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Blessings Can Be Found During Separation & Divorce
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- Image by darkmatter via Flickr
Difficult times can be no more than that – if you let them be.
OR…..
You can recognize the good things that can result from bad situations.
This takes practice, especially if you’re not a naturally optimistic person. But the rewards are great – so practice!
In an earlier post, I spoke a bit about the unexpected good that came from the storm of my separation and divorce. Lisa Duffy & Vince Frese, co-authors of Divorced. Catholic. Now What?, also spoke about things they experienced as a result of their separations and divorces. I believe they touched on these things in their first teleconference call – The Five Keys to Healing. (By the way, check out their new site at DivorcedCatholic.com. It’s awesome. They now have a member area where full members have free access to the audios of their calls, as well as to their DVD – that’s a huge benefit! – a discount on their books AND a forum where you can interact with other divorced Catholics. Be sure to at least register for their monthly newsletter!)
Back to the topic at hand….
One woman I know recalled the relief of being able to practice her religion without being challenged.
The “good” that I found during our separation (once I realized our marriage could not be saved – it took me two years to get to that point) was the lack of confrontation when my husband was not around. That was a relief. Don’t get me wrong. I wanted my husband to be home and for us to make our marriage good again. But the truth of it was that he’d moved on and with all that had taken place, it had become extremely uncomfortable when he was here.
Another realization that came from the very challenging times of our separation and divorce was how strong I was and what I was capable of doing when absolutely necessary. I now have a level of confidence I never had before and I can honestly say that I enjoy life more because of that confidence.
Ideally, a person discovers these things about themselves within marriage and with the help and support of their spouse. I wish that had been the case in my marriage. (I was at fault there, too, not just my husband. )
Do you feel guilty about seeing (or trying to see ) good in something as awful as divorce? I understand completely and yet…it shows great faith and strength and wisdom to be able to do so. After all, what is one of the great hallmarks of the saints? Being joyful! A person of true faith knows that there’s ALWAYS reason to be joyful. Why? Because heaven and an eternity with God and our loved ones waits for us. NO person can take that away from us. Only we can take that away….
Now THAT’S something to be joyful about! And what a great way to “silently” witness your faith to those around you. Remember what St. Francis of Assisi said, “Preach the gospel at all times and when necessary use words.” 
I’m rambling….
Again, please don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that divorce itself can ever be viewed as good. I’m saying that when experiencing bad things, recognize the good that is there, too…even if it’s very, very, very small. These things give you a reprieve (however fleeting) from the bad times and that helps to build the strength you need to get through those times.
Am I stretching things here? I just had a discussion about this post with a dear friend and he completely disagrees with me. He feels there’s “danger” in striving to see good in every bad situation. His point of view is that this will keep a person from learning from such situations and, thereby, keep them from being repeated.
What do you think?
Manya
"Hidden" Breaks – Healing From Painful Mistakes
Posted by: | CommentsI apologize for my long absence from posting. I mentioned a while back that my 87 year old father had fallen and hurt his leg (that was 6 weeks ago). Well, he wasn’t getting better even after some physical therapy, so he went back to the doctor this past Tuesday. They took another round of xrays and found that he’s had a broken hip for the last 6 weeks! The original xrays didn’t show a break…at least, the doctors didn’t see the break in them. Now, however, more damage has been done and it’s all too easy to see it. Sigh….very frustrating.
My poor father. There were many times over the last several weeks when I thought he had simply given up trying, which made me resentful. It hasn’t been easy to take care of my children, my business AND my parents (and myself now and then). And I wasn’t alone in taking care of them. My brother, his wife, our sister and I took turns helping out. All of that was much easier, though, when we thought Dad was working towards being able to walk again – when HE was helping, too. However, when it seemed he had given up and wasn’t interested in getting stronger, it became very difficult to help him and to not be openly angry with him. Now that I know the severe pain he must have been in, I feel very badly about all those thoughts I had!
I started out this post with the intention of simply explaining why new posts have been few and far between. But as I wrote, I realized that comparisons can be made between physical breaks, emotional breaks and the healing process.
Hidden breaks in our relationships…
For how long was the break in your marriage hidden from view? For how long did you try to go on as if everything was “normal,” maybe even working on your relationship but thinking that nothing was truly wrong (broken)? Did your gut try to warn you just how wrong things were?
It’s very much like the proverbial elephant in the room that everyone tries to ignore.
The big thing about breaks of any sort is that in order for them to heal, all parties involved need to commit to work on fixing them. In my dad’s case, he was trying to get better but the doctors weren’t doing their parts…so the exercise and walking practice that my dad was doing wasn’t helping him (it was actually causing more damage).
In the case of a broken marriage, both spouses need to be genuinely committed to healing the relationship or healing won’t take place. And more damage (emotional) can be done to both spouses when one of them truly is not trying but continues to play games, do more damage or ignores the whole situation.
