A Happy St. Patrick’s Day just a wee bit early to ya!
Manya

The post I want to share with you was written by Lisa and is about gratitude.  The message in this article is very similar to the message in my last post regarding anger, and how releasing it will help YOU.  In the same way, becoming very conscious of all that you have to be grateful for in your life…yes, even during this horrible time of separation and divorce…is healing.  I wrote a post a while back  along these lines – Blessings Can Be Found Through Separation & Divorce.

I’m going to keep myself from going on and on today and give you the link to Lisa’s article now.

Gratitude

May God bless you and bring you peace,

Manya

However…the reason for THIS post is to let you know about a post on Lisa’s site that I want to share with you here because it’s appropriate.  The title of the post is How Anger Crosses the Line.

Before I give you the link so you can get over there to read it, I want to give my opinions about some of the things said in the article.

Basically, it’s about anger and how it can affect a person. I think I can safely state that every person who has experienced separation and divorce is angry about something (or lots of things).  And being angry is not a sin.  Go ahead and be angry, you probably have good reason to be.

But…control your anger and don’t dwell in that state. Feel it and then let it go.

I know I’m simplifying here…it’s not easy to “let it go” all in one fell swoop, but little by little, you’ll be able to do it. The most important point here is to not intentionally (stubbornly) hold onto anger, but to intentionally let it go.

Have you noticed that it’s easier to be angry than to be hurt?  When I was deep in the hell of separation & divorce, the days when I felt truly angry were much easier to bear than the days when I felt raw and HURT.  It’s easy to see the danger in this…a person could nurture the anger in order to keep from feeling the pain.  Please don’t fall into that trap.  A perpetually angry person is not a healthy person – emotionally, physically or spiritually.  And just think how being a perpetually angry mom will negatively affect your children.

Please read Lisa’s article on anger.  She touches on different types of anger, explains them and how they affect our relationships and ourselves.  One type of anger she talks about is “contempt.”  That one hit home for me and, curiously, she explains how this one is poison to a relationship.  I’m sorry to say that I have first hand knowledge of the truth of that…

By the way, anger is one big reason why I encourage all divorced Catholics to go through the annulment process.  My experience  was that as I was “made to” thoroughly examine my relationship, I realized the things that went wrong and that I had a great deal to do with what went wrong (not an easy pill to swallow – but eye opening and healing!).  You see, when I saw that I was also at fault, I was able to forgive my ex-husband (a little at a time…but the door to forgiveness was thrown open).  And that felt good!  And forgiving helped me to heal and move on.

I didn’t mean to write so much…forgive my long-windedness…. and, finally, here’s the link to Lisa’s article:

How Anger Crosses the Line

May God bless you and bring you peace.

Manya

Anyway…that’s pretty much what this video is about. The author of the book The Gift of an Ordinary Day reads a passage accompanied by music and family photos and beautifully relates the truths that we all recognize….now.  It’s good. It made me wish I’d taken more pictures of my children on ordinary days when they were smaller.  So, I now resolve to start taking more pictures NOW…and movies, too.  And to re-double my thankfulness for ordinary days….

It just occurred to me that those of us who still have our parents with us should be taking pictures of them on ordinary days, too! THESE are the “good ole days” and we’ll cherish the pictures and videos, as will our children….and their children…

God bless!

Manya

Some good and very relevant questions were asked and comments made, so I thought it would be a good idea to quote the writer’s statements here and try to speak to them for all of us to see. Please feel free to add your comments and/or questions either in the comment box or via email. I would REALLY like to hear from you on this!

I don’t mean to be rude here, but you say in your blog that while divorce is strongly discouraged for Catholics and something to be avoided IF AT ALL POSSIBLE, when a Catholic goes through a divorce, they are still Catholic in good standing within the Church & still able to participate in the sacraments (i.e. receive Holy Communion).  However, your answer conspicuously leaves out a basic moral teaching of the Catholic Church, one expressed quite unambiguously in the Catechism of the Catholic Church. The Catechism says: Divorce is a grave offense against the natural law. It claims to break the contract, to which the spouses freely consented, to live with each other till death.

You make good points. First, I need to state (re-state) that I am not a theologian so I am not in a position to debate the moral teachings of the Catholic Church as they relate to what is allowed by the Catholic Church and what is or isn’t considered to be a grave sin by the Catholic Church.  I’m sure that all practicing Catholics would agree  with and accept what is stated in the catechism about divorce being a grave offense.  Divorce is not a good thing.  Catholics are not pro-divorce…I think this is especially true of Catholics who have gone through divorce.  However, a Catholic who goes through a divorce, is not automatically in a state of grave sin. While it is possible for a Catholic who goes through divorce to be in a state of grave sin for behavior that may have contributed to the divorce or for choices that were made as a result of the divorce…the divorce itself is not a sin.

It furthermore says that Divorce is immoral also because it introduces disorder into the family and into society. ( Part 3, Section two, Article 6, IV., 2384 & 2385.)  Clearly, this is a little stronger view than just that divorce is strongly discouraged for Catholics and something to be avoided if at all possible.

