’s a glorious thing to look forward to! There’s hope and that’s everything.
It’s just the same for healing from the emotional pain of a relationship that died or was destroyed. No matter what the damage, you CAN heal from it. There will always be scars and regrets but you will learn to live with them and they will become less noticeable with time. You will also learn to ignore them. And you have hope, too. Life WILL be better and you will know happiness again.
ALL of the above healing, of course, will be made easier when you invite God into the process. Ask for His help. The very wise go beyond that, though, and ask God to LEAD through the pain and out the other side. God has been there. Remember, he became human like us. He knows what real pain is and what it feels like to experience it and get through it. Chances are that any pain we feel, physical or emotional, has been felt by God and in much greater quantities. He understands.
God bless and bring you peace,
Manya
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Dating After Divorce – The Three Most Common Mistakes
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Coming THIS Tuesday, February 24th !
A FREE, open conference call for all of the readers of the DivorcedCatholic.com newsletter and all the readers of DivorcedCatholicMoms.com blog! And, of course, all the friends to whom the information is forwarded!
Last month’s call, The Five Keys To Healing, was a great success – it was well attended and there was some great feedback from the participants.
The topic THIS month is:
The Three Common Mistakes People Make When Dating After a Divorce
**************
When: Tues., Feb. 24th, 2009
8:00pm EST (6:00pm MST, 5:00pm PST)
To register for this free call, please send an email to
newsletter@divorcedcatholic.com
and type “REGISTER” in the subject line.
Also, if you think of it, please let them know in that email that you heard about the call here at DivorcedCatholicMoms.com
You will then receive a reply with the call in information.
By the way, the conference call service that will be used is www.calliflower.com.
Participants on the call do NOT need to have calliflower.com accounts, HOWEVER, if you DO,
then you’ll be able to send questions to the hosts during the call via the website, which is very cool.
Signing up for an account is absolutely free.
**************
I hope you’ll be there!
I promise you’ll be glad you made the time for it.
Hello world!
Posted by: | CommentsWelcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!
DivorcedCatholic.com – Next Free Conference Call Feb. 24th!
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Coming February 24th !
A FREE, open conference call for all of the readers of the DivorcedCatholic.com newsletter and all the readers of DivorcedCatholicMoms.com blog! And, of course, all the friends to whom the information is forwarded!
Last month’s call, The Five Keys To Healing, was a great success – it was well attended and there was some great feedback from the participants.
The topic THIS month is:
The Three Common Mistakes People Make When Dating After a Divorce
**************
When: Tues., Feb. 24th, 2009
8:00pm EST (6:00pm MST, 5:00pm PST)
To register for this free call, please send an email to
newsletter@divorcedcatholic.com
and type “REGISTER” in the subject line.
Also, if you think of it, please let them know in that email that you heard about the call here at DivorcedCatholicMoms.com
You will then receive a reply with the call in information.
**************
I hope you’ll be there!
I promise you’ll be glad you made the time for it.