My husband and I had our problems and they came on and grew worse gradually over the years. For a long time we ignored the existence of these problems. I admit that I took my marriage and my husband horribly for granted. I viewed marriage as being a lifelong commitment – for better or for worse – which made me complacent. I felt that our problems could be worked out ‘later’…at a more convenient time. Afterall, I had children to raise and that was taking all my energy and focus. I was wrong to take my husband and marriage for granted AND for putting almost all of my focus on our children. An equal or even greater focus should have been on my husband and marriage. If that relationship had been healthy and nurtured, our children would have been better served in the long run. I’m very sorry to say that I couldn’t see that at the time.
My husband, for his part, didn’t communicate his deep sadness to me. When finally it came to light, I was stunned. By then, though, it was too late. He had moved on. We eventually went through counseling (three different counselors) and even participated in a Retrouvaille weekend. All that didn’t stand a chance of helping us, though, because my husband wasn’t genuinely interested in healing our marriage. He was convinced that too much damage had been done and I’d never be able to forgive, forget and trust again. Perhaps he didn’t think that HE could forgive, forget and trust again. Perhaps he was right, but we’ll never know because an honest effort was never made by both of us together.
I did all I could to try to keep us together and that knowledge helped me to be able to move on after I realized nothing more could be done. I was fighting a losing battle. I’m sure I could have done better but the fact is, I did what I could at the time – as flawed as that might have been. I don’t have any feelings of guilt regarding that time in our lives/marriage. I DO have feelings of guilt regarding my part in leading us to that horrible break. The things I did were out of stupidity and I’ve forgiven myself for that…still, I do regret not having been more wise back then.
So how to heal after the break is recognized and acknowledged and not healed?
It takes time and work and perseverance and a willingness to experience the pain. You need to resolve yourself to work THROUGH the pain (because there will be lots of it but it will decrease over time).
My dad had surgery yesterday. The break has now been fixed and recovery lies before him. They will probably have him on his feet today, which will be difficult and painful for him. The pain will get worse before it gets better…but it won’t get better at all if he doesn’t embrace it and work right on through it – in spite of it. He will probably never again walk without a limp…that damage has been done and can’t be ignored…but he WILL walk. And that’s a glorious thing to look forward to! There’s hope and that’s everything.
It’s just the same for healing from the emotional pain of a relationship that died or was destroyed. No matter what the damage, you CAN heal from it. There will always be scars and regrets but you will learn to live with them and they will become less noticeable with time. You will also learn to ignore them. And you have hope, too. Life WILL be better and you will know happiness again.
ALL of the above healing, of course, will be made easier when you invite God into the process. Ask for His help. The very wise go beyond that, though, and ask God to LEAD through the pain and out the other side. God has been there. Remember, he became human like us. He knows what real pain is and what it feels like to experience it and get through it. Chances are that any pain we feel, physical or emotional, has been felt by God and in much greater quantities. He understands.
God bless and bring you peace,
Manya
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Dating After Divorce – The Three Most Common Mistakes
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Coming THIS Tuesday, February 24th !
A FREE, open conference call for all of the readers of the DivorcedCatholic.com newsletter and all the readers of DivorcedCatholicMoms.com blog! And, of course, all the friends to whom the information is forwarded!
Last month’s call, The Five Keys To Healing, was a great success – it was well attended and there was some great feedback from the participants.
The topic THIS month is:
The Three Common Mistakes People Make When Dating After a Divorce
**************
When: Tues., Feb. 24th, 2009
8:00pm EST (6:00pm MST, 5:00pm PST)
To register for this free call, please send an email to
newsletter@divorcedcatholic.com
and type “REGISTER” in the subject line.
Also, if you think of it, please let them know in that email that you heard about the call here at DivorcedCatholicMoms.com
You will then receive a reply with the call in information.
By the way, the conference call service that will be used is www.calliflower.com.
Participants on the call do NOT need to have calliflower.com accounts, HOWEVER, if you DO,
then you’ll be able to send questions to the hosts during the call via the website, which is very cool.
Signing up for an account is absolutely free.
**************
I hope you’ll be there!
I promise you’ll be glad you made the time for it.
Hello world!
Posted by: | CommentsWelcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!
DivorcedCatholic.com – Next Free Conference Call Feb. 24th!
Posted by: | Comments
Coming February 24th !
A FREE, open conference call for all of the readers of the DivorcedCatholic.com newsletter and all the readers of DivorcedCatholicMoms.com blog! And, of course, all the friends to whom the information is forwarded!
Last month’s call, The Five Keys To Healing, was a great success – it was well attended and there was some great feedback from the participants.
The topic THIS month is:
The Three Common Mistakes People Make When Dating After a Divorce
**************
When: Tues., Feb. 24th, 2009
8:00pm EST (6:00pm MST, 5:00pm PST)
To register for this free call, please send an email to
newsletter@divorcedcatholic.com
and type “REGISTER” in the subject line.