This blog is written by and for divorced Catholic moms….we understand more than anyone else how divorce introduces disorder into a family.  Generally speaking, we’re the ones who end up trying to hold what’s left of our families together and bringing up our children, and trying to lead our children to healing, after the hell of divorce rips apart our lives.  We understand this to the very marrow of our bones.  (I’m not discounting the fathers out there who are thrust into the position of holding the family together after the mother decides to leave the marriage…they also understand this.)  I don’t know, though, what verbiage I should use other than “strongly discourage….and something to be avoided if at all possible” that would be more accurate.  I’ll think on that…

As to the good standing of a Catholic who is culpable of divorcing their spouse (obviously not every divorced spouse is responsible), if someone is truly responsible for a grave offense against the natural law they are really not in good standing.

True.  I did not want my marriage to end…if it had been completely up to me, I’d still be married and working to make our marriage better – for the rest of our lives.  However, it takes two people to make a good marriage and only one to push through a divorce.  I doubt that many who read this blog are the ones who pushed through their divorces.  If they are, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t like what they read here and would search for a different message on a different blog. (Clarification: I’m speaking here of those who seek divorce for selfish reasons. There may be many readers here who felt they had to file for divorce in order to protect themselves and/or their children.)

You also encourage the pursuit of an annulment even if you feel that there’s no way you’d ever be granted one. I hope I’m not being unfair here, but that seems to be tantamount to saying that even if you don’t think your marriage is invalid, you can nevertheless try to get it declared as such. But to pursue an annulment just to be free of the marriage bond, and not if you have a real reason to doubt the validity of your  marriage, is a questionable approach, from a moral perspective at least. However I realize the moral perspective is not the first thought of many Catholics today and apparently is not the perspective of many Catholic Marriage Tribunals as well.

Again we are not in disagreement – completely.  I think you misunderstood my intent, which means I should state it more clearly – so thank you for pointing that out.  The reason I encourage all divorced Catholics to go through the annulment process is because the process is healing.  It’s a rigorous process that is not easy emotionally to get through.  The questions that are necessary to answer bring a person face-to-face with the relationship both before and after the wedding…and even direct the person to delve into their childhood relationships within their families.  It’s truly an all encompassing process that forces you to look deep into the relationships in your life and to face your own role in them….and your own role in the destruction of your marriage.  Going through a civil divorce is hell…to then choose to go through the annulment process takes a strong person who wants to understand what happened…which will help them to accept what happened, will help them to forgive their spouses AND will help them to forgive themselves. These things are hugely important.

And if the tribunal, through this process of delving into the lives of the people in the marriage, as well as the influence on them from family members…along with input from close friends and family members of the couple (those who knew them at the time of the wedding) find that the marriage was not valid….it’s good that this person will then have the opportunity to marry again within the Church. (If they ever choose to marry again.)

I thank the writer of the message that prompted this post.  His/her questions and comments were very important and I’m glad I was made to think about them…and was given the opportunity to share them with you here.

Again…I’m just a Catholic mom who has experienced the hell of divorce and the misconceptions of being a divorced Catholic and who wants to reach out to others going through this painful experience.  I’m not a theologian and not in a position to state absolutes about the teachings of the Catholic church or to debate them.  If I ever make statements about the Church that are wrong, I appreciate having this brought to my attention.  I do not ever want to mislead anyone where our faith is concerned.  On the contrary…I want to show that we are indeed still members of the Catholic Church, which is the source of strength, wisdom and love that we so need in our lives.

May God bless and bring you peace.

Manya

P.S. Just so you know….I ran this post past a priest who works in a tribunal and was told that nothing I said goes against Church teachings.

I applaud Oprah for this show and the sisters for letting the world into their lives.  This is great stuff!

By the way, if the video below doesn’t play back smoothly, go straight to youtube to watch it (just mouse over the youtube logo and click). There are 4 parts, so you’ll need to go to youtube to see the whole series anyway. (I tried putting them all in this post but it took forever to load that way.) Even at youtube, they didn’t always play smoothly but the audio worked great.

Part 1:

Enjoy!
Manya

I’m excited.

Here’s the first one for you.

Holy Heroes – You can sign up on this site for daily emails throughout Lent.  Scroll down the right side of the page to the badge that says, “CLICK to join the LENTEN ADVENTURE.”

It looks to me like the focus of this site is for younger kids…maybe toddlers up through 11 or 12…?  This is a guess I’m making after skimming through the site and their book list for kids.  There’s free stuff you can download from the site, too, like coloring pages!

Let us know what you think of this site by leaving a comment (which can be done anonymously).  OR by sending me an email at manya@divorcedcatholicmoms.com .

God bless!

Manya

You have to say no to something else, in order to make time to pray.
– Peter Kreeft

Yep…”that’s about the size of it.” 

Manya

This quote was received from Daily Catholic Quotes.  Thank you Matthew Warner!

Have a wonderful day…filled with love for family, friends and YOU.

Manya

Let us not be afraid to be humble, small, helpless to prove our love for God. The cup of water you give the sick, the way you lift a dying man, the way you feed a baby, the way you teach a dull child, the way you give medicine to a sufferer of leprosy, the joy with which you smile at your own at home – all this is God’s love in the world today.
– Mother Teresa

Manya

This quote was received from Daily Catholic Quotes.  Thank you Matthew Warner!