Also, if you think of it, please let them know in that email that you heard about the call here at DivorcedCatholicMoms.com
You will then receive a reply with the call in information.
**************
I hope you’ll be there!
I promise you’ll be glad you made the time for it.
Stressed Out Single Moms (and Dads)…What's A Parent To Do?!
Posted by: | CommentsIf you’re currently struggling with divorce, it’s guaranteed that you have a significant amount of stress in your life! (that’s quite an understatement, I know)
If the divorce is behind you, I can guarantee that there’s a fluctuating amount of stress in your life because you’re a single parent!
We all know that stress is not a good thing to live with. It can make a person a nervous wreck at home and at work and everywhere in between. It keeps your from thinking straight (that can be hazardous for a single parent), keeps your kids on edge (definitely not good), and definitely keeps everyone from being happy (”If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!”) So, now that we agree that stress needs to be controlled and REDUCED…just how is that done?!
Here’s my list of stress reducers. Perhaps some of them would work for you, too.
1. Exercise!
It absolutely amazes me how I can be feeling so stressed out and worn out (emotionally) that I have to force myself to get out the door but after exercising, my whole attitude is changed and I have energy to get through the day. Thank you, Lord, for making our bodies work this way. It’s one of those “small” miracles that we take for granted or don’t quite believe so don’t take advantage of when we should. Recently a single dad told me that he exercises several times a week not only to stay healthy physically but to keep his stress levels down so that he can give the best part of himself to his kids – they deserve more than the “leftovers.”
2. Prayer (of course)
I drive my kids to school each morning. It’s a 15 minute drive each way (when the weather is good). On my way home, I say a rosary. All I can say is that days on which I do this, “life” goes better. I admit that on weekends and holidays (when I don’t drive to school), I usually don’t take the time to say a rosary. It usually doesn’t even occur to me to do so. And after several days of neglecting this, “life” somehow doesn’t go along quite as smoothly.
3. Small Treats
A chocolate bar made in Germany….scented soap from Crabtree & Evelyn…flowers…a cup of chai or signature hot chocolate at Starbucks…a walk in the middle of the day…lunch or tea with a dear friend…retreating to my favorite chair with a wonderful blanket and a book (or two). You get the idea. These are not big things but they make me feel good. :0) And I’m not talking about special treats every day but definitely regulary. You deserve it. You know best what makes you feel really nice so give it to yourself now and then. It’s a small “retreat.” Hey, taking time to exercise is also a treat!
4. Read a Good Book
Escape into someone else’s life for a while. :0) Or, read something inspirational or motivational. Each of those is good in its own way. I actually have a stack of books next to my favorite chair (okay, they’re on the ottoman of my favorite chair and if my kids left their books like that I’d get after them to put them away…I’m going to have to do something about that.) Since Christmas I’ve tried to make at least a little time at the end of the day to sit and read a bit of a couple of them. Right now, though, mostly I’m spending time reading a book my daughter recommended and I’m
thoroughly enjoying it. I’ll post the name of it later because I can’t remember it and the book is upstairs. (lazy lazy lazy)
5. Watch a Movie
I watch very little tv (I DO love Monk, though) but I LOVE to watch movies 2 or 3 times/week. Either by myself (if the kids are at their dad’s) or with my kids (always fun).
Some of my favorites:
A Knight’s Tale (bizarre but if you stick with it, it’s a great story with a wonderful moral. One or two scenes you may not want your children to watch)
You’ve Got Mail (chick flick love story…live vicariously lol)
While You Were Sleeping (more chick flick love story stuff)
Cool Runnings (funny! About the Jamaican olympic bobsled team and based on a true story)
The Bourne Movies (action)
The “Oceans” movies (I have to watch these very closely to even have a hope of understanding all that’s going on.)
Indiana Jones (especially the one with Sean Connery as his father – action AND humor.)
Kung Fu Panda (hilarious)
Horton Hears a Who (also hilarious…my 18 and 21 year olds did not especially want to watch this but they were practically on the floor laughing. Same thing with Kung Fu Panda)
Ghost Town (parts may make you cringe but try to get past it..very funny and the parts that made me cringe were resolved)
The Trouble With Angels – an oldy that’s still SO good.
I’ll add to this list as I remember the ones I really like…
6. A Cup of Chai
This is a treat I give myself EVERY morning. It’s kind of high in calories, which is why it’s a treat. It’s also a bit pricey so you can imagine how excited I was when Costco started carrying these huge cans of Chamba Chai! I think I embarrassed my daughter when I squealed and did a little dance right there in the aisle. lol Anyway, it starts the day out on the right foot for me. Something to look forward to at the beginning of each and every day. :0) (in my opinion, the simple pleasures are the best!)
What are stress reducers for you?? Please share with us so we can all get some new ideas to try out.
May God bless you and bring you peace.
Manya